Elizabeth

It is what it is.
2010-01-24 03:28:00 (UTC)

1-23-10

This is my first day writing in a diary online. I usually
write only when upset in random notebooks, but I've decided
to write everyday now, online, if I can.

Today started pretty well. The kids were good this morning
so I had time to lay around in bed. Antone was here this
morning, so that was nice. We all played Memory and Cam was
a complete spaz so after the game, I had him and his sister
jump on my bed for awhile to burn that energy. It's icky
cold, melting snow, muddy and rainy today, so outside was
not an option and this house just isn't big enough to find
a running around in it activity to wear him out. So that's
why I decided on the bed. It's fun anyway for a 4 and 5
year old.

The rest of the morning went like a regular day and we then
went out for a bit. I needed to get the kids some new pants
and pjs, cam a shirt and me some sheets. Antone said he
wanted to buy us all lunch, so we went to McDonalds but it
was sooo busy just before noon that we thought we'd go to
Kohl's first. I got the stuff I needed with some struggle
at the register with address changes and a bill payment
etc. Eventually I made it back to the car and we went back
to McDonalds. A freaking bus pulled in! Ugh. The place was
packed. At this point, I was disappointed because the kids
were expecting something fun but it would have been forever
until we could have gotten into the playland. We left. The
pizza buffet place with the arcade games wasn't an option
because Antone had been living on pizza lately with the
dart tournament and all so I thought of Culvers since they
give a free scoop of custard with kids meals. We ate there
and Maddy was the last one finished as usual. She is so
pokey.

We came back to my place and Antone painted Maddy's
toenails and fingernails. It was SO cute and made me
squishy inside. I wanted to put it on facebook for others
to see more of the soft side I see and love, but he made it
clear it wasn't supposed to go on 'book'. I talked to him
about it later and he didn't get it at all. I guess I still
do sorta feel hidden. I know there are other pictures of
him with my kids on there and videos too, but apparently
there's a line as to what is OK and what isn't. Maybe
someday I'll figure it out. We halfass argued about it and
got nowhere really. He conceded to say I should put it on
there but I'm not. At least not right now. As usual it
seems, he can have his way. I don't know how much more of
that I can deal with.

Take tonight for example. I've been looking for a
babysitter for almost 2 weeks so I could go to this
party/get together or whatever the fuck it is tonight. Some
of his friends that don't seem to care for me are going to
be there. The first and last time I was out with them, most
were rude to me....and it was clear I wasn't one of
them....and it seems they want it that way. I wanted to go
tonight to show them they aren't going to bully me out. It
bugs me that Antone is OK with people treating me that way
and had no nerve to confront any of them. I would never
allow my friends to be that disrespectful. That's where him
and I differ. He's more about what people think of him and
I'm sorta just in the background as a sidekick it seems.
Anyway, I couldn't get a sitter. Earlier this week when I
was still trying, he kept insisting it wasn't a late night
thing, he was only going for a couple hours, if I went and
we went at 4, we could leave at 7 if I wanted, blah blah
blah, and he was only making an appearance. Plus there was
supposedly gonna be some guy he didn't care for there and
he made it seem like he didn't want to hang out with him.
OK, now, before he went tonight, he had told me to let him
know when the kids were in bed cuz he didn't want to come
in all "bar'd" up around them. Great! To me, that means,
I'll come home after they go to bed --- otherwise, it
doesn't fuckin matter. They're gonna sleep at some point. I
would only tell him so he knew when he could stop back
here. So, that time came and I let him know. He'd been at
the bar for around 4 hours at this point. He has the fuckin
balls to say, "so does that mean I have to come home then?"
WTF? Are you serious? I said "no" cuz TONITE he did not say
he'd be home early but all week he had. He's like "OK cuz I
don't want to be a liar again, so if I said I'll be home,
I'll come home." --- Notice the work AGAIN. Yep, this is a
regular thing. He flat out says or implies something abotu
when he'll be here and has yet to follow through. It's a
big disappointment time after time. I'm trying to adjust to
his selfishness because I do love him for so many other
things, but it's tough. I'm not gonna lie. I feel like I
have to be a lesser partner in the relationship to make the
world turn for him, his way. This night specifically sucks
that he didn't come back when he implied he would because
he knew I wanted to go and I'm sitting here alone. He knew,
because I've told him, that it looks horrible to go out
with these guys and leave me sitting here when they treated
me like shit, cuz now, they won. He knows I haven't had a
Saturday night out in weeks and he KNOWS I hate taking
backseat to the bar. I try to figure out if he's a drunk
and I haven't really decided yet. At this point, all I know
is he's selfish.

He says he loves me. He says he wants to marry me. He says
things would be different if he had kids etc. I don't know.
If he can't show me now what a GOOD life with him would be
like, why would I want to marry him?

I help with his laundry, cook for him, show him I know he's
there when he's at the computer and I rub his shoulders, I
clean up after him, compliment him, listen to his repeated
stories, defend him, etc and give him sex. I get......sex.
Alright, that's probably harsh at the moment. He does make
me laugh a lot and he's great with my kids, but why at this
moment do I have tears in my eyes? I don't know what more
to do so that for once he'd think of me and how I feel or
how his actions affect me. Tonight, his mom was talking to
me on facebook, telling me how he should have stayed home
with me tonight and stupid me defended him and said he'd be
home after the kids were in bed so it was OK with me cuz
it's an early night. I feel like such an idiot. I knew
before he left he wouldn't be, but that stupid hopeful
woman syndrome stepped in and the wishful thinking started.

I need support from a man. The other day, I had a bad job
interview. I've been out of work for over a month. I came
home and told him about it. We left to eat. Mom called
while in the car. Told her about it. He was pissed that he
had to hear the story 2x in a row. And he thought it was
stupid cuz I didn't want that job anyway. I am fucking
broke, sad and frustrated though. At the moment, it wasn't
even about THAT job. It's about A job. I want one. The
bastard there didn't let me explain any of my answers and I
was pissy, but as usual, Antone made it about him. Where's
the support? Where's the hug and the I'm sorry honey,
you'll get it next time. Where's anything at all?

I gotta stop this entry or I'm gonna have a puddle of tears
in my lap. This sucks. I don't know how to get used to
being a back burner convenience.....especially if beer is
involved....or one of his 50 billion friends that don't
even really seem to be real friends half the time.

I left a 10 year relationship, 8 years of it marriage,
because I needed more.........I wanted to be in love and
not living with a roommate and friend.......now I'm with
someone where half the time I don't feel like I'm even his
friend....unless it works for him.




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