Find me. Hold me. Love me.
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2010-01-23 05:33:50 (UTC)

in the beginning...

there is no beginning. i'm just going to start right in.
April 21 will mark my two year anniversary with my boyfriend
Regis. I've cheated on him a few times. yeah yeah i know i'm
a horrible person, right? anyway, I've recently started
talking to my ex Austin again. Regis of course doesn't like
that. that isn't going to stop me though.

i'm really making myself sound like a horrible person. but i
don't think i am. lately Regis has been acting so
differently it's as if i don't even know him. he's so
protective and defensive and always questioning whether i
love and need him. i'm beginning to think i really shouldn't
be in this relationship anymore, but i just can't help it.
in a lot of ways Regis is a wonderful boyfriend. and on top
of that i doubt any other guy would want me as his
girlfriend because of the fact that i cheated on Regis. by
cheating i mean i kissed another guy.

i do still feel attracted to Regis though. i enjoy spending
time with him when he isn't being mean to me. but i do find
other guys attractive as well and i wonder if by being in
this relationship if i'm cutting myself off from another,
better relationship i COULD be in. I've only HAD two
relationships: Regis and Austin.

in particular i have been thinking about one guy lately. his
name is Cameron and he is everything a girl could want. he's
popular, good looking, athletic, comes from a good family,
and is extremely smart. in our class of 600 his rank is
number 3. mine is number 21. Regis' rank is number 159, not
even top ten percent*. i honestly don't know what rank
Austin is.

*being in texas, the top ten percent of the class is a big
deal, because it means automatic acceptance into any of the
public universities in the state.

but of course Cameron might as well be on another planet for
all the chance i have of ever dating him. even though i have
three classes with him, he hardly ever glances my way or
talks to me. see, we don't run in the same circles, even
though we've gone to school together since sixth grade.

if only i could somehow get a chance to really get to know

but then where does that leave Regis and i?
apart from the ever increasing arguments we have i really do
enjoy spending time with him and i love him.
why do such petty problems seem so important at this age?
i really do realize this is a dumb predicament and if i
don't want to date Regis, i should break up with him and if
i do i should just forget about all the other guys and stay
with him. but it really isn't that easy...

oh Cameron, read this and tell me what to do!!
hah, as if he would somehow come across this website and
happen to read my entry! wouldn't that just be so weird?
what luck! if he liked me that is. or maybe reading this
would open his metaphorical eyes and make him realize that
he really DID like me.

i wonder if anyone has ever written about me? does anyone
out there have a secret crush on me? it would be so
interesting to find that someone was writing about me. so
long as it wasn't creepy...

is this creepy? i don't think so... i hope not! i don't mean
it to be. just my musings being written down is all.

well i'm just about out of steam for now. i should call

-bekah (11:30 PM, central time)