Paris Life
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2010-01-16 10:53:27 (UTC)

The Start

This is the start of this log. First off I need to tell you
who I am and then I need to name you. My name is Ilene Mae
Paris I was born December 5th 1967, In Long Beach
California. I can't tell you a lot about my child hood
because of a resent Head injury I had. What I can tell you
is I went to 13 different schools, 9 before 4th grade. I
guess I had a happy child hood. I did not date in High
school most of the boys were jerks. I spent my Sr English in
Art class because of the guys in my class. Wish they would
of had a sexual harassment policy back then they would not
have gotten a way with it. In graduated in 1987. In the
Summer of 87 I met two guys John and Terry. I dated both
until 1988 when I broke it off with Terry because he would
not tell me how old he was. A person who would lie is not
worth being around. John asked me to marry him several times
I final said I would if he would do Three things. One get a
good job so if I did not want to work. Next get a nice place
to live. And last Ask my Dad for my hand. I did not think He
would do these things but one by one he got them done. So
after he asked My Dad I was stuck. I loved him but I have
never been in love with him. I thought I would never meet
the man that made me feel the way I thought love should be
so I married him on February 18th 1989. March 6th I found
out I was pregnant and January 31st 1990 Jonathan Andrew was
born. February 1st 1991 I had a miscarriage. March I found
out I was pregnant again and November 21st Thomas Allen was
born. 1993 John started seeing other women(I think he was
doing it earlier then that but this is when I had prof) and
I finally had enough and Kicked him out. In 1994 I divorced
him and went back to Paris. That Summer Terry found out I
was divorced and looked me up we started Dating. I was never
really happy with him. He still kept secrets and I found out
he was dating other girls while he told me I was the only
one. I trick him by setting up a email address and pretended
I was someone else. When he told this other me that he loved
me and wanted to meet me. That he was not seeing any one at
this time I told him the truth and a broke up with him. He
tried to lie his way out saying he knew it was me but I had
had it. I started looking for friends on the Internet and
Found a few. I went on a few dates with some guys but never
did it feel 100% right. My brain kept my heart in check.
Then in February of 1999 I started receiving email from
Dennis. My heart fell and my brain tried to warn it but
never very hard like the others. In March we started talking
on the phone and I feel even more. His voice was like an
angel and I could listen to him talk for hours. I could
almost close my eyes and hear him when I was alone. I still
can. I sometimes hear him call my name at night and it wakes
me up. I love the sound of his voice. In March 17th I went
to Tulsa to meet him. He was paralyzed at the age of 17 and
could not come to see me. I took him a Sr picture because he
asked for a copy. The first time I looked in to his eyes I
could see forever. My brain stop talking to my heart and I
feel in love. The first time he kissed my I could feel in
all through my body. The fist time we made love I never and
felt like it. I never wanted to leave his side. I hated sex
with John and Terry but with Dennis I never wanted it to
end. HE talk about marriage and having a life together. A
few month into our relation ship he took that back saying we
could never be married. That was the first time he hurt me.
He apologized and said he would find a way for us to be
together. Another 3 years went by and we had another fight.
I don't know what it was about but he apologized and things
were better. A few years after that he had to go in the
hospital and things started to change. He kept pushing me
away. I knew this was just him not feeling well for I
stepped back and did what I could. I knew the things he said
he did not mean he was just upset at the Doctors and having
to stay in the hospital so long. Then his sister Dorothy got
sick with breast cancer and he pushed even harder. She was
on him all the time which made him edgy and I tried hard to
understand. Then when Jon got sick with his cancer I sent
the next year only seeing him every few weeks. He seemed to
miss me and started to treat me the way he did when we were
first together. I loved that and did not want to lose this
Dennis. The out of know were he calls me and breaks up with
me. I try to find out why drive all the way to Tulsa to talk
to him for no one to answer the door. I did not know why was
it something I did. When I finally got a hold of him he
apologized again and said he was not feeling well. Things
went back to great. He asked my to marry him It made so
happy to hear him say that.Every time we were together he
would make sure I still wanted to his wife. Then a few month
ago he got some places on his butt and had to be put on his
face. The pushing away started again but because I love him
I stuck it out. Knowing that one day we would be together
again. Then a few days ago I went down to see him. I could
only go down for the day because Thomas has trouble getting
up. This up set him but he understood. I talk to him that
night and made plans to spend my next weekend with him. I
would get my sister to come over and make sure he got up. I
told Dennis I would wear my little black dress he liked and
shave his spot for him and try and find grape flavored gel.
I went to bed dreaming of him. I woke up and tried to get
Thomas up for over an hour. I even told him it was later
then it was. When some unlisted number called I told him it
was the school and what did he want me to tell them. He said
he did not care that he was tired. I said fine I gave up my
weekend to make sure he was up and passed school and this is
the thanks I get that I was not giving up anymore weekend
for him. He rolled over and covered his head. I was so mad I
cleaned my living room from top to bottom. I watch 6 hour
long episodes of Hero. He got up at one and was mad because
I watched the shows with out him. I said what ever. I was
taking a nap before work so please be quite. I went to work
looked for the gel and movies Dennis wanted. When I got home
I had an email telling not to come down anymore and he did
not want to hear why I lied to him about why I had to go
home Tuesday night. (Monday and Tuesday are my weekend) By
the time I got a hold of him and cried my self sick I found
out it was because Thomas told him I did not even try to get
him to school and refused to take him. That was a lie. I
could not believe it. Then I finally got a email saying he
was not mad anymore but not to bother ever spending the
night. He would never ask me again and I did not have to
give a reason for leaving. I cried even more and wrote him
more. I don't know if he believes me or not but I feel I
lost him over this. I am not talking to Thomas right now. He
has made me so mad at all this. I don't know what to do.
Dennis was the only thing that made me happy and the only
thing that kept me sane. Its hard not to cry all the time
right now. I am hopping that having you I will be able too
look back on my words and figure out what is wrong. Why I
lost his trust. When I tired to explain my self I think I
made it worse because he thought I did not want to be with
him and was unhappy with our relationship. What I am unhappy
with is the time I can spend with him. I use to lay in his
arms and watch football and movies. I would pass out because
of the love making and could not breath. Just a touch of him
and the orgasms come one after another. I can not tell how
many I have. I don't think... no thats wrong... I know I
could never feel this way with anyone else. I know we may
never get married I am OK with that as long as I have the
dream of it. 11 years in April and I would not trade it for
all the tea in china. What do you think I am crazy. Guess I am.
Well there is more I could tell you but it is almost 5am.
You need a name in the past most of my journal were called
little mouse. Funny because I am afraid of mice big time. I
thing I will call you Online because that is were you are. I
should be able to write when on my ds too. I did no the wii.
Good night Online will talk again later.
Love me

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