sharpgirl

Fun doesn't mean happy
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2010-01-16 09:42:28 (UTC)

Note to Tom

Wow. I stealed myself up for the fact that you would be
with your friend tonight and that I wouldn't hear from you
so I tried to distract myself as much as possible. I knew
it would be very difficult as I had had such an awful day
and my spirtits were very low already. I was hoping for
maybe a word of encouragement from you since you knew I
wasn't doing very well. Last week your excuse was that
your phone was out of battery. This week it was just fine
so you really didn't have one to use. It just showed me
that whatever feelings you have for me, they don't extend
into your Tom guy time...whether I needed you or not. Then
when I finally do hear from you it's not personal or even
kind or concerned...it's simply informational. I had no
idea how to respond...so I just thanked you for the
information. I know our situation is a difficult one...but
the hot and cold I get from you is so difficult for me to
live with. I either need you to love me..and all the
time...or say goodbye and let me get on with the process of
healing without you. This inbetween...I love you one day
and then cold the next is killing me. I just have to
decide if the benefits of being friends with you outway the
deficits. Maybe I should make a pro and con list and see
which is greater. Anyway...I love you and I'm willing to
jump through whatever hoop you need me to jump through to
show you that I've changed and that I want to be with you
and only you. I know I've made many many mistakes and that
for your to trust me would take alot of time and alot of
work. I just get the feeling some days that you'd be
willing to make the effort and some days that you don't
think I'm worth the effort. Definitely today I feel that
I'm not worth the effort. Today....when I really could
have used an allay....when I ask you to be on my side...you
failed me. I know I've failed you many more times than you
failed me, but it still hurts. But you really did fail me
today. 30 seconds to let me know you were thinking about
me...that's all it would have taken. But then why would I
want to be with the guy that couldn't take 30 seconds to
let give an encouraging word....but then when I call you
and need you during the dayyou call me right back....it's
like, don't you dare intrude on my time with my friends.
They are like this gold and and bronze or tin...

anyway...this is a draft on not meant for your eyes...just
the ramblings of a broken and broken hearted woman...not a
girl...but wishes she was a little girl and that daddy
would come take care of her and make everything better. I
just want big strong arms to wrap around me and tell me
everything is going to be all right....that's all I want.
Strength and kindness and security. and my love would be
limitless...

I cried out for you tonight and got ignored for 5
hours...then when I did hear from you it was like an
obligatory text...this is what I'm doing. How was I
supposed to respond?


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