Fun doesn't mean happy
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2010-01-16 06:35:55 (UTC)

A weepy Friday

I'm filled with melancholy tonight. You would think that
after 3 years of many lonely Friday nights that I could
cope better with being alone. Why is it so much harder on
the weekends and especially nights without my boys. The
computer is boring me and the TV is boring me. Nothing can
hold my attention long enough to keep the tears away
tonight. I'm not used to having all my eggs (Tom) in the
one basket. I've eliminated all my boytoy options in order
to change my life, but it's leaving me incredibly alone. I
know that superficial sexting and flirting isn't
fulfilling, but it can be distracting and boy what I
wouldn't give for a distraction right now. I chose not to
go out and drink tonight. I'm proud of that and also
wondering why the hell I didn't do it. I guess because of
all the obvious reasons. Yet here I am laying infront of
my TV and computer...neither one is a substitute for human
interaction. I really miss being married and having my guy
with me. I long for it with everything I am. I don't want
to be alone anymore and I'm certain that Tom and I are not
on the same page as far as a relationship is concerned.
Lately I feel like he talks to me out of obligation rather
than due to a longing to connect with me. I know it's time
to admit it to myself...he already knows. But then is it
right for a broken person to date others? What do I have
to offer anyone else right now? I don't even know what I
have to offer myself. I'm just fumbling through life not
sure of anything and especially not sure of myself. A
little meaningless sex might be just the thing expect for
it's never good unless I can totally relax and I'm only that
comfortable with Tom. What am I doing to myself...this is
just torture. To be in love with someone that is afraid to
love me back. He knows right now how awful my day was and
yet he is chosing not to take 1 minute to let me know he
cares. I'm such a fool...this is nothing new. This has
been his way ever since the beginning...he's just like Mark
was which is apparently like alot of men are. If he knows
I'm needy....he pulls away. If I pull away, he becomes
needy. It's time to pull away for good isn't it? This is
not what I need and not what I want and I can't change
him. But I am working on changing myself. That's really
all I can do. And chosing to stay home tonight was a good
thing. As hard as it is right now....I do understand
that. So if I lay here and cry myself to sleep, what's the
worst thing that could happen. Puffy eyes and a headache.
That's it....and I've definitely lived through that.

Guess I'll live romance vicariously through some actors on
a movie and hopefully it will hold my attention til I can
fall asleep. There's always ambian. I'll take it at 11:45
if I don't hear from Tom so I'm alseep by midnight. It's
my last crutch and I've given up so many recently, I just
can't give that one up right now. and that's okay