Writings When I Lost My Mind
I believe that I am terribly depressed, yet just have
discovered it. I miss all the people of my past. Kelly,
Casey, Joy, Jordyn, Manda, Mike, Kimmy and Cioffi. All these
people that I no longer am allowed to talk to. Interesting
how at 21, I am being told that I am not allowed to speak to
these people, who were there for me before my "partner",
when I did nothing wrong. At this point, at the state of the
true 3rd year together, I can't stand to hear her say any of
their names. I feel that she is not worthy to speak their
names. She defiled them all to me when they never did
anything to her. This forever will be the downfall of this
partnership. I will always be seeking for friends I will not
be allowed to have because my partner wants me to depend on
her only for socialization. TO depend on her for all to get
all of life's fulfillment from her. Foolish wish that is.
More foolish is her denial of her insecurities. I feel that
I should repress this again, as I have been. Maybe develop
DID so someone else of me can deal with it so this of me
that is writing will be protected of it, but will reap the
benefits...how sad that the American way has come to my being.
I wonder of the beauty in a break down. I believe I
remember correctly that in Biology, I was taught that after
fire has ravaged the nature in its chaos, new seeds sprout
that could only be opened by the chaos. Something new and
beautiful, compared to what was familiar and safe before the
chaos, is born. I wish no chaos in my life, Pseudocommunity
is where I live and this shade is my tormented comfort. Yet
I know without the chaos in my life I will be eternally
miserable. To live in a hypocritical contradiction is the
Nile of the pseudcommunity.
I wonder of Love. Here I will separate Love and God.
Impossible, but will be done for now. I feel multiple ways
about love. All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
away. I believe in the eternity of Love, but that for all
but a few it is the lost action......I feel no want to speak
of this anymore..
"To Love is to die. To leave all reason. Your sanity
gives in and Love begins. It's the sweetest way to die." I
believe we, people, all know this from birth. If not, we
would never look for the "soul mate" and just chase a
biological match. For us to break our narcissism we need the
person who can overpower it. But as the people of the modern
western world, we are as our idols. We are as what we
worship consistently in our moments. Actors we are and play
the part. Martyr ourselves in the name of love. We bring
unnecessary suffering to ourselves through our narcissistic
ambitions, even though they can be of good intentions.
A world of puppets. I don't fully understand human
behavior. Why as rational creatures we are so irrational.
Abuse is my only answer now. The abuse of our supernatural
gifts of reasoning, logic, expression, changing our minds,
irritations and such.
I want to cry now, but I cannot. No feelings I can
feel. I know them....somewhere, but I can barely feel them.
How is this possible? Such a strange defense mechanism.
"Our weaknesses are just strengths taken two steps too
I realize that the more I write and think the less
fruitful my writing is. As if the conscious has little good
to say, but should let the unconscious be the writer.
I don't want to go home. Home is where I become
stagnate and unable to be and express. The threshold steals
my soul unnaturally. All I wish to do is be alone, socialize
with the friends I've never seen and fantasize about being
somewhere else. What is it to hate the place where for years
my partner resided?
I want to go to another place. A far off land nothing
like this. To go "find myself"...forsaken cliches.
I wonder how hell will be like. I believe it will be
where everything will be answered. Everything was as it
seemed. There was never any mystery. Also with the absence
of God, with all knowing knowledge of who He is. WIth idle
hands and immortality there will just be destruction. Chaos
with no growth, so not even chaos. It would be a word not
made yet. A state of Bahamashad. Mutilation with no death.
Our powers only bent on destruction. Yet with memories of
the earthly life and of the times of peace and fully
understand that place.