A daily confession
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2010-01-10 10:19:23 (UTC)

past 1

Today I'm 33 years and a few months old and I have no idea
how my life became such a mess... I'm finacially ruined, I
have two adorable kids a partner I want to get the fuck
out of my life and oh yeah... I have been attacked and
injured with a knife last summer. This life sucks... Beam
me up Scotty!
That is why I decided to write this diary... maybe if I
write it all down I will see and understand how I ended up
where I am now. And hopefully I never make the same
mistakes again.

I was born in may 1976 as the second child of F. and Y. I
have an older brother who was born exactly 18 months
before me. I have been told and also saw on pictures that
he loved me very much. He always wanted to be with me and
tried to carry me around.

When mom came out of hospital with me my father was still
redoing the house and woodworkers were still making alot
of noise. I was told that I became so nervous as I was
woken up by the noise non stop that I would refuse to eat
and would throw up everything I ate. My mother had to take
me back to hospital and was scolded pretty badly. The
nurse said in all her 20 years of being a nurse she has
never ever seen such a nervous child.

Maybe that is where it started to go wrong... Mom told me
later that my father was always angry as she went to
hospital so much to see me. He had no understanding for
that and told her that she has to consider him and her son
too. Knowing my mother she probably gave in quite a bit to
my fathers demands and most probably that was when
she 'abondoned' me the first time. She was not able to
make my father understand that a newly born needs its
mother the most. She failed to protect me the first time...

I have very little memory of my early childhood but I
shall try to remember and also I will write down stories
that have been told to me.

When I was about 8 or 9 months old I was sleeping quitly
in my babybed... My brother came running to my mother and
was crying and saying again and again that 'Nana' (me) is
crying. My mother went and checked and told my brother
that I was fine and sleeping. He disapeared and came back
after a minute and told my mother totally distressed that
Nana is crying! My mother could not get him to calm down
so she took my brother and showed him that I was sleeping
and finally he calmed down. Again he disapeared and came
back distraught saying that I am crying and unhappy. My
mother tried to reason with him but he would not give up.
Then finally she said that he should show her why he
thinks that Nana is crying. He took her to my dady office
room and showed her some pictures my mother made a few
days before... They indeed showed me crying and unhappy...
How to explain that the picture is not real... :-)

I remember that I had a wooden swing in our garden on a
branch of our cherry tree. It seemed to make me happy and
I think I was there for long times. I also remember that I
loved my mothers scent. to me she was warm and soft.