All that is
Ad 2:
2009-12-13 05:13:33 (UTC)

"i'm a big girl..."

So once again, the story goes. Chris and I were on
different pages.

In florence's party yesterday, i felt like he was trying
to not spend time with me. i'd be going in this direction
and he'd be going in the other. and whenever our paths
crossed he would hang for long. when we were in the garden
i said "wanna go inside for a bit?" and to my surprise, he
said "i think i'll just chill out here for a bit.." that
was the first big blow.
then when i came and sat down, he came over a little while
later and sat on the couch in front of me - i
thought "good". But "good" wasnt the case. some blonde
girl started to talk to him, quite close (and i remeber
him saying, when i asked him that he likes blondes - "i
have a history of blondes..." to which i replied (slightly
disappointed) 'haha im the complete opposite' and she was
talking about his project and how she liked it. and then i
think she was getting up to get a drink or something and i
heard him say 'i'll come' which was a bit crushing to hear
and watch. i wondered if pete who was in front of me was
thinking 'oooh, unlucky - not looking good'
then a little while after, i felt determined to kiss him
(plus i was feeling a little frisky)so i came up to him
and asked if i could jokingly and he went 'hmmm...' and
before he could say yes or no, i did. and it felt good to
kiss him in public for once... i said 'dont worry, nobody
saw', but was secretly hoping people saw. especially that
(blonde)girl called netta, (she was standing up on the
patio and could see us, but i'm not sure if she did..) -
who obviously liked chris. i was with didi in 1001, and
she wasn't giving me any conversation except to ask me
about chris and if i had a thing with him. at first when
told that chris was coming, she pretended (not obviously
but i know this) to forget who 'chris' was...! can u
believe? and yet they're in the same class! i know i sound
like the typical jealous competitor or whatever, but I
have a gift for these things. and then suddenly 10 mins
later she remembers! 'oh, now i know who chris is..!' and
she immediately turns to me (!!) and says 'do you have a
thing with him?' (not to mention that when i introduced
myself to her and said that the night before she was
talking about having a baby face, she was like 'really?'
as if she was sooo drunk. so in 5 secs she's managed to
remember this much?? so through her insane drunkeness, she
could see me and him.. I just said "nahh..., nothing.."
and then again randomly she asked "so do u fancy chris?
with this 'tell-me-the-gossip' look on her face and i
didnt answer for a second and she was like "sorry, sorry,
i always ask too many questions.." and i was like "don't
worry, whatever. he's cool" and those are the only things
she said to me that night. what does that tell you? then
in the garden, she randomly pops up when chris is there
and was like 'hello..' to everyone, but mainly directed at
anyways, after we kissed i cheekily asked 'do you want a
human radiator again tonight?' and he said something
like "last night was quite good" then he went and
said.. "i think i should be honest with you, i'm not
looking to get into a relationship..im just not in that
place right now..." and me, to save self i said "thanks.
for your honesty. i appreciate it.." then i said " i kinda
figured.." then i said "i still would like to be your
radiator for the night.." and he smiled and said "ok".then
after that, i meadered about for the rest of the night
till it was time to leave. became teary eyed on several
moments. especially with aly being really cold with me.
still not sure exactly why. then when it was time to go,
there was slight awkwardness i think. especially when
everybody was walking down the road. he seemed to keep
wanting georgie to come with us, saying that she didnt
know the way back. man especially when we were about to
cross the rd, and he was like calling her name "georgie!"
i was like damn, u really dont want to walk alone with me
do u? like if the girl needs help, she'll ask for it! then
he was like fuck it. and we just walked home. then i
brought it up i said - "about what u said earlier, I think
so too" (lie #1) "i'm not looking to get into a
relationship or anything.." (lie#2) "so what made u think
i wanted a relationship?" and he said "i dunno, u just
seemed keen to meet up a lot..and i didnt want you to get
the wrong impression and lead you on..." and i said "dont
worry i haven't got the wrong impression.. (lie#3)on the
same page...i'm a big girl, i can handle myself..it's just
that when i meet someone even if just someone i'll become
friends with or more than friends, i like to get to know
them.." ( should have added "when i meet someone
interesting, i like to know what they're about, what makes
them tick, i have an inquisitive nature, i like to work
people out, you know, pick peoples' brains. It doesn't
mean i've got the wrong impression, it just means i'm
interested and wanna get to know you..") Then he asked me
if i was asking didi about him earlier and i said - "how
come?" and he said cos didi was like "amaka rang me and
was like i wanna talk to you alone.." and i was like no,
no, no, it's because i didnt get to speak to her yesterday
because of loud music and i hadnt had a proper chat with
her in ages and she was telling me yesterday about our old
friend ena, and how she's a lost child etc. and he was
like "oh, right." and then i said that "she did ask me
about you but i didnt say anything.." and then he
said "didi was also poking him about it yesterday, but he
wouldnt let on" and then i asked him if aly had asked
tonight and he said yeh - that aly was like "so what's
going on with you and amaka?" and he said he was just
like "she's nice and i like spending time with her, but
i'm not looking for a relationship right now..." and that
aly was just like "yeh, yeh, i understand etc.."

then we got back to his, and we sat down and had a chat
for about an hr or so. it was nice too. no awkwardness or
anything, and he seemed to open up a bit more, don't know
if it was because he felt in safe territory now, because i
had told him that i wasnt looking for a relationship.
i asked him about why him and his ex split etc, and he
said 'well i split up with her..just couldnt see a future
with her...i think we were quite different people..." he
said that when they moved in together, it was nice at
first, but then he realised it was like being married
almost "every decision i wanted to make or anything i
wanted to do, i had to put through her...like if i wanted
to go drinking with mates after work, and she just wanted
to chill for the evening, she'd be like 'but i thought we
were gonna just chill, blah blah..' and i was like 'but we
had nothing planned.." we talked about relationships and i
told him that i wouldnt move in with any1 unless i was
engaged at least, and that i enoy my own company a lot,
and like spending time on my own a lot, and he said he was
the same [:-)..] and that i'd have to enjoy their own
company as much as my own, and even silences, just to
enjoy being silent together, (and he was like "yeah,
yeah"), sometimes i don't want to talk, i'm just
pondering, and not to be asked "what's wrong?" and he was
like "yeah i know" we talked about our childhoods, i said
that i was the star child every parent wished they had,
really thoughtful, quite considerate, did chores, willing
to make sacrifices and he said that he was a rebel lol, we
talked about school, he opened up a bit and shared some
stories too, i told him a few stories made him laugh a
little [:-)] then i was like i think i'm quite honest like
i dont screw around, i dont play the game - im straight
up..like even this conversation i'm having with u now is
quite honest..like if i like someone, i dont hide it..also
because i crap at doing so lol and he laughed, and then he
was like "yeh i think i'm a nice guy, i'm not a player
either, just because its not nice to screw people around"
(obviously i gave myself a bit more independence credit
than is true..)
and i added that i was quite thoughtful, and "i tend to
assume that or i like to believe that others are the
same, and often it makes u vulnerable to being screwed
over, so u have to form a cocoon.." and he was like "yeh"
..it was nice. then we went to bed. when we were lying
down, i felt a bit wierd, him touching me, me letting him
touch me after being told that he didnt want a
relationship.. i felt like i was once again settling for
something other than what i wanted and what i deserved.
like i was selling myself short. but also a bit saddened
and self pitying because it was also like i didnt have a
choice. in order to get affection, and to be with this guy
that i was beginning to really like, i had to do it this
it's sad thinking about it - in public he wouldnt hold me,
or touch me or initiate any contact, like literally
wouldnt touch me, no affection. and so controlled so black
and white and almost calculated about it too... i wondered
if that's just his way, or if it was like that with his
old girlfried. did he hold her hand and flirt with her in
public? or is it me?
but then in private - and i mean really private like in
his bedroom with the doors closed, he'd touch me, and hold
me, but alot of the times, its a prelude to sex... when
all i want him to do is hold my hand. i'm like julie
gianni from vanilla sky...
we didn't have sex that night though, we both fell asleep,
obviously too tired. it was about 6am in the morning.

Then this morning, well, more like afternoon we had sex,
not sure what time then slept some more, well i did
anyway, and then later he came back to bed around like 3pm
and i got it on again... I asked him "what's your
definition of good sex?" and he said hmmm, what we were
doing was pretty good.." and he said "what's yours?" and i
said "hmm just passionate, erotic, and a bit of
sensitivity.." and he was like "yeh, a bit fast, a bit
slow" and i said "the other night was really good.." and
he said "yeh it was.."

then we went and had breakfast at this place called costa.
on our way there he was like playfully, "i'm not too
impressed that you gave me a love bite" and i was
like "sorry! lol i got caught up in the moment..its not
that obvious anyway" lol then we got to the place and had
breakfast, and had a few laughs here and there - i was
trying to read a newspaper upside down and he was about to
help me and i said "no, no, don't tell me!" and he
then we walked over to bethnal green station and he said
bye "i had a nice evening, and speak soon..." then we side
kissed and hugged. then i was gone.

don't know what "speak soon" meant this time round. Is it
over between us? will it stay the same or will be more
cautious? or will he text me again? the night before, when
i met him in 1001, he told me about this fasion show that
his housemate conchita was doing, which he might be doing
the graphics for, and he said where and when it was (next
saturday) and then he said "you can come along if you
want.." and i was like "hmm, ok." but that was before we
had this convo about him not wanting a relationship, so i
don't know if the offer still stands. I really like him
though and despite what he said, i'm hoping that we'll
carry on hanging out the way we do, and in time he'll open
up some more and we'll form a tighter friendship at least.
And if he got with another girl, i'd be crushed. really
hurt. unlike with ben, who when he told me he'd slept with
another person, i wasnt phased. almost relieved because at
least then i knew how it was for sure, or how he saw it at

i wanna know what the deal is with chris, so the next time
i see hi, i'm gonna say to him "i'm not looking for a
relationship either, i just want to keep things simple.."
or maybe ask him - "do u just wannta keep things simple?"
cos i do - and maybe tease him a little like "..yeh i felt
the same way, but i wasn't sure how to break it too you -
didn't wanna hurt your feelings or anything..lol" "i know
what a great catch i am..lol"

i guess i still have hope. or at least hope that we'll
still hang out the way we do. but then, if he saw a girl
he liked, what's stopping him from getting with her. and
to be fair A LOT of girls in his course like him. i know i
sound paranoid, but i've noticed it. netta, another blonde
girl..those other girls i saw talking to him the first
time we met, and that first time, i wasnt bothered. i
guess cos i knew he was going home with me. but at the
party on fri night, i was worried. especially since i knew
he wasn't after me in that way. whenever i saw a girl
talking with him, i'd get restless, suspicious of her, and
automatically think she knew i liked him and was trying to
get in there. and when we first saw eachother at the
beginning of the party, and he asked where we had just
been and i said just in cafe 1001, and then he was
like "were u with netta etc?" and i said "yeh". that made
me suspicious. he might have just been asking an innocent
question but to me, at that moment, especially after the
way netta behaved with me in 1001, i wondered if there
might have been something there. if they were close
somehow, or if he was interested in her. you know like it
was pretty specific right? like why would he say her name.
but i'm sure i'm just being over-analytical even this
night, i know he went to georgie's party. what if he gets
with someone there? it's made me wonder if he likes
georgie aswell. wow. had no idea i was like that. i guess
it's i've never liked a guy the way i like him, but it's
not solid yet so im worried. he's differnt. makes me
wonder if i'm going to be like that, or if that's the way
i really am, but just never had the opportunity for that
side of my personality to show...

he asked me what i was doing tonight and i said going to
molton house.. and he asked who with? and i said some
girls not from school etc. I know i didnt go in the end,
but i wasn't going to say that was i? wonder why he was
asking. was it just making convo, or did he really care
like thinking "what is she doing tonight..?"

Another revelation - i bumped into ludek the other day in
school, and we were catching up briefly and he asked me
how was alessandro and if i was still seeing him - and i
said no, and that he talks out of his arse and he was
like "don't trust him..." and i was like "really?" and he
was like "yeh, he's not a good guy.." and i was actually
surprised, and i asked how come? and he just said "maybe
you don't understand some of the things he says in
italian, but he's not nice..."

so there. I knew this at the back of my mind - not that he
wasn't a good guy, not to that extent, but that he was
flaky, not serious and would screw girls about. i mean i'd
often said to myself that i'd hate to be his g/f, and hav
to put up wit his bullshit. but then here comes ludek
saying that he's actually not a good guy. and he had a
serious look on his face too. wow. it seems i'm more
trusting of people than i thgought. i told this to chris

so far me and chris have slept together 7 times. lol look
at me keeping tabs - once when we first met, twice that
wednesday we had dinner at that bar, twice again this
thursday and twice again on saturday afternoon.

I don't know what the deal will be anymore. because last
week, he didnt contact me on his own for like a week, i
had to do the initiating. and that was when things
were 'ok'. but then again he had tonnes of work. and then
now that this 'not wanting a relationship' thing is out in
the open, will it make him less inclined to contact me
more? or maybe it could go both ways. maybe the fact that
we've had the conversation and i've told him i feel the
same way, and im not looking for a relationship, it might
would make him stop wondering whether anything he does is
leading me on, so he wont think twice, maybe..?
i don't know.

I'm just puzzled why it is that every guy i meet and
like 'doesnt want a relationship' it's beginning to make
me wonder whether it's me? do they meet me, get to know
me, and then decide they don't like me enough like that?
it's not nice that when i think about it, every sex i've
ever had has been in a situation like this. one of self
sacrifice, and settling for less. when will i meet someone
who wants the same things i want?