All that is
Ad 2:
2009-12-02 08:19:51 (UTC)


"Are you the girl chris has been seeing?"

got a phone call from reception, had to go and check out
7d4 - apparently making some noise.
when they opened the door, i saw the guy that was at
florence's house party, tom. who chris is researching. and
i was like 'are you tom?' and he said yeh, then I was like
your the guy that chris is researching right? and he was
like "yeh..." you're the girl that chris is seeing right?
and i didnt know what to say to be honest. i've never been
referred to as the girl that anyone is seeing. The
transition from meeting a guy to having them become a
regular person that you see and do things with, is easily
attainable for everybody else it seems. even the most
unlikely people (not so good looking)... but for me, it's
completely alien. Something so far fetched in my mind, not
because i don't like the idea or don't want it - i do -
but because i can't see myself being someone's girlfried.
can't imagine someone referring to me as their girlfriend.
Don't know why. I think it's because i'm 20 and it hasnt
happened yet, and the longer it takes, the more unlikely
that reality becomes, in mind.
Like i was having this conversation with max yesterday,
and i told him about chris and asked him how you know that
you're 'seeing each other', as i'm in unchartered waters
here. i mean that literally. i have no clue. after the
flirtatious period with texts etc, i dont know what the
fuck to expect in terms of progressing onto something
resembling a relationship. i have no clue. And i'm
realising that everyone is different. sounds dumb, because
of course i knew that already...it hasn't taken me 20 yrs
to figure that out....but my point is that im only just
starting to appreciate, or accept maybe that everybody
does things differently. The way i feel towards a person
when i like them or how i respond to a person when i like
them, is different to the next person, and the next.
before (well i say before, but i guess i'm still trying to
ween myself out of the habit) i'd refer my own romantic
inclinations and tendencies, as the standard for what the
done thing was when you liked somebody. i would project
this onto others, and onto guys that i was 'talking with'.
I'd expect them to do the sames things and behave in the
same way towards me, as i would towards them. And when
they didn't i'd take it badly. personally. i, but i'd
assume that they didnt like me as much etc. it would throw
my mood and my confidence, which is really bad. But im now
beginning to accept that everyone is different in romantic
situations. Someone might like you, but might be really
laid back about it. They still like you all the same, but
it's not in their nature to become hung over it. Or
someone might like you but have a really logical, maintain-
perspective type of personality. So they'll have other
priorities like work, deadlines to work towards etc, so
they won't have the tendency to become completely absorbed
in this person. They may be hard working, and like keeping
on top of their work load, so might be preoccupied like
that. doesn't mean that they dont like you, just means
that they're busy and aren't they kind of personality that
will skip their work, even if they like you. I meant I get
that sometimes, but usually only closer to a deadline,
because that's when i actually get down and do the work.
i'd want to see someone, but have to face the fact that i
don't have the time because i actually have to finish this
piece of work, or fail etc. but because i'm prone to
procrastination and leaving things to the last minute,
those moments usually only occur near a deadline, so very
occasionally. But for someone who does work consistently
(like chris), those moments occur more frequently. I'm
still learning about myself, my likes and my dislikes, my
hobbies and my passions, (which i'm still not exactly sure
of even). Basically my energies and my time are not widely
distributed, and so i have more time on my hands for guys
etc. Whereas they may have several other passions and
enjoyments that take their time, which is healthy. I need
that. i dont want all of my energy to be focused always on
one person or finding one person. that's why i feel cuts
and slights deeper i think. I think about when i have
errands to run and enjoyable things to do etc, and how i
loose myself and track of time and who i'm supposed to
text or who i'm supposed to expect a text from! it doesnt
mean that i dont like that person as much, it just means
that i'm preoccupied with other things too. those times
come only occasionally for me, whereas for others, that's
their daily routine. what i need to do is increase the
frequency of those moments - put my time and energy into
creating opportunities for embarking on things I enjoy.
Max said it well last night. I was asking about shristi
and their relationship, and he was saying that shristi is
quite clingy, that she wants to be with him 24/7 and when
she's not she gets upset. obviously i can relate to that,
although i didn't let on. but then he said that he can
tell that i'm quite clingy too - which was very insightful
of him, although i have no idea how he got that idea. it
seems i give away more than i realise when i'm around
people i trust i guess. i dont mind that. it's nice that
someone made a comment on an aspect of my personality that
is true. that someone knows me in that way. at the time i
was a little annoyed that i was described as clingy
though. definately have to keep that in check - and i dont
mean hide it, but work towards achieving independence more
etc. I asked what made him think that and he said that i
just form connections with things more 'even if its just
and object' and that for example the other day when we
went to yo sushi, i was like this has changed, etc and i
remembered little things, and that shristi's the same
too....... so there. maybe its's a libra thing. because
pam has said similar things. but then again she's seen a
more toxic side of me that max hasn't. but maybe you dont
need to see that side necessarily to come to a conclusion
like that. He made a valuable point, which has so much
truth in it. that you can't place the make up of happiness
and enjoyment on one thing or one person. because what
happens when that thing or person ceases to exist? your
happiness is ruined, and you feel like your world has
collapsed, and there's nothing to live for anymore. which
is true.
Max understands and appreciates emotion the need for
emotional attachment, but his practical side means that he
chooses to choose a different approach; so it's not that
he's incapable of the intensity that i'm capable of
feeling for a thing or a person.
Thats a really good quality in max. he's logical but not
in the cold, detached way that some people often are. He's
logical but he's also a bit of a humanitarian. he has
strength in the realm of people, just like i do, but from
a different angle. it's interesting. mine obviously is
more compassionate and emotional and maternal, his is more
teacher-ish..don't know if that's the right way to
describe it. can't think of the word right now. maybe
analytical and helful....again helpful is a crap way to
describe it.

And more importantly, i'm slightly different. More
intense, more rapid, more prone to emotional attachment,
more in need of being needed. Im more intuitive and I feel
things more - I'm more sensitive. I can overwhelm without
realising it. All of these make for a deeper - or the need
for a deeper connection or 'courting phase' or whatever
you call it. while in other more 'balanced' individuals,
this phase is more casual. my attachment style is
different, and this i have to start remembering and
keeping in check. I'm highly considerate and thoughtful,
and tend I assume that others think that way, or else I
want to believe that others are that kind, and thoughtful.
But that's not how it is. Everybody has different levels
of consideration and different priorities. So when someone
doesn't respond to me the way I would to them, or rather
when they don't act or react according my standard which
i've held up for them as THE standard, I shouldn't take it
to heart or be disheartened, because they're not me. For
example whenever i'm expecting a text message from someone
(chris) or I feel slightly discouraged about the progress
of something I have to remember this, and even have to say
sometimes "you're different".

I also asked max about how his relationship with shristi
progressed at the start - i asked him how long it was
before they were 'official' (5 months) and what you are
before you're official('seeing eachother', apparently) and
how long you had to be together before you were 'seeing
eachother' and he said about two months, and he said that
he was straight with her from the start that he was in
this for the long haul, and was tired of messing around
with girls etc, and wanted to settle down etc and he could
see himself settling down with her etc - and i asked how
long it was before they had that convo and he said about 2
i'll ask him how long it was before they slept together or
at what point did they start holding hand etc - lame i
know - i 'm basically clueless in terms of the timespan.
in my mind, it happens quickly and you do what you feel
like... and even though it's subjective to every
relationship, apparently there is kind of a time span. And
if i have to remember that everyone is different, i have
to take this into account. Especially with chris i think.
Even though i get the feeling that he'll more 'solid' and
consistent, I also get the feeling that he's the
practical 'take things very slowly kind' not that the
romantic whirlwind kind.
he's very reserved, even though this seems contradictory
to me now because when we first met at that house party,
we were like lets play 5 questions, and he went first and
asked 'do you fancy me?' which totally surprised me...
(i'll have to ask him why he asked me that!) then i
skipped it and asked him the same question and he
replied "yea". which is odd because now i couldn't imagine
him doing that.

it's a different one this time because he doesnt do the
typical dickhead thing id expect from guys.
ok here's how its been in nutshell:

- Thursday two weeks ago, we met at a houseparty. i ended
up going home with him and we slept together. (about that
by the way, i don't know what it is about me, but it seems
that when i meet someone fit at a party or wherever, i
want to sleep with them. i don't like to do the
whole 'strategy' like waiting for a day or two then
arranging a date... it might be to do with my
horniness...but i also think it's to do with confidence.
like it's all well and good getting some1's number, but
will they call me? will they still remember me the next
day. its like i dont trust that i'll see them again, so
i'll take what i can, when it's offered. I really should
try and have more confidence there).
But then again, i want to say to chris, that if a guy
likes me more because i refused his offer when he asked me
to come home with him the first night, then it means he
would have liked me less if i had come home, and that he's
still the same douchebag who asked me home on the first
night, and who would have shagged me and moved on. I don't
want to have to 'win' someone over by witholding
sex 'until the thrid date' because essentially that's what
the girl is doing isnt it? all these dates are a lead up
to what actually seems to be the sole purpose of dating in
the first place! sex. and after the big bang, both sides
drop their veil of perfection and it's all reality from
there onwards. sometimes this can turn out to be something
great, but other times, on his part the thrill of the
chase is over, she realises his main goal was to screw her
and now he's bored, expect that its too late - she's
formed a slight attachment already.

and the sex that i'm 'with-holding' is sex that i want
too. what gives a man - or anyone for that matter, the
right to ask you to have sex with them, and then rate you
higher when you refuse? that's saying that sex belongs to
the man in question. a woman can only enjoy it on his
terms - even though you may appear to be the one in
control of when it happens, the only reason you're
witholding it in the first place is because you don't want
him to think you're easy. you only do it to obtain some
sort of control over a whole realm that men already
control. I hold this view more strongly because i see it
all the time - in africa sex belongs to men not women.
women can only enjoy sex inside the terms of motherhood,
and procreation. it's inappropriate in any other way.

and i'm having a conversation with a goodlooking guy, i
fancy him, he fancies me - if i'm witholding sex, i dont
want it to be the only reason he's talking to me.

Anyways, as i was saying........

- the next day on friday, he walked me to the station and
he was like let me know what you're doing later tonight
etc, before we parted.

- so later that friday nigt, amartey was having a
gathering on his boat and so later that night i rang him
and he was in the pub and I told him about it and said i
wanted to see him again tonight, (and he was
like "...tonight huh..? like in a cheeky tone) and said if
he'd like to come. he general tone of it was that he was
kind of comfortable where he was and didnt really want
leave, then i asked what time he'd be back from the pub -
trying to get to see if i could come over or somethng, and
we nearly made an arrangement when i said so do u just
want to watch movies..? and he was like yeh i dont mind,
you could bring your laptop over.." but then i felt
slightly like i was putting him on the spot and that the
conversation was getting a bit nowhere, so i said "why
don't you think about it and then let me know?" and he
said yeh. sure...
so after i hung up, i was certain i'd blown that one
completely and he'd be thinking what a pushy wierdo..
and then when he text me later that night he said that he
was just going to chill here tonight but we should meet up
soon, is that ok? and i replied saying that i was in my
pjs and in bed and the boat thing wasnt happening, speak
later. i didnt expect a reply but he txt saying yeh not
really feeling it tonight! speak soon

- didnt expect to hear from him but on sunday while i was
at pam's house, he messaged me saying hi amaka how was the
family day yesterday? (so he remembered)and i said it was
good what was he doing, then he said just project stuff. i
didnt reply, even after pam said he's obviously leaving
space for u to ask,

- so on that same night i get a text around 10ish
saying 'i was meant to give u a call this eve but suddenly
realised it's gotten late... then we exchanged a few more
bells and he finally called. spoke on the phone for about
45 mins, and he said maybe we should hook up this week and
we arranged to meet on wednesday.

- come wednesday, he meets me at bethnal green station
and we go to a pub near his. end up having dinner and then
go back to his. we sleep together - then again around like
4am in the morning.

- wake up around 12 on thursday, and he makes me coffee,
hang out and chat in the kitchen, both agree that 'last
night was fun' then he walks me back to the station and he
says speak soon.. he goes to brighton on friday for the

- on sunday eve i message him saying how was brighton? he
replies saying it was boozy etc did u have a good w'end?
and then im like glad u had fun and tell him about my
weekend. I dont get a text back. im beginning to get the
feeling he wants to call it off, he's not feeling it

- then on monday he texts saying argh! got so much to do
this week...deadline on the 7th - how was your monday?

- then i reply about my deadline tomorrow, and i ask if
he fancies a chat later that night, and he replies saying
he's not much good for chatting as he's tired from the
weekend etc, tomorrow? and i said tomorrow's good, had
enough procrastination for one night, etc and he replies
ha nice, chat tomorrow then. x

- come tuesday, i expect to hear from him but i don't i
spend most of the evening asleep anyway so dont really
dwell on it much. although i thought him more the
consistent kind, and if he couldnt call, i'd have expected
him to text... maybe today, who knows?

I do like him though. but only time will tell what the
deal will be. my problem is that i dont like to wait on
someone to call and arrange a date with me? i mean what if
they dont call? i need something more definate than that
to go on, to be excited about...so i like to take things
into my own hands. but maybe this time i should sit back
and have faith in the person, and in them doing what they
say they will...