ABeautifulDisaster

Ramblings of an Angry Squirrel
2009-12-01 16:25:12 (UTC)

I had to wonder...

Dear Diary,

I've been in and out of a relationship for the past four
years. It was something I wanted, something I craved, for
the longest time. I hate to say it, but I was addicted to
someone. When he wasn't in my life, it felt like things
fell apart. Nothing else felt quite right. However, when
we were together it was a roller coaster, to use the tired
cliche. The thing is, I love him. I love him very much,
or else I truly think I would've stayed gone when we broke
up before. Maybe I felt like I couldn't get anyone like
him again. he was my first boyfriend that had a car. He
was the first guy to seem like he accepted me for me. Four
years later, it feels like I was wrong.

I was watching an episode of Sex & the City last night with
Tiffani and I realized that Carrie and Big are similar to
Randy and myself. We shouldn't be together, but somehow we
keep going through the same routine. In the beginning,
things feel great and seem like they are going to work
out. Then he seems to change his mood and I get left in
the dust. He doesn't 'leave' me or anything, but he might
as well. He stops caring about what I feel or my
emotions. He says mean things and acts selfishly. I try
so hard for him to be happy, but it seems like I can't fix
anything.

The other night, he pretty much talked down to me and told
me basically that I was going nowhere and I was too
dramatic and that he can't deal with me anymore. He really
can't handle the vision loss thing, and it becomes more and
more apparent. Last night I realized that I couldn't see
colors much anymore, and I was trying to tell him because
the actual story is kind of amusing, but he kept changing
the subject completely. When I asked him why, he said
because he didn't want to be depressed. I mean, it's not
like I was even presenting it that way. Regardless of how
he feels, shouldn't he let me talk about what's goign on in
my life? Then he proceeded to tell me that I never went
out, even though I was telling him about how I went out
with Tiffani yesterday.

It feels like all he does is bring me down. It feels like
he doesn't really care about what I say or think. I'm
tired of going through the same cycle, and if he keeps this
up, won't it be worse in the end, if I let it continue for
more? If Carrie and Big had decided to end it at season
three, wouldn't she ultimately have been happier? I mean,
that's a tv show, but still...

Is it really time for me to get out?




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