NotSoSadSadie

The Laughter Inside My Mind
2009-11-14 01:06:01 (UTC)

The Pain of her being gone is TERRIBLE

It has been over two months since i've last wrote..shit i
really don't know where to begin..

Life has been hectic..I've been drowning my misery with
drinking and sex...

Well Sept was indeed a long depressing month..my middle son
turned 16 and my mom passed away..how much more depressing
can life get?
Not that i'm sad my son got older, but so fucking pissed off
and sad that my mother isn't here..
So how sad is it that i am talking about her to my co-worker
in the middle of the day and say i'm going to call her since
the last time i talked or seen her was Sunday (yeah what a
great daughter right?) so instead of calling her i go home
and lay down on the couch because i'm tired from work, yea
well my phone rings at like 930ish and i see it's the number
from where my mom is living, and i think oh gawd they are
going to tell me she's in the hosp again so i just kinda hit
the silence button so i can kinda wake up because i know
that my cellphone is going to ring because that's what they
always do when i don't answer the house phone, so ring ring
goes my cellphone and as i look at the phone, i see it's my
sisters number, i had a sinking feeling right then and there
because my sister never calls me that late, and as i answer
it i hear her crying, moms dead, i yell at her and tell her
she's lying and then my house phone rings..it's
lynn..fucking hell..i fell to the floor, i couldn't
breathe..i went out there...i had to see her before they
took her away..i should have never pulled back that
blanket..so much blood..i had to close her eyes..how could
nobody clean her up? so my sister and i did..then i looked
at her socks..she would have kicked my ass if i would have
let her go out of that house with blood on her socks, so i
changed them..covered her up to her chin, i knew she was
cold..she hated the cold..i cant think, the funeral home
comes, we have to let her go, she's already been laying
there for five hours..we tell the funeral dudes to watch her
fucking head...they were just going to let it hang there, i
asked them not to cover her up in the body bag, my two boys
were outside and i didn't want them to see her being carried
away like that..they didn't..the pain of planning a
funeral..it all went so fast..i was strong..i had to be..i
was her oldest..she was cremated and we just now laid her to
rest this past Sat..had to relive the pain all over again..I
never knew losing a parent would hurt this bad...i can't
stop thinking about her..it sucks because we were never that
close until this past year..i think i stopped asking why..i
know she isn't hurting anymore..that cancer kicked her
ass...FUCKING disease...I'm so pissed that she's not here..I
want to tell her soooo many things that i couldn't or didn't
want to before, why is it when a person dies then that's
when we start thinking about shit we should have done? You
don't think i have been taking more mental meds to help me
cope? you don't think i try to block theworld out with
drinking? i love to get drunk and then i put on a smile for
people, because i'm so tired of hearing people say, it will
be ok..HOW DO THEY FUCKING KNOW, their mothers are still
alive...I told you i was pissed i know they don't know what
to say..I want to scream on top of the world..i am SOOOOOOO
Pissed..i hate cancer it's taking too many people..like 15
years ago, tons of people could say that they knew of
someone that had cancer, but nowadays it's like everywhere
you turn around somebody you know has or has recently died
from it..WHAT THE FUCK DID THE GOV DO? i blame them..all
these years of research and no cure? oh there's some kind of
cure alright, but then what would happen to all of their
researchers that make all this money? bah...i'll write more
sometime again soon i'm sure..


Much Love,
Sadie




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