blkdragon

grounded
2009-11-08 20:32:10 (UTC)

Reunion of souls

08/11/09--11:56 AM I took my time getting out of bed this
morning, began cleaning the apartment, a way to stay ahead
of not feeling too happy; sorted the utility closet and
washed the few dishes remaining in the sink. I’d find myself
watching some movie of Tyler Perry’s, it contained Cicely
Tyson and Maya Angelou, the primary theme of this movie
mirrors my assessment of the most solid families; those with
the strongest women. The highlight of the movie for me was
when the elder called everyone to attention with the ringing
of a huge bell, everyone (instinctively) knew they were
being called to attend, Cicely’s character laid out the
Family’s history; how the Family’s ancestors purchased their
freedom and bought the shack that housed them. That shack
became the ancestral home, a testament to their past and a
foundation for their future, that home would also be a
reminder of what that Family had survived; she would tell
all of those present to turn and hug the relative beside
them. Telling the men that it was time for them to take
their place, telling the women to respect themselves more,
they described their idea of true love; how it was a merging
of two souls. The movie illustrated how Families willingly
accepted everyone into them, understanding the meaning and
necessity to love; I’ll have to find that movie for my library.
I’ve wanted to call my Sister today, question her more about
our Father, she has always been the rock I’ve recognized in
my life; she’s not doing so well now and I believe she fears
her horizon is near. She’s been trying to get us all
together, get us to try to love each other more, I applaud
her efforts and there are very few things she could ever ask
of me that I wouldn’t do; none of us seem to possess the
ability to get beyond our pains and fears.
I believe our primary problems stem from not being honest
with ourselves, not being honest about our past, refusing to
see the brutality of pains suffered at the hands of (what
should have been) love; even Fret seems to be guilty. I now
understand what I represent to them all, my Siblings, I
represent the door that they feel needs to remain closed; I
bring the questions that bear answering. Donna knew she’d
done wrong by her husband, regardless of what he’d done, she
also knew that I was not kidding when I told him what would
happen if he should put his hands on her; men don’t lay
hands on women, period! Donna probably understands why I
have nothing to say to her, she seems to have paved her way
to prosperity with misdeeds, she seems to hide herself in
her studies and profession. I think we all overcompensated
for our past with our children, it was inevitable, when a
child doesn’t feel much in the way of love they decide all
the things they won’t do with their children.
I also have to be honest in my assessment of myself, I did a
lot of wrong to a lot of people, most of them probably
weren’t even aware of what I may have done; the worst was
done to Kathy. The things we did to each other in the name
of a love we knew nothing about, the pain we both brought to
the table, when you grow up without you get very selfish;
whether it be materials or the stability of Family that we
both lacked.
I understand why Kathy and Charlotte refused to be
dismissed, believing they’d found someone they could love
but you can’t make anyone love you, both of them had things
they refused to be open about and love is about sharing;
there is nothing I’ve ever done that could bring me to that
level of shame and I know that’s part of the reason I’m with
neither of them. I was willing to accept them without
reservation, as long as they were willing to share
everything about their lives with me, how could you do any
less with someone you profess to love?
Managed to get 40 push-ups in, night before last, I paid for
it this morning; could barely put weight on that shoulder.
I’m determined to increase the strength in that shoulder,
began doing a different exercise for my abdominals, we’ll
see if it tightens everything; I’m sure considerable
repetitions are more necessary than less.
I dropped by the pool yesterday, never swam, got there with
only 20 minutes left to swim; considered swimming later in
the morning and didn’t. I was still talking to Faye when Nic
returned, went to speak to her and stayed for the rest of
the afternoon, seems the kid she had problems with (earlier
in the week) returned with a friend. They stopped to stand
in the door, Nic asked them not to, emergency exit and such;
the friend decided to pull out his cell and make a call. The
young man stepped inside the pool area, stopped to the
inside right of the door and leaned against the wall waiting
for the intended to answer the phone, he would say that it
was his Father; I’d surmise the situation was a set up to
disturb Nic.
08/11/09--3:12 PM Got a call from Jason this morning, he’s
planning to spend the night, we’ll drink and catch up; he
wants me to come out with him and his girl next weekend. I
let him know the shape I’m in, he still wants me to be with
them, I’ve told him my plan to be in class come Spring; I’ll
begin with an AAS in Nanoscale Materials Technology. This
field is on the Department of Labor’s list of emerging
technologies and I don’t have to concern myself with
licensure or being a convicted felon. I’ll be at the school
next week to speak to an adult education counselor. I plan
to stay very busy, It’s possible I may be able to achieve my
AOS in Culinary Arts, I need to wrap my mind around
something other than personal problems I can’t conclude.




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