Metallicminds

The Metallic life
2009-11-04 23:25:19 (UTC)

Entry 107: Hopefully I'm learning

I'm noticing things as I get older, as I look at the
world-one year at a time. It's a gradual process but getting
there. I've seen things, bad things that I wouldn't want
anyone else to see, none the less experience. I've seen
that, from my own perspective/experience, at least the world
I've seen, for every one thing that is good, there will
always be at least two things that are bad-unfortunate but
true. Especially when times get rough and people panic-when
things go wrong, it's hard to be optimistic but oh so easy
to be bitter and pessimistic about things, anything.

Another unfortunate fact about life as far as I’m
concerned-I'm seeing that the things that are good for us
has always had a heavier price tag and that there will
always be risks when it comes to being human. But one thing
I'm beginning to learn is that having strong belief is
better than having just enough belief-especially in the
things I've already mention in the context above. I'm seeing
the importance of this especially. Having belief in myself
has been a problem (in the sense that I significantly lack
confidence) As I started having belief in God-it made it a
lot easier for me to face my day and to let go of things
that just weren't right with me. I'm currently going at a
pace comfortable for me. It wasn't until recently that I've
decided to get up again and slowly go day by day. It wasn't
until I started to realize, as I'm getting older, that
belief in myself hasn't helped me much. I need to take into
consideration that my resources, abilities, strength, power
needs focus (first and foremost). Before God, no focus and
no direction or meaning. So what did I have to present to
God when I decided to turn to Him? Nothing....... absolutely
nothing. I know, disappointing, isn't it? But after getting
to know God (as I'm currently yearning to learn more) I'm
learning that it's not my job to present anything to
God-it's God that presents things to me like "life's
lessons". "My job" is to open my eyes and ears, listen to
what God's trying to say or what He's trying to show me and
learn from them. Similarly to a student, walking into a
classroom for the first time, the instructor presents the
material-then, in the end, the student walks out after the
semester with knowledge of some sort. You will never see a
student presenting anything to the instructor (unless to
show that he/she is presenting his/her progress throughout
the duration). In this case I can't present anything in
comparison to what God has to present. I can try to present
something to God but that would mean that I would be running
the risk of God taking whatever I'm trying to present to Him
and hearing Him say "It's wrong-try again." In that case,
now what? Back to square one until I get it right.

Till this day I'm still trying to get it right. One thing
God has taught me is to keep getting up after I trip and
fall. It's just frustrating when you hold yourself to a high
standard. I think that maybe another reason why my
confidence is low-I let myself down so easily each and every
time I make a mistake. I guess in the sense that I do have
that "perfectionist" side of me.




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