self destruction introduction
I can't remember my last entry, can't have been that
impressive. My emotions are always in such a state of
constant flux and although I know what I "should" do and
what would be best for me (despite the hurt and tears) I
continue on, maybe it's the constant disruption and
disturbance which I'm after. My relationship with Steph is
full of disturbances and disruptions.
Things are good at the moment. Last night we went out to
Janelles house for 'drinks' it was ok, I was pretty nervous
about Steph being uncomfortable or feeling alienated but
her stunning social skills saved the day (evening). It
suddenly occured to me while Steph and I sat in the kitchen
and discussed the gender transgression in 'Mildred Pierce'
that she was exactly what I'd been searching for. I would
get myself down wishing I had someone smart and fun to talk
to (although all my friends are fun they don't want to talk
about anything serious..or political..but they are smart,
don't get me wrong). I got what I wanted.
Some days I can't work out if the bad out weighs the good
but when I'm with her and talking to her I just can't
believe that it could get any better than what I'm
experiencing when I'm with her.
She's just so fucking fascinating. I can't stand it.
So, I spent my monday and tuesday confirming my feelings
for her physically which is important to me. It's been so
good. when it's good it's very very good.
I feel a bit distracted and removed due the vodka I drank
last night makes it difficult to articulate or even
understand what I want to say.