Middle Child

Listen. Don't Speak.
2009-10-11 22:34:23 (UTC)

This past week....

This has been a crazy unforgettable week for me. I’ll start
with Monday..
Monday- I don’t have any classes on Monday but I decided to
go. I had everything I needed to study for my stats exam on
Wednesday; everything from laptop to a lunch. I also had to
meet up with a friend I haven’t seen in awhile, so it was
another factor for me going to school even thought I didn’t
have to go. Long story short, I left school after an hour
and I didn’t wait for my friend. There was something in me
that pushed me to leave school and go home.. Do you not know
that the bus that I got on go into an accident! I was so
shit scared. I started talking to this guy from school and
we both walked together to the station. As we were walking
and talking I saw my ex. How fucked up that day has been!
Thursday- I found out my last ex was dating. What surprised
me more was my reaction to this. I was emotionless. I
reminded myself how he had no confidence, he was easy to
manipulate and he did whatever his buddies told him to do! I
can’t have that, maybe that’s why I didn’t care. My friend
thinks I don’t care because I’m talking to this other guy.
It could be true; however this guy didn’t cross my mind when
I found out about it.
Also, the guy i’m talking to has been pretty weird lately
but not in a strange or rude manner. He’s nicer hahaha!
Don’t get me wrong I like it. It’s just weird to me because
we always fight and are verbally abusive to each other. So
when I tell him that I’m going to put him in a head lock, he
says, “Okay... do it.” My friends think he likes me......
oh dear.
Honestly diary, I really don’t know what to think about
this. I like him but I don’t know if I could date him. I
feel like we’re at different stages in life, yet we aren’t?
That doesn’t make sense. I’m a girl. I analyze shit so I’ll
break it down.
-He is 4-5 years older than me (I’m 22 and he is 27)
-He is looking into buying a place at the moment
-He has older, mature, career oriented friends

What is the problem?

-I’m still in university. I’ll probably graduate in 2 or 4
years if I get into a Continuing Education program once I’m
done my undergrad. However, after 2 years, the likelihood
of finding a job.. Eh.. doesn’t look promising. I will
probably go back to school; maybe attend college to get some
hands on experience. --- So, I won’t be able to settle down
in the next 5-6 of my life.
-I’m too shy to meet his friends. I look younger than my
actual age. This almost bothers me because it has been an
issue with my last few boyfriends. I don’t want this guy to
feel like a pedophile! I’m 22 but I’m educated. I’m not an
airhead so I shouldn’t feel worried. If his friends are
open-minded people they could careless if I look my age or
not, right?
-I don’t know what my parents will think.
-I know sex will be an issue, or it’ll scare him away... far
-I don’t think I want to date; I like my freedom and I think
I like how we’ve been since we started talking. We’ve been
talking daily for about 3 months and we hang out once or
twice a week, always. I don’t like worrying about us talking
or hanging out.

As side from my analysis, we have been becoming really open
with each other lately. We’ve been joking around more about
taking advantage of each other, he really wants to get me
drunk, we massage each other (and he talks about how my
hands are cute haha!). The other night we started talking
about our past regrets with regards to drinking and/or sex.

Why does he want to get me drunk? So I can make the first
move on him? So we can have casual sex? So he can see what
kind of drunk I am, slut or not? Or just for a good laugh?

I don’t know.