Constant: continuing without pause
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2009-09-21 09:05:49 (UTC)

No sleep yet.

I am pretty surpised by the amount of people who have
already left me messages, letting me know they at least
have read one or two entries or those who said theyve been
reading them since about day one. Thank you!
Its kinda of a shock to me! People actualy care? hah wow.

But Ive been asked by a few people to maybe explain a few
things more or go into a little more detail.
Im not sure what exactly that means, like I get it but in
what parts? Garrett? Things I just do daily? random
thoughts? I dont know. Please help me on that part.

Anyways lets see, what is keeping me awake.

...the obvious of course.
Ive gone through old text ive saved of his ( which im sure
most girls do that, save all the cute ones ) It makes me
sad, because these text still make me smile, and theyre
just stupid. Like the very first text after he asked for
me number
8:49PM Tue May 5 "Rachel! It's garretttt! :)"
I saved that cause I knew from that day..he was special.
And 6:03PM Sun, Jul, 5 "Really? :) Hm. Well yeah the
feeling is mutual. Pretty sure you knew that though lol"
I had sent him a text about 3 minutes before telling I for
sure liked him..Which I knew after spending the fourth at
his house with him and everyone.
10:04PM Tus, Jul 14 "Ahhah. Ahh. Ok Mmm. I'll talk to you
tomorrow then cute girl.Sleep good, goodnight!"

Why do I want to cry right now?
Ive told him EVERYTHING I feel about him. Down to even the
probably 3rd time I ever saw him at a show in seattle. He
was dating a girl named caitlyn who he felt he was in love
with at the time. I didnt know him, he spoke by then no
more than probably a total of 10 minutes but that whole
night I was jealous of her, that she could have that
amazing guy on stage.
I told him that two days ago before his last show where
brooklyn was going to be at. He told me just sorry and
knows now this will be harder but he doesnt want it to be.

I know I love garrett. As silly as it is, Hes only 17..18
in a few days. And Im here 19 years old.
Ive had one long term relationship and eric..a short fling
dating guy, i dont even know...A mistake I admit now.
Ive felt feelings before, feelings of like, lust and a
taste of love. But this feeling garrett gives me blows
them all away. I understand his body language, I
understand when hes hurt and he doesnt want to admit it, I
understand his stupid jokes and I love everything. I love
how he goes crazy over dogs and fights with me about how I
love cats and he thinks their stupid. I love how red his
cheeks get when its hot..heck I love his red cheeks
always. I love his laugh and his what I think sounds like
matthew maconahay voice. I love his overly hairy legs and
his perfect teeth. I love his heart and his soul. I love
his emotion and meaning he puts into all his songs. I love
his ability to out smart me. I just love him.

God tells me not to worry, tells me its okay. And tells me
that though I have damanged my name I am restored and back
to the daughter he is amazed with..that he promised one
man out there for me that I dont "want" because hes cute
or nice..but because God put that in me, he put that need
for his love. I know this. Im not a stupid girl anymore.
Im taking the time to allow garrett to grow up, hes still
young...younger than me at least and though he is smarter,
he still needs to grow in parts that I have already.
Brooklyn is a growth in his life right now. Shes 15 years
old, she doesnt know anything, shes a BABY like I said.

Goodness, Im crying.
Ive became such a girl since garrett has popped into my
life. But Im so happy. Hes broken that stronge hold image
ive tried to stick together.
Its funny how through a simple text he can read into it
and know something is wrong. He does that a lot, and he
begs until I tell him because he doesnt want me to hurt

If I could do anything, I would take back everything with
I would take it back in a heart beat.
I dont know if that would change a single thing, I do
believe it would. But I just wish I never did anything
with him.
I love the guy so much, but he wasnt worth...me.
I was so proud that it was with my bestfriend, that I
trusted and cared for him, that he felt the same.
But as I look back I feel it was all B.S.
I know its not true because I know eric.
But, in Gods eyes it wasnt what he hoped for..ever.

Im thinking about my eating disorder.
How its affected my life.
How right now im pissed at myself because I know ive
gained probably 10 pounds in these 3..4 days because Ive
ate so much, so much. And left so much in me.
I feel weak for that.
But I feel weaker knowing FOOD, NUMBERS, SIZES...control
I hate the world for that. I hate knowing I allowed myself
to get here.
Im so ashamed of this in my life.
Im ashamed Ive allowed my brain to convince me everything
this past year or two was ok.
Go to Parties rachel, Just drink a little, Laugh when your
friends do things you hate, Smile when people talk about
sex, Do things they say so youll fit in, That scale is
lying..your really 10 lbs more than it says..
thats been my brain.

(Sorry this is random..this is why I stay up so much
thinking..this is what im thinking..in detail?..maybe..to
me it is)

About two weeks ago at my other youth group the pastor was
talking about right and wrong, about freedom Jesus gives
He said "I know all of you have been at that point where
your heading somewhere knowing in your heart this is wrong
this is wrong this is wrong, what am I doing. But in your
head your making excuses to back it all up, your trying to
convince yourself that nothing will happen..though you
KNOW something will"
All I could think of was heading to the "love shack"
(house everyhting when down at that eric housesat) Every
time I did that. I knew I was heading striaght into the
fire but I CONVINCED. literally told myself itll be okay.
Or I even tried to blame others for this.
Seriously, reason for the first time having sex..was to
get mel back.
nice right...not really.
I hated that she had kept her loosing it to trevor from me
for months and yet so many people she barely knew, had
I wanted to show her how it felt to be lied to.
I was such a bitch.
Im sorry for that word..but I was.

I know this may sound completely wrong but how can I win
garretts heart back. I know I will sooner or later..but
what can I do to show him SHES 15! haha.
Ive done all I could.
I feel like at least.
Do I just need to be patient like God is saying?
Ive rushed way too much in my life, its time to just slow
down and live.
I have a great life.
I enjoy everything, sneaking into a water tower with my
friends at midnight with a crazy lady living RIGHT next to
it and cars passing by slowing down as were climbing
up..near heart attack as josh tells me not to move.
Walking the tracks late at night and looking at the stars.
Driving to the middle of no where ontop of a huge hill to
over look EVERYTHING.
Spending countless nights at big foot java with my friends
playing board games, sitting by the fire and talking about
Going to the park and playing frisbee, listening to music
or veiwing the water..just breathing in Gods beauty

...my life is such a blessing.
I forget sometimes.

That is my brain tonight.
Im offically tired and going to bed.
Tomorrow morning..garrett and I get to hang out, hopefully
I may sing for him..hes been begging me...my voice isnt
great, maybe God will suddlenly bless me with the lungs of
an angel hahaha.

and once again feedback would be wonderful..even a "hi" so
I know people read this bad boy :)