Constant: continuing without pause
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2009-09-21 07:22:45 (UTC)

Im trying to understand.

How to relax.
How to be patient.
How to trust God.

Its so difficult.

Shes a child! And im jealous, Im afraid of her!
Because Garrett likes her.
Which is unrealistic to me.
I dont get it at all.
Yet he continues to flirt.
Dont tell me, hes just a stupid boy.
You truly dont get him by reading my words.
He is, honestly is, perfect.

Im just doing what I can to calm down.
Im hanging out with garrett tomorrow hopefully.
I asked him tonight and he said okay.

Hes trying to make things better, he jokes around a lot and
goes along with my somewhat rude comments about her.
But tonight he went a bit far where I asked him to please stop.
Joking about having sex with her, Im about 98% sure he is
still a virgin, he sticks very close to his morals, unlike
stupid magee here.
That though, I am grateful for.
But him joking tonight just was like..haha..ok shut the F(#$ up!

Im not sure what else to say.
Im going on a diet this week...well..my kind of diet, you
all know about that.
Ive just been eating WAY too much.
And not getting the chance to throw it up, well most of it
at least.
please remember I AM NOT MY EATING DISORDER!.
Everything about it, is NOT who I am.
I have just been sucked into this and now my brain is messed
I do look at myself in clothes and say wow, Im beautiful
but then that mirror..it lies to me.
Its not as simple as you all think, if you have delt with a
ED you know..otherwise..no comments please.
Its NOT something I am proud of, its something I want
gone..but its just NOT that simple.
Mentally and physically not that simple.
I wish though.

Well...Im off to bed.
Goodnight and please keep me in you prayers.

Ive gotten messages before from readers just giving advice,
just chatting or letting me know someone is there for me.
What I really would enjoy is even if you just scanned by my
diaries that you message me, even if it just says "hi"
Cause its nice to know Im not just typing all this up and
leaving my profile "public" for no reason.
I like to know my secrets are out there, that im not held back.
That people took that time.
So even a simple hello would do.

Thanks :)

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