Beaglesangel

My Days...
2001-10-09 23:34:04 (UTC)

cry cry cry cry cry cry cry!

Me and marks friend had a row. He told me this sad story
of what bitchy things his gf is doing to him and made me
feel sorry for him and try and help him and then he
basically told me that it is all lies, he doesn't really
care about her, it is just a sex thing. Anywayz, he really
upset me, I shouted at him and then started to cry. I told
him how upset I was (we were talking on yahoo) and instead
of apologising said I'm nearly crying here coz I can't get
my point across and I need to sort my head out and then he
pissed off. I swear I just repel people instantly. Is it
my fault everyone hates me?! Is it my fault that everyone
wants to have a go at me about about something and make me
cry!? Is it my fault that I haven't got any friends?! I
deserve it anyway. This pain. I don't do enough for
people, I'm generous enough with my things. I get too
excited when I plan to go out...thats why people don't
invite me out. But if I never go out, it's not suprising
that I get excited. I want to get good marks in college so
I do all the work...that must work against me
somehow...everything does ('cept mark, he's worth living
for, although I'm not sure he'd care if I topped myself), I
must be too enthusiastic or just a sad bitch for wanting to
better myself and get a good education/career! God, I'm
such a sad bitch. I might as well kill myself. Nah, I
haven't even got the guts to that...that just proves how
pathetic I am...I'm too scared to take the easiest route
out! I think I need help. Any one know a "how to be a
half decent human being" course I can on or something? I
could really do with the help...at the moment I'm this
little piece of shit that doesn't even deserve to be in the
gutter. little piece of shit that isn't even good enough
for the flies to sit on...I even repel flies. My head
hurts. I miss Mark, he could make me feel better if he was
here. I'm shit at everything...imagine, a piece of shit
that is shit at stuff. I'm crap at college. I should be
getting A's...I'm getting B's....how the hell am I meant to
get into a good university with shitty marks like that?!
I'm a crap girlfriend aswell, all I ever do to Mark is
moan, I should do so much more for him, take his feelings
into consideration more, make him feel more wanted...shit
I'm bitch!! I'm a crap daughter...I swear my parents are
so disappointed in me, it seems I never do anything right
for them. I'm a shit friend...obviously coz I haven't got
any friends. I'm a shit employee...My boss is always
telling me I'm doing this wrong and that wrong...will I
ever get anything in my life right!? I doubt it. Anyway,
I understand that nobody wants to read things like this.
It's just boring for people who are not me...I know. They
don't care about the little goings on of my life,
especailly considering what is going on in Afganistan
tonight! and every night for a long time probably.
Shit...that just proves my selfishness...my problems seem
so trivial to everyone elses, the girls in college say I've
got a perfect life. I wish the whole world was happy and we
could just get aong. Just be friends. What is the need
for all this horribleness that is going on!! I hate it.