Dragon Eyes And Angel Wings
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2009-09-03 00:46:19 (UTC)

The Last Two Years.. and Last Night - AW

So a lot has changed in the last two years..
Dave and I broke up and I moved out..
I quit my job at the ophthalmologist's office..
I worked at a chiropractic office..
I date one of the chiropractors..
I broke up with the chiropractor..
I had my heart broken by a massage therapist who said he'd
never be able to be with me because when we met I had all
these guards and walls between us (but somehow he broke
through all of them and then said I was too dark on the
inside and he couldn't handle it)
I quit my job..
I started working for an oilfield
electrical/instrumentation company and have taken on the
job of two people (I'm the safety chick, the payroll chick,
the receptionist, the go to girl for any computer issues,
the only way for us to get paperwork from some of the guys,
and I take care of all the paperwork for one of our remote
I met a guy who doesn't understand how great he is. He's
been hurt so many times in so many ways and as soon as he
let his guard down with me, he pushed me as far away as he
could.. So he started dating another chick.. and didn't
bother to tell me.. and then yesterday was his birthday and
he came over to install a program onto my computer.. and
afterwards he pulled me on top of him to cuddle with him..
and somehow we ended up back in my room.. and when he was
done, he said "why can't I just keep all of you?" and I
said "sweetie.. you can" because apparently I'm stupid
enough to think he meant all of me.. not all of us.. and
then he left to party all night with his friends and ended
up at his girlfriend's house.. I feel so used every time I
see him because well basically I am being used. He called
me when his last girlfriend showed up high on drugs with
another guy and when I said I couldn't give him any advice
because I was very biased about the situation he said he
knows and the reason he called is because I care about
him.. I hate that he uses my feelings against me like
that.. I'm stressed enough that my period has stopped again
(and yes I considered I might be pregnant.. but last night
when he was over it started while he was here and stopped
again.. it's done this to me before but usually it'll just
play like that until I have sex and then I'll be relaxed
enough that it'll go back to normal.. but not this time..)

So here I am.. living in an apartment alone.. not being
able to have a relationship with anyone because I'm having
my heart repeatedly trampled over because I can see the
good in someone who wants to hurt everyone before they hurt
him.. and although I love my job, sometimes it gets a
little overwhelming.. I just feel kind of lost sometimes..