Middle Child

Listen. Don't Speak.
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2009-08-30 16:45:12 (UTC)


I've been hesitant to write in here for the past 2 days now.
Writing in here helps me feel better, but I dislike
remembering and expressing my emotions- I just want to
suppress them.

Here goes..

My friends are putting me down and it's effecting me

These girls like to go out and hunt for guys. I do too as
well, but not the extent that I forget all my morals and
values to attract and keep a guy. Mind you, sleeping with a
guy doesn't assure anything! I know this.

Apparently they've been talking shit behind my back because
I'm not like them. I'm angry about this. They come into my
home, eat my food, greet my parents with a smile of
serenity. All a lie.

Last night we planned an evening out with a bunch of girls.
A lot of people backed out last minute, including myself.
Turns out it was only them two who went, so they invited two
other guys.

A part of me was happy that I didn't go because I know how
they are; they drink like fishes, dance all crazy. Don't get
me wrong, clubbing involves you to drink and dance but
drinking to the point where you forget what happened that
night? I disagree with this type of behaviour and I don't
promote it, nor do I take part in this. When I do go out I
have a drink which usually consists of fruit juice and
alcohol. Sometimes I nurse the drink all night!

Yesterday was Day 1 of getting away from my group. My buddy
Danny left months ago and I am soon to follow.

This one girl bought me down during the school year. We
would go to the library and she was nothing but a
distraction! I remember telling my mother that it bothers me
because she doesn't have the motivation to succeed and she's
just always around me! I want my time alone, but she was
just always beside me. Sometimes I would have plans to skip
lecture to go home early, eat and then go to the library. I
don't know how many times she interfered.
But you know what, I'm not going to blame her for all this
because it's also my fault for allowing this to happen. I
had complete control of this situation and I let it happen.

I can't have this anymore!

I'm looking forward to the school year, where I'll be busy
with 2 volunteer placements and full-time courses.

Another thing I want to mention about friends...
I've been talking to this guy and I really hope that we stay
friends. He's a great guy who can help me grow
intellectually. A friend of mine once said, " Keep friends
who help you grow."

I really really really hope a great friendship between him
and I are in the works. He's great.

My group of friends are holding my back mentally,
intellectually and also psychologically and slowing down my
maturity rate. I've mentioned this to my mother and her
advice was, "... but they are good people." So all this time
I kept reminding myself this.

Her advice doesn't suffice.

I do not want to be a single mother with kids. I do not want
to take years to finish my education. I do not want unhappy
for the rest of my life. I do not want to be around
miserable, poor, dirty people.

I want to be loved. I wanted to get married. I want to
graduate. I want a career job. I want to purchase my own car
and home. I want to be independent!