All that is
Ad 2:
2009-08-05 04:47:33 (UTC)


dreamt of ben last night. not the most recent of the bens,
the second one in. the actor ben that is.

really weird too as i hadnt thought of him in a
while...well actually i would be lying - i have thought of
him. googled him too. but nothing dramatic has happened so
not sure. added him on fcbk, even though he hasnt added me
back. maybe that has something to do with something.
dunno. but basically in this dream i was staying with a
family i think and they had 3 kids. from like 12 to twenty
something (ben was the oldest) they all show me their
rooms and ben shows me his, and its weird. and towards the
end of the dream, i'm in ben's room and im on his bunk bed
at the top and our hands start touching and we start
getting closer to eachother. and we eventually just were
about to kiss i think. we didnt actually kiss but our
bodies were close. and it was nice. havent felt that in a
while actually. even though it was a dream. havent felt
that kind of attraction - i mean with ben anderson its
different i realise. its very erotic. and that's all to
it. but this feeling was that too, but was also
emotionally fuelled aswell. like i wanted to be close to
him in another way or better put, i felt able to be close
to him in an emotional way. don't know. dont know if this
dream had anything to do with ben anderson, and im
probably silly for thinking so, but its just funny that i
should have a dream about a 'ben' right? wondering what my
subconscious is trying to say... good or bad sign? then
again its probably just an isolated dream.

can't wait to study these electives. im interested in 'sex
and language' dreams desire and the unconscious,
and 'transgression' really interested in these topics and
want to try all out. but we can only pick one. out of 32
as well. quite a choice! i think i'll go with sex and
language or dreams desire and the unconscious. think ill
just attend several anyway, which ever ones interest me.

so ive been avoiding this i think. writing about it i
mean. ben and me. anderson i mean. like we've been texting
like hot and heavy now. we've been emailing eachother
(nothing conversational or considerate, nothing that shows
his interest in me or my day or anything) just been
sending pictures to eachother. kinda revealing. whatever.
he's seen it all before on me anyway. find myself taking
pictures of me, almost in the buff. he'll text me saying i
want to see a front view. ill send a soft pic of me in my
bra and undies. he'll tb saying can't wait to see that on
top of me, but we said topless..then you'll really have
something to see. i hate that he's in control like that,
and so unabashedly using me as a sex tool in such an
obvious way. but i also like it. its a turn on even. not
only that but it almost feels as if im fulfulling some
kind of self calling. almost like it was with declan. i
can't explain it. so i do as he's asked. i send one of me
semi topless. my hands are covering my nipples but he'd be
able to see the bulge of my boobs beneath. it looks
scrumptous. i know he'll like it and he does. so he sends
one of himself to me in return, showing me what my picture
is doing to him. that revvs me up even more. i become more
daring. more hungry. more generous...or greedy, depending
on how you look at it. i send another with one of my boobs
on show, a hand place on top, and the other hand on my
knickers with a few fingers inside my undies. that should
do it, i think. and it does. he responds sending me a pic
of him on his bed, cock in hand, hard. doing the
obviously, clearly. (in all honesty, i prefer subtlty and
imagination to obviousness and starkness. i think
imagination and the unknown or the unseen has a huge part
to play in eroticism and arousal [for me, anyway] - the
thought of the unknown. mystery. the moments before sex or
sexual acts start are actually more erotic and enjoyable
than the actual moments themselves i think. again, might
be just me. and im still young so what do i know? so my
point is that i would have preferred to see his great big
erection through his shorts. its much sexier than actually
seeing it. but him being a man and all, and appyling his
erotic preferences to me he sent me one of just that.
regardless of me saying in my message i want to see how
hard you are through your shorts. he replied i sent you
what you wanted to see, but without the shorts... As if i
should be blown away. his dick looked different to when i
saw it. hmmm.) then i sent another pic of me this time,
with me hands deeper in my undies and my knicker pulled to
one side. i received no more pics from him (i guess he
must have thought "well ive just showed u my cock, it
doesnt get better than that") but several very graphic
texts, which meant he was really horny, probably wanking.
then i sent a text to say go to your bathroom mirror and
take it, and he replied sayin "i need to get hard again"
apparently i didnt understand (thought he just died down,
but come to think of it, he had obviously shot a load off)
so i replied saying no problem along with someother pic.
and he said his flat mate was back, which obviously
meant "fun over" he had got what he wanted clearly. he's
not horny anymore. im of no use anymore. asshole. still
ill go back for more though. i texted back sayin "have you
got webcam?" which to a horny male, would be like water to
desert travellers, he replied sayin "yeah on my laptop,
but my flat mates are back. maybe later x" that was that.
he'd obvioiusly wanked off. bastard.
that was yesterday. not heard from him today. i wont text
him. he can do it. if im strong enough, the next time he
does, ill ignore it. or shall i actually, ignore him
untill i get back. cos i dont believe that he'll forget
about me or let me go that easily, especially now we've
exchanged some pics. from the way we've sounded, some very
very dirty play looks certain. and he wont turn that away.
not after what he's seen. even if its just for sex. but
sex is a powerful tool. its all ive got with him so i'll
have to use it wisely. i guess im talking about taking
advantage of his wanting to fuck me so badly. i hate him.
he doesnt like me. and i want him. i

its like with declan. i can't explain how it is with me. i
liked it, and i hated it, but i like it. the self
destructiveness of it felt good. a bit like i was giving
myself what i deserved. punishing myself for not being
perfect or enough or perfect enough for them. i really
like it in a way. it feels self satisfying. then after i'm
disgusted by them, well not disgusted. my feelings for
them just turn more sour. i loose respect for them. but
yet i still go to them. i dont get it.

still getting the answers. still putting things together.
its clear now i should do sex and language.
its also clearer how what happened is affecting or has
affected my relationship with men. my "romantic"
relationship with men is fucked. its unhealthy, damaging,
obsessive, self destructive..

will i ever