O.

Constant: continuing without pause
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Ezoic
2009-08-03 06:33:21 (UTC)

Im going to admit a big one.

This is something ONLY two people in the world know about.
These two people arent even close to me anymore, but they
hold my secret.

I have been dealing with anorexia/bulimia for about 2.5
years now.
It started off only as a diet.
STUPID idea girls.
Once that weight starts falling off, youre afraid to eat
because your body is thriving for food at this point. Your
weight starts to come back fast.
..Thats how my bulimia caved in.

I promised myself in the beginning I was only going to get
to a good weight and stop. I did lose a good amount.
I started out as 148lbs.
I was not FAT..I was a curvy size 9 girl who one day woke up and
saw nothing but fat that needed to go away.
It was when caleb and I were still dating.
We had went to a water park and the girls we met up there
kept complaining about their weight..they were maybe 115 at
the most.
I was what they considered "cute chub"
I didnt like it.
From then on..it all went crashing down.
My lowest happened when my brother left to join the airforce.
I had started online school.
No one would know.
I got down to 108.5.
Lowest I ever was.
Not pretty.
No boobs..I went from nearly a 34 D to a 32 B...VERY small
B. (which now is a small C due to weight gain..but they are
saggy..not pretty still)
I could slide and have a space still in a size 0 jeans..xs
tees were big.
My mom knew something was up one day when I put a shirt on
and told her I loved it.
She looked at me with the saddest look in her eyes.
I started to eat.
Those 0's got tight.
I had to get rid of that weight...I threw up for the first
time. A PIECE of a pickle.
I swore..never again.
I lied.
Its been over a year now and ive tried TRIED to get
better..it only makes me sadder.
Im at around 126lbs now.
Size 3-4 jeans.
Medium Tees.
I feel FAT.
Half of me.."stop eating"
other half.."Im so sick..I want MY life back"

..Im worried people will leave me
The comments I hear now "You were the chubester"
"I was looking at pictures..back when you were fat"
...they lied to me then.
I dont want to be lied to again.
I dont want to look like that again.
but Im not happy.
with my eating life that is.

I throw EVERYTHING up.
Sometimes I eat little things.
To let people see "i do eat!"
..I do..but not for long.

Bulimia is disgusting
I want it gone

Anorexia to me is still better..you eat..VERY little..but
you eat.

I dont want to die from this.
I pray EVERY night asking God to still love me, to help me.
But I do tell him im going to break his heart again tomorrow.
I never fail to keep that promise.

...One day I keep saying.

One day.


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