Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
2009-07-21 00:28:34 (UTC)

Gym Day 8 and 9

Didn't go on Day 8.

Went today, Day 9, and wonder why I bothered. I sort of
flaked out. Was all impressed with myself because busted
out of work fast, got home by five thirty, listened
to/watched a sports broadcast about Roy Halladay for a few
minutes while I packed up my gym back (did laundry last
night and didn't get it ready in time for this morning)
and left promptly at 6 p.m. to head to the gym.

It was busier than I thought it would be, though being
Monday night, I should have suspected it would be that
way. So I went on the treadmill for a whopping fifteen
minutes, then decided to do the elliptical. My toes went
a little bit numb and while I nominally lasted 18 minutes,
there were lots of stops in there.

So really, I'm not writing home about too much of this.
It sucked and that's all I am going to say about it. It
could have bene so good and I'm upset with myself but I
guess that's unproductive, so I'll try to stop.

I got really down in the changeroom afterwards. Really
down. Very depressed. So I went and stuffed my face
afterwards. Great. I'm wondering why I care about even
trying because clearly I'm never going to get it right and
I'm never going to look like I want to, or feel like I
want to, or get to where I want to. Not in my body, not
in my mind (I am so down right now, I can't understand
anything about why I should try, because clearly I'm not
smart enough to get doing anything I want to), not in my
career, not in my personal life, not in anything.

I don't have a whole lot of good friends - or friends
period, any more - and those that I do have...I'm
frustrated with and somewhat annoyed with and I don't know
if it's me or them or what. I have no patience for
anything any more and I'm just really really depressed.

Whatever.

I'm going to go and try to sleep or clean my room first,
then sleep, or something. I wish I didn't feel like
this. I really don't like it. I'm trying to stave it
off, but it's not working and I, as usual, don't know what
to do or how to fix it. At all. Fuck it...just fuck it.
Whatever. Whatever! WHATEVER!!!

K2




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