Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
2009-07-15 02:09:41 (UTC)

Gym Day 3

So I did go to the gym tonight. It was not a spectacular
weights workout by any stretch and I whined enough that we
didn't do the stupid stepups with the weights (I should
not have whined and now I feel really bad), but at least I
went. Right? This is what this whole pact is about, is
it not? Not about being perfect, but about trying.

And I AM trying.

I'm just feeling a little bit down right now about several
things and finding it hard to find the positive. It's not
a seriously down feeling, just a low level sort of
depressive feeling of lethargy and apathy and disinterest
and lack of motivation. It's so frustrating to me. So
very frustrating to me.

I'm trying to watch the All-Star game tonight but I could
care less, really. I barely even saw Halladay and he's
the only reason I turned it on.

I feel like a mean bad person at the moment, and a bitchy
mean uncaring daughter. I don't think it's really true, I
just never really seem to get it right, not ever. I
really do care...you just never get a chance to see it.
And when I finally do show it, it occurs to me that the
people seeing how much I care might not understand how
much I care. It's a total catch-22.

People are pissing me off lately. Just the fact of their
existence. Nothing happened and nothing's gone on. I
just am irritated by the mere presence of people around me
at times, and this is one of them. Literally, saying my
name is all it takes to make me irritated (even less than
that sometimes!), and "interrupting" me while I'm doing
something utterly stupid and unimportant is enough to
throw me into a ridiculous rage. I mean truly, this is
ridiculous. Ridiculous!!! And I'm not even angry, that's
the stupidest thing. I just am annoyed and want to be
alone. And the very stupidest thing? When I'm alone, I
whine that I have no friends and I'm lonely. I love my
alone time, but sometimes when I'm in this mood the
problem is that I want it all on my schedule, my alone
time, my friend time, etc., and when I can't have friend
time when I want it, I get annoyed that I don't have more
friends so I can have my cake and eat it, too.

For instance...I avoided calling a certain friend tonight
because I only wanted to talk for two minutes and said
friend doesn't usually have the ability to do that, and I
always feel rude saying, Hi, I'm calling you, and I only
have two minutes, to fill my need here... (not said with
the "fill my need" part!). And said friend had a stupid
bad day in said friend's world and I didn't have the
energy or inclination to deal with the complaining and
whining I knew I'd hear again, after having heard it
throughout the day. Frankly, I don't care enough to hear
it again and again and again and I think that also makes
me a really bad friend. I'm crisised out, in some
respects, with this particular friend...my empathy seems
to have vanished, along with my sympathy and my caring
gene. It all makes me feel like a truly terrible friend,
one who is completely self-possessed and self-focussed.
Not the most flattering picture one can paint of oneself,
to be sure.

I'm having some issues tonight, it would seem. How
unfortunate! Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm supposed
to go out to dinner with my mom to a restaurant that is
taking part in a special summer festival. It should be
good. I hope it's good! I want to do something fun. I
hope we have an okay time. Sometimes I get nervous to
spend extended time alone with her, for various reasons
previously detailed in this diary.

I'm going to go now. I'm just getting warmed up,
but...I'm going to go and try to get some sleep.

Talk soon,

K2




Ad: