All that is
Ben text me yesterday night at 11.58 pm. just to say that
he'll be leaving for afghanistan a day early (plus was
still having sexy thoughts about me)ha so he's been
working like crazy. but he'll see me when he gets back.
although im disappointed that he's not going later on the
2nd of july like he said he might, and that i wont get to
see him again till he's back, and im wondering if saturday
night was something worth something.., it feels kinda good
to know that when he does get back, i wont be here. i said
i'd be going to nigeria 'soon'. for a 'few weeks'.
basically my text was: hey ben, so you;re leaving
tomorrow... i'll be walking around with an itch that only
you can scratch. damn. try and stay safe while you're out
there. ill be going to nigeria for a few weeks soon. xx
that was that. i saw the message late and so i txt back an
hr later. must have been asleep by then. though i doubt
it. he's like me, he never sleeps. but he didnt txt back
yet. not even to ask how long im going to nigeria for, or
when ill be back or what im going for... don't know how to
feel. if its just his style, or if he's just not that
interested in me. heck i know he's busy - and he tells me
that all the time 'ive been workng like mad etc' and i
have no choice but to believe it, but ill bet he'd have
text back his ex... dunno. He also has no pictures of
friends or family on his walls. not even in his room. i'll
have to ask him that.
my point here is this: He's going to afgha for 3 weeks
from tuesday the 23rd of june which actually ive just
realised is today. and he'll be back on the 14th of july.
i leave london on the 6th of july maybe, and am not back
until september. so from the time he gets back on july
14th to september 1st that's almost 2 months. a fucking
lot can happen in 2 months. what if he meets someone? i
told him im in nigeria on my txt cos i didnt want any
wahala like cant u come down to london? why not? blah
blah.. i dont know what ill do how ill feel about him
seeing some1 else. ive realised i dont really care if the
person im seeing sees some1, as long as they're there when
i want to see them. what does that say of me?
also my attitude will change when i go back to bristol cos
with my daddy there, my wants and desires, and impulses
pale into insignificance. what matters is what will make
him not loose his fucking mind. what matters is keeping
the peace. man i keep saying it. i have to break out of
this cycle. i think i have to become a little more selfish.
im already so, but in terms of social etc i have to do
that more. what do i want? and try not to confuse it with
what would he want?
and so i wont want ben that much anymore. i mean i will,
but ill be able to control it just by thinking about th
monster. like if i wanted to go to a party knowing the
work ill have to do to gt the courage to tell the monster
even if its nothing, will put me off. i think thats why i
cant get addicted to cigarettes. seriously someon who
smokes as much as me sometimes should be addicted. but im
not. ill go a whole 4 months and not have any. and not
even consider it. ill be fine. but when in london, when
he's not here, i'll have one, in my room, outside, chain
smoke it... the effect the monster has on me is enough to
curb nicotine addiction huh? funy but truem possibly its
even possible that its stronger that nicotine.
ben and i had sex the las time i was at his. funny story.
unpredictable. it was hot. talk more on it later. gotta
sleep mannnnnnnnnnnnnn. tutorial tomorrow at 2.15pm