still single

sick of all the sh*t
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2009-06-22 22:00:33 (UTC)

More than 5 years have passed...

How do I sum things up...I met my husband about 2 months
after my lst diary entry and ,of course he was a Marine,
(I love our military don't get me wrong-kudos to what they
have to endure)and things were great...He was supposed to
be a one night stand that lead to marriage in Vegas a
month later (August 16th, 03)I had my daughter Feb 29th
(yep leap day) in '04. I reallly didn't know if I wanted
another abortion or not. He was, of course only 21, so I
told him I didn't think he was ready for a family and I
was having bad withdrawels off my meds (I stopped because
of the pregnancy)...well things were okay for a few months
then he did a complete 180. He started doing meth and
becoming paranoid, delusional, verbally abusive...but I
decided I was 30 and F*ck it I was having this baby. Well
he got kicked out of the military for drugs (ended up in
the brig awhile while my daughter and I moved to central
California-bumfu*k California) to be near his family , he
said so they can help me...ends up he just wanted to F*ck
as many girls as possible and me being 4 hours away made
that easy for him. Once he moved back with me to central
CA it was on again off again until I couldn't take it
anymore and he moved in with a girl so I got the hell out
of dodge and moved to Las Vegas with my friend from High
School and her family. My daughter was almost 2 at the
time. I was so emotionally devastated from everything that
I couldn't even leave the house for 3 months...i didn't
have a job or meds(no $) but somehow I picked myself up,
got a job , got back on meds and got an apartment for my
daughter and I. Soon I got a MUCH better job and we moved
into a new 3 bedroom house...everything was
child support of course, because he is the steretypical
sperm donor, not father, but I was making enough for ends
to meet. Well about a year and a half later I started
hanging out with some people from work who would do Coke
on occasion...I would also do it occasionally but ended up
quitting my meds altogether(since apparently it can be
lethal for both-yeah like the coke wasn't enough)and went
full time buying about an 8 ball a day. Somehow managed to
still work until my doctor put me on disability for a
month because I became a bit paranoid and was worried
about losing my job...thinking everyone was against me
(although in retrospect some were)...well when the month
and a half of disability ended I couldn't bring myself
back top work...just never showed up again. I needed to
get away from the drugs so I moved in with my ex in-laws
in buttfuck cali again and could not find a job to save my
life...stopped coke but started doing meth...after 3
months I broke down and realized I needed to get the fuck
out again 9what a shitty mom, I had a breakdown over it)So
I told the whole family and my own about the drugs and I
couldn't do it and felt guilty for Gianna,so i moved in
with my mom (the psycho). That last about 1 month and as
of Jan 1st of this year('09) I have been off all drugs and
meds-except the occasional Klonopin for anxiety. My mom
kept accusing me of doing drugs even though I wasn't and
she lived in San diego where I'm from but where the cost
of living is too damn expensive for what jobs are willing
to pay, especially as a single parent with no financial
help...sooooo I came to Vegas for a week to visit the same
friends I lived with initially when I separated from my
husband, and in that one week I set up 3 job interviews
and got all 3 they agreed I could stay there as
long as I was the maid for the duration, and saved up
enough to get our own place(my daughter and I) again.
Somehow she is the best, most well behaved 5 year old,
with the biggest heart ever, and I wonder how that even
occured. I guess maybe I actually did something
hard as it is to make ends meet every month I wouldn't go
back and change things for anything in the world. Still no
child support of course. She visits Bumfuck CA where her
grandparents and her sperm donor live (who know has a
pregnant girlfriend...but I heard she left him recently.)
The good news(if there is any, to the drug use is that I
lost all my weight and am now a size 6 when I used to be a
13...I've kept it off for over 6 months(actually lost a
few more lbs. this past couple of weeks but it's due to
stress). We JUST got an apartment yesterday but my girl is
at her grandparents and still trying to figure out how to
get all my belongings out to my apartment...pretty much I
have an air mattress and our clothes...but they love my
daughter to pieces so I know they'll help. Who are they to
judge anyway, when there grandson and son is such a
loser...I'll write more in the next entry(at work now)
about the guy I dated in the interim of my husband and I
being separated but prior to my initial move to Vegas, who
I also dated toward the end of last year...still not
having great luck with men, but honestly I am asked out
more now at age 35 than EVER...and I look good. My hair
(which I pulled out completely including my eyebrows,
while on meth in December last year, has almost grown
completely back except a bald spot in the
back...Trichotillomania-damn that disorder....well I
welcome any comments and now I'm on a "spiritual "kick-
reading all types of metaphysical books like law of
vibrational energy and laws of attraction, etc...trying to
keep motivated and positive without drugs...also will need
to update on the job situation next time...sheeeeesh
Take Care