Cowgirl_Mom

OMG, I let another year get by...

I went back and read my last entry (thanks to a response,
thank you M~) and realized that that part of things really
hasn't changed much.

Had a bit of a squabble tonight, sucks to be the night
before father's day for him, and it's the same old
crappola. Then he gets pissed, I get to crying, and he
gets to being done talking. Whatever else is new!

If anyone is actually reading this, here goes. Last year,
on August 10, 2008, my oldest (half) brother took his own
life (carbon monoxide poisoning). The whole situation
sucked. He did it in their brand new house, blamed God for
not believing in him through his faults, and set it up for
his common-law daughter-in-law and 9-yr-old biological
daughter to find him. Dealt with the fall-out from that
(the eternally strong one....his wife even accused me of
not loving him because I was being too stoic).

September 2008 brought on an overdue court date for
modification of my child support order with my ex-husband
for our then 10 year old son. I played nice, as always,
even after I received the news that the booger had been
shorting us for the last 8 years and his child support was
doubled. That was my mistake, and now his medical support
is nearly the $5,000.00 mark in what he owes!

October 2008 gave us another set of news. It turns out
that my healthy, almost 5 foot tall, nearly 11 year old
son, has a really rare heart defect. It is called a double
aortic arch, and will require surgery, sooner or later,
but can be put off so long as he is asymptomatic but here
inlies the trick question, how do we know if he is
symptomatic or not?

December 6, 2008, brought me to my knees, literally. I had
yet another brother (this time full) that had taken his
own life. He posted his note on MySpace on December 4,
friends attempted contact for two days, and found his body
on the morning of December 6. He shot himself in the head
with our grandfather's pistol, in our grandparents' home,
where he was living at the time.

March 12, 2009, Tyler had his surgery to correct his
defect. There are complications, and he goes back to
surgery two days later. He is not released from the
hospital until March 22, and back to school April 1.

March 30, 2009, husband goes into hospital for full hip
replacement from bad car accident 16 years prior. He is
released April 2. I go back to work the same week.

Early May, 2009, I discover that I am missing not just
one, but two paychecks from my part-time job. Confront the
director, discover that she doesn't have the money to pay
me, and she thinks that I have been 'depressed', and not
really have my heart in things, oh, and when my son had
complications in the hospital, I led her on when I just
told her what the doctors told me, as I was told. I quit.

June 2009, summer starts, as do the AD/HD antics. But
before I can focus on that, Mom has filed for bankruptcy
and I am attending her hearing with the US trustee. It
does not go as well as expected. We are trying to find a
way to change or dismiss the filing.

It is still June, and tonight, I actually questioned my
own will to live. This does not bode well for me. There
are too many people depending on me to be structured,
sane, human, strong, here. I have to find my way out of
his hole, and fast!!!

Hey, M~~~ if you are reading this, your diary was set to
private, so sorry it took so long to respond to your msg,
I just today read it. Leave me a msg and I shall respond.