All that is
Ad 2:
2009-06-13 19:39:15 (UTC)

it's back on?

Where he's blunt and care-free, and open, im more reserved
and cautious and private....

today, i received a text from ben anderson - saying hey
trouble? have you decided if your gonna make it up to me?
lol.........or something along those lines. How
surprising. i really was not expecting that at all. in
fact i believe i had just gotten onto the road to
recovery..still fantasisng about him, but i was on that
road i think. and then, blast from the past. it was only
two weeks but it seemed like such a while. it was weird.
and then thought like wow, in a minute everything changed.
we're back on! i thought, and then i go and fuck it up.
literally in 2 minutes flat, i manage to fuck up what
might have gone different and possibly better...

im a little irritated by this sudden change in tone, since
the last time we spoke, he was monotonic and cold. then he
comes along now and is all jolly and he never uses 'LOL'
in his messages. i would knw because we'd sent over 50
messages to eachother in the few days we knew one another.
and this just seemed to me like i was a plan b or he was
feeling bored or lonely. then out of irritation on and
pride perhaps, my reply wasnt exactly bright (but what did
he expect) and i replied sayin " hello stranger... the
problem is my memory is a little hazy so i might find it
hard to remember your face........ how do we fix that?

then he didnt text back for ages, and i started freaking
out like shit shit shit shit fuck fuck fuck thinking i was
rude etc. i was freaking out like coz he didnt reply for
ages and i was thinking god, ive just ruined it!! flat out
fucked it rite up!! i was so livid! and this time it would
definately be my fault. i was thinking god, i was the one
who upset him the first time round, and now, he's extended
an olive branch (again, another clear example of my
daddy's affects on me - making excuses and bending over
backwards and being the one to accept the blame and make
the comprimise)and i kind of take the piss.... so now i
panic like fuck and i say fuck it, go and buy some credit
and i call his phone, but it goes straight to answer
phone, doesnt even ring..not sure what that means. then im
like im in even more shit than beore cos now, not only
have i text him twice (i text him a second time
saying 'plus i remember telling you that i'd get you
something. something organic... :) x" and that was to
soften the tone a little after i realised that my first
one might have been a little cold.) but ive also called
him, and its a missed - i didnt leave a message so i dont
know if it registered...god willing no. well he didnt txt
back for another 3 hrs during part of which was agonising
and part of which i was asleep. but then lo and behold, i
woke up to find the txt. saying "well i guess we have to
try again... this and that.." which was a nice thing to
wake up to.. haha. so now im okay. i can watch greys
anatomy or any show with relationships etc, (i hope) with
a good mind, and i can watch his vids online, without
feeling like crap too.. but its early days yet (all over
again) he's just come back from monte carlo 'where he
didnt win an award..' says he. but then he seems colder
this time around. like he doesnt respect me anymore, or
he's pissed at me still or sees now that we dont have a
long term, and so isnt going to bother being that nice or
make an effort. like he wants to get some sex outta me,
thats it. but until we meet. we'll see. like when i text
him saying i was going to suggest the cinema, but i
remember u saying u dont like it, so late coffe? then he
replied saying: " i like cinemas. im visiting family today
and wont be back till late." that's pretty cold. no how
about tomorrow...? or anything like that. i didnt text
back. ill wait for him to do it or ill do it this evening
later on. but until then...... we'll see.
if i did see him again, i would be really open and honest
with him. physically aswell. i think i'll drink a little
first though.. gosh yeh.