All that is
Ad 2:
2009-06-12 18:20:02 (UTC)

architecture buffs

Im like putty in the hands of any guy that pays me any
attention. any guy. any attention.

like yesterday at the baade/basso party. there were 3 guys
there who i had my eyes on - 2 in second yr and one in
third. two in second, yr were al, ck, and the third yr
which was the one i particulary liked was roddy. it was
like i was sifting through them all trying to gauge their
level of interest (if any,) towards me to see if i should
even spend time on them at all. first it was ck, he's
indian i think but he looks like he could be latino - has
the stranges most striking eyes, that are blue, god knows
why.. and the most lucious lips ive probably ever seen on
a guy. seriously though. coz usually asians have lips that
are quite thin. but his were just full as. so in short he
was pretty sexy. i tried to make eye contact and when our
eyes me his didnt linger. they just carried on like
normal. then to be sure i tried to make conversation and
that was stale and he left so i wenr to al. he actually
said hi first coz we kept bumping in to eachotehr and he
said "im sorry we keep bumping into eachother, what;s your
name?" we talked and i opened up to the possibility of
something more. but some girl walked by and he
immediatelty was like "hang on" and went to her and didnt
return, so there. guys that like u dont do that right?
lol. then i went to roddy (thanks to jack) and we were
leant against the wall just talking and the conversation
was good and he's parents lived in nigeria and sauidi!!!
and so we really clicked (or so i thoguht) and we were
talking for near an hour, and he was leaning in very close
and our knees kept touching(yea i sound so hihg school)
and our eyes kept lingering. and i definately felf some
chemistry and i thought i knew he felt it too, but then a
hiccup. i went to the loo, and then when i came back he
was in another room with another group of people, engaged
in this converstatio with this girl in particular, about
surfing and volley ball. i went to join in and it as time
passed (about 2-3 hrs they were talking..!) it became
obvious that he liked her. it was weird, like he was all
jokey with her, and with me, all serious. like in between
his hour long converstations with her, he would engage me
in a few mins of chatter, then return his attentions back
to her.. so obviously he was just being polite. then in
the end i kinda gave up. when it was about to 5, he kissed
me both cheeks goodbye and his friend too, they left
together. yes, with the girl too. ouch. it kinda hurt. i
was gutted yes, coz i thought there might have been
somehing there at first. but maybe my breath scared him
off lol. but still ouch. again i felt like i didnt have
that dazzle or spark that this other chick seemed to have

ive realised though that i keep trying to attract guys
with my physical appearance. its like thats all i rely on.
is it because i dont think i have much else to offer? i
mean i'll try and use my personality too, but more than
anything i try and use my looks. but i guess thats what
attracts them in first place, no? its just weird coz i see
other girls, other girls who i consider to me less
attractive than myself, and they all have like guys
talking to them and enjoying it, so they seem to have
something more than looks to sustain the guys interest.

I realise that i constantly change myself daily even o
suit a guy's likes and dislikes. so suit his personality.
ithink that another side effect of being controlled my
whole life. I never did anything for myself, always for
him. everything i did was defined by how he would feel
about it, or react towards it. and when i did something
against that, i tended to pay for it. now i see patterns
in my behaviour - eager to please - nothing has worth that
has been given through my own judgement,always through
others. Men particularly. For example, its not a co-
incidence that i dislike amanda, and seek amiritts advice
and approval. the value of the things i do or wear are
defined by the reactions of the guys im trying to impress.
My sense of self worth is made stronger or weaker by
whether or not i've impressed a guy i like. If i don't
feel i've made an impression on the guy im after, i feel
gutted. and not just normal gutted like aww, i didnt get
that guy who i liked, but more like depressed. i feel like
crying. like i have no substance or dazzle or spark. thats
the danger of dabbling with the possibilty of a
relationship - if i manage to get a guy, then ill feel
good. but if i seduce a guy and then they get to know me
like on one date, and then they loose interest in me, it
fucking canes. like they were drawn by the looks but i
didnt have what it took to hold them. like with ben..
thats why it was a bit hard for me to start getting over
him - its happening now, but for the first week or two, i
was in a state of depression, where nothing i did had any
point. which is crazy because it was only one date. but
it's not just one date, it was more like a personality
test. it made me feel like he didnt see anything worth
holding on to.. which hurt. it doesnt help that i already
felt that way before i met him, but then for someone to
come and re-affirm that is like a stamp saying all those
things u suspected is true. and some of the people that i
have told about it like alix, have said then dont bother
with him - but i can't. i feel like i have to work for
their approval. to impress them. in a way i like it. i've
gotten used to it because of my daddy - i suspect that i
like being guided as to how i should feel, what to do
next, all depending on how the person in question will
react. im still getting over ben. well i wouldnt say i was
getting over 'him' ok, maybe a little since he was a
catch, but more so, im getting over the hurt caused from
him just dropping me like that. i dont know if its because
he's 34 and doesnt have the time to mess about and so if
he see's something in someone then he wont bother with
them, (but thats the thing - if its true e wanna know what
he saw in me that made him not bother!!!). i realise now
that he was open, he wasnt into playing games - i think
once men reach that age 30's they are straight forward,
and tell u how they feel i guess. i just wish i knew that
before i met ben. and ben was like that, he was honest,
and open, and that is how i am truly, but fear would not
let me reciprocate that, with all u hear about how guys
like a bit of mystery and what not, i did the whole aloof
thing. and as a result i lost him, coz he said i was
giving him mixed signals all night. which was probably
true. but the on signals was me being honest and the off
was me being 'aloof'. great. well, that worked wonders
didnt it? if i had just been honest about how i felt -
even though it was all so fast, then maybe we would be
talking still, right now... he was kind and honest and he
put himself out there and was showd some degree of
vulnerability in saying how much he liked me and how i was
beautiful etc, and he didnt play games but i was exactly
what i dont like guys being. so here it is now. we're not
talking anymore. all i have is that one memory of that
night, and wistfulness of what could have been - from this
ive learnt a lesson, well i think, and its to be honest in
the way you feel about someone. yes, they say guys like a
bit of mystery but when u like someone, say "i don't play
games and i don't enjoy playing games. if i like someone,
they'll probably know about it.." it may not work for
twentysomethings, but hey? thats not my average age range
right?? haha) another thing that's making it hard for me
to get over ben is that he's my first date. like he's the
first guy i met who asked me out on a date after we met
once before. who took me out on a meal and paid etc. and
the first guy who was straight forward and didnt try shag
me the first meeting. he was a complete gentleman. so
finally had my first date, aged 19. how funny. though i
always thought that i'd have sex after i had my first
date. gosh, how things play out, right? but i know he wont
be the last, its just that i cant see how or when another
person as nice as him will come along... i sometimes
wonder if things might have been different if i'd had sex
with him. kinda wish i had. in the morning he was clearly
horny -he had a bit of a hard on , then said 'ill go have
a cold shower...' gosh, its turning me on just thinkin
abou that....... dont know.

but when i came home today i said to myself that i have to
stop doing that. that not abosolutely everybody u meet can
like you. you have to just be yourself, be consistent. be
one kind of person, and then some people who you meet will
not like you but others might love you. simple. problem is
im still waiting for the latter to happen.