blkdragon

grounded
2009-06-08 03:45:16 (UTC)

Keep talking, don't think

6/7/09– 11:28 pm?I met Nik/Keion and Cathy at Bombers Bar
and Grill, had 2 Gin and Tonics, made me realize how little
I actually drink and how much alcohol the bartender put into
my drinks. I was happy I was walking home, happy I had 4
hours to sober up before I needed to drive, I had enough
drinks to make hugging the ladies easy; usually it hurts me.
I plan to tell Nik that she has to host a fashion seminar
for Cathy, there needs to be a limit to what she should be
comfortable wearing, loved Nik’s hair and she applies her
make-up skillfully. I always have a good time talking with
Keion, I’d seen him earlier in the day, he showed me the
boxing gym; I’d planned to work on the heavy bag and didn’t
make it in there, I’d begun cramping during my exercise program.
Sheridan skated Thursday night, his Brother would come to
see him, he’d skate too close to me more than once; I would
leave early that night as well and that seemed to surprise
him. Anne doesn’t accompany Sheridan anymore, I’m sure
there’s a reason for that, I think he wanted to discuss the
advertising he wanted to do for me; I’m not feeding into his
offhand advances. David and his woman skated, he actually
spends time with her now, he asked me if I knew he’d just
returned from Miami; apparently traveling makes him feel
important, can’t travel if you’re broke or can you?
I probably skate 25 miles on any given night, I’ll compute
my distance when I time myself on a complete circuit,
leisurely and fast. I had a close call (Saturday night) with
a driver that wasn’t paying attention, the car began
drifting into my lane, I had to hit the horn to awaken them
to the issue; I then increased my speed to stay away from
them. Had to detour from my route home, the street was
closed off because of a murder, some guy went to rob a store
and accidentally shot a customer; he slapped her in the head
with the gun and it discharged. There was a helicopter
searching for the culprit, I think he may still be at large,
there’s more of that type of crime on the way; it’s in
everyone’s best interests to act as though they don’t have
two nickels to rub together to make a dime, or run the risk
of being robbed. You can’t tell anyone that you’re broke if
you’re driving a luxury car, I’d make sure I had criminal
money, what you carry in case someone attempts to rob you;
enough to make them go away, $200's good as long as you’re
not driving a Benz! I learned, while growing up in Boston,
you better have money for someone robbing you; otherwise
you’ll have a stomping coming your way. Most robbers aren’t
solitary, those that are pack (weapons) heat, they really
aren’t the ones to toy with; solitary criminals are
operating from a point of perceived desperation!
While at Love’s, he asked if I’d spoken with Joshua, I told
him that I wasn’t planning to call and that he hadn’t called
me; I’m merely dealing with how I happen to be feeling on a
regular basis. What I’m going through with Joshua merely
adds a combustible to an already unstable flame, I’m telling
myself that God only tests those with indomitable character,
that I can’t fail this test of faith; that I have to endure
whatever befalls me with hope for tomorrow and it isn’t easy
by any stretch of the imagination.
I’m planning a driver’s education course to remove the
points from a speeding ticket, the possibility exists that I
took too long to handle it, carrying felonious charges on my
record doesn’t bode well for my employment options; I’m
planning to apply with the Center for Disability Services.
Hopefully the 5 hour class will remove the points to get me
closer to driving for a living, I can handle $12ph, possibly
limo driving on the weekends.
I hadn’t bothered with my email since last Wednesday, proof
that I don’t get much in the way of important mail by way of
the web. I was going to send a copy of the email I received
from Joshua to Nicole, already sent it to Lynne, I didn’t
send it to Nicole though; I read it again and it still grips
my heart. I’m hoping to get past the curiosity, I may never
know what happened between my Son and I, no matter how I
try; I can’t for the life of me imagine what I could
possibly have done for his response and I can no longer
punish myself for implied infractions. It seems Joshua felt
this way when I sensed he was in trouble and sent him money,
had I felt whatever way he seems to suggest, I wouldn’t have
accepted the help of anyone I’d believed done me an
injustice; I’d have thanked them and declined their offer.
I actually feel as though someone has knocked the air from
me, to imagine that I could do anything to merit this action
or response from either of my Sons, I have to let it go or
be destroyed by it; I’ll not allow my destruction to be the
end result of anyone’s intent. I’m apt to ask how either of
my Sons could ever overlook the sacrifices made on their
behalf, that would be selfish of me, I have no idea what
they’ve believed necessary to overcome in their efforts to
become men; I merely know what I’ve given, not what they’ve
endured. Perhaps the scales will balance someday, as the
night engulfs this one, things are not even; but I can close
my eyes and be thankful to have another breath or moment
left to regain what seems to be lost.





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