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2009-05-28 15:56:33 (UTC)

just a running e-mail

It has to be a little unreal how things work out and how
bad some of us feel day in and day out. It would be easier
if us humans were robots this way we didn't have to feel
others, seeing how painful things are when they are said I
rather be punched in the face that pain will not last as
the pain in the pit of the stomach and the heart. I want
to shut my feeling down completely I want to be a evil.
There are killers out there that have no remorse and they
continue to live a normal day, I stress so much there
isn't a day that doesn't go by I don't feel stressed about
everything. I must have been really bad in my past life
and I don't understand why I am continuously in pain it
hurts so bad I can't even cry to release. All this wasted
energy can't be good I have lived a normal up bring went
to school never had without but the moment I walked into
my elementary school pretty much I was teased and things
those kids said and did to me scared me for ever, I guess
that would explain why I always try to help others and
make people happy I give and give but nothing is
returned. The moment sometimes looks as it turning around
it doesn't happen and I am left with nothing, ok yes yes I
know I have a house which is something I should be happy
with but truly material things mean nothing if you can't
share them with anyone the joy and pleasure of having
something you accomplished not shared is pretty lonely.
They are many things I have going for me such as my health
my smart and morals in a matter of speaking) my family
which I love very much but no is listening I am really
hurting and screaming on the inside, everyone tells me I
am the only one that can change but what am I changing? I
work and don't live on the streets I am not a criminal and
I just don't know what else I need to change. I try very
hard to stay positive but that gets crushed the moment I
start to settle and except things the way the are things
get messy I can never win with anything. I really do feel
useless in this world, growing up I was nothing to my
peers they use to tell me I was stupid and would never
achieve anything just your typical Portuguese female. I
don't even know what that means anymore! I bet the odds I
busted my butt to get through college and university start
working for this company and wow I can't stay afloat I
always work really hard and I get no where with this role
is driving me crazy I truly need another job something
with less stress and that my brain is used to the full
potential. I really feel so lost in this world I do
believe that what doesn't break you makes you stronger but
how many more blows can someone for every one good thing I
have 100 bad things it is just to much for me to take. I
look around and see all this crazy thing and stupidiness I
wish people could see things the way I see things I
sometimes want to hide my face and never come outside
again. Things that are missing in my life would be
happiness I just don't want to settle but I want to be
happy and have challenges come at me good and bad I don't
want things handed to me but I also don't want to fight
for everything I should have, I just want that quiet life
with very little drama. Drama follows me I guess it
follows everyone but for god sake I can't hold on to a man
because I must be scary but DRAMA isn't afraid of me. I
am not a angry person I am someone who is sad and very
upset things I see in the world I don't watch the news so
I don't have to see what is out there and I try to live a
Christian life so why I am being tested? Why can't things
just be easy I use to be that person who wanted something
she would go after it and I would always get it. Now I
have trouble getting out of bed in the morning I just
don't understand there is a song I hear over and over
again to make me see things are good in this world. Things
in this world that I smile at, the laughter of kids, the
birds in the morning singing, early morning, I wish people
won't take things for granted as I don't know if people
out there realize how good they have things. If everyone
would treat others the way they would like to be treated
the world would be a better place. Questions I ask myself
daily is how can people be mean? How can you say one
things and mean something differentially, words can be
hurtful and wonderful all at the same time. It would be
better if we were mute this why the words were there. If I
see it right there in front of my face why can't others?
I would love for others to see it through my eyes and feel
how I feel for just a moment they would be much nicer. I
guess without pain we are not human but when you are in
physical pain you dye? What happens when you are in
mental pain? I guess you lose your mindÂ…and what is you
don't? Do you end up doing drugs? Do you end up trap in a
body of pain and a soul is lost? There has to be more out
there if I was famous I would have a lot of money to try
to make myself happy, I think the key for happiness is not
knowing anything stupid people are happy, smart people
know to much hence why they have higher suicide rates,
stupid people would know the fastest way to kill
themselves. I completely understand that time heals all
and there is always a silver lining or a light at the end
of the road but God my road is super long and it never
ends. I feel nothing so empty inside I think all day long
about things I shouldn't be thinking about, there are days
I am so anxiety I feel my stomach hurts and I can't eat
this is one diet I do not have to work at ever I could
easily lose 10 pounds in days just by being anxiety.
There are other days I want to ball my eyes out and eat
crazy amounts of potatoes chips I guess this is PMS I have
no idea. My guys friends are very good guys they are hard
working well in their world they are, but there are days I
would like to stab them with a knife one makes himself
higher then any other in the group with is crazy to me
why would you want to show your friends up like that, the
other is such a woman he just is to sensitive everything
is an issue or a problem and I think he is paranoid.
There is one friend I would really like to keep friends
with but I think his intension are incorrect he wants me
to be the mother of his children, truly I don't get it! I
will leave that one alone. I know have a good people
around me all the time with good intension well sometimes
I wonder but the loneness is heart wrenching. You know
what I can't stand is how people make me feel by doing
things that hurt when I did nothing wrong is unreal I will
accept what God gave me I will not accept what others have
provided me. I am broken and I am hurting if I die would
I be missed? Maybe my family but really you morn someone
for three days and your life continues so would I be
missed. People I miss my grandfather, my uncle, my dog,
Jenna the baby I never met I her because I didn't know her
I miss her. I am that type of person who will tell you
what she is feeling at all time it might take me a few
days, months etc. But I will and when I do it is to clear
the air.

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