Mrs_Goodbar28

Lyrics of a Soul
2009-05-25 18:21:28 (UTC)

Knocked Me Down

Here we go again! I finally get an out of state sanity break and in his loneliness, Wasalu begins to question everything. It's so sad that he can't seem to focus and find strength in the positive aspects of our relationship. Granted, I realize that this trip was bound to be a testament of what our relationship would become should he or I take a job that required one of us to relocate. However, I knew it would be over and before I knew it, I'd be back in his arms. I mean never before have I wanted a trip to end sooner than planned until now. I luv him soooo much but he just consumes himself with worry that it's going to end soon. No matter what I tell him. And he insists on me following my dreams, which is not an issue for me. But he doesn't seem to believe either of us can/should follow the other in support of their aspirations. And he's right. I wouldn't necesarily want to follow him to some college town so he could pursue his degree, but I also think it's worth us making plans to move to nearby cities if we want this to last/work.

And that's my belief: he wants this to end so he can pursue other relationships. He denies it every time I say so but in my heart of hearts, I know it's tru. It's the only reason he won't commit to planning a future with me. And I understand it's hard when u're not sure whut u want to do with ur life...I mean I'm in the exact same boat.

I, on the other hand, am willing to compromise because I've never had a love of my own. So I don't want to give it up already. I'm not ready to let go of something so dear and new to me. I mean we've only been together almost five months and I know it will get better or self destruct. But I can't quit until we both give 100% and if it doesn't work then, I can walk away knowing that we gave it our all. But as long as we're not giving it 100%, we can never say we really tried. And maybe he's just not ready for that. Maybe I expect too much but I know if he feels our relationship is empty then it's because he's not trying to fulfill it and put all of himself into it. I can't be the only one who is happy about who we are and what we mean to each other. I can't be the only one who shares good news and is constantly met with skepticism and doubt.

I wish he would believe in us...This all comes up b/c he wrote me a letter in my absence about my asking him to move with me should I get one of the jobs I'm interviewing for. He said he wouldn't feel comfortable in his financial state, which is undertandable but then went on this long rant about how lonely he always gets and how he takes blame for many of the problems in our relationship. I just think he needs to release all that negative energy and doubt and just let love take over. I know that he has it in him. Whenever I have an emotional break down, he's always there to hold and reassure me.

So we talked it out. I guess the most frustrating part about all of this is we're completely attached now. And even though he's hesitatant about committing to a future with me, niether of us wants to give up. I told him that it hurts our relationship when all he can think about is our seemingly inevitable breakup. Our love has to be enough to sustain him while I'm away and vice versa. So I'm definitely ready to go home and resume our little sweet love affair. But not til I knock out this interview tomorrow. One more day in NY and I'll be in Long Island with my homegirl, formerly known as The Angry One...to be continued.




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