All that is
Ad 2:
2009-05-02 06:03:39 (UTC)

hoxton sq and benedict (f)

Did he see something? Something he didn’t like? i don’t
know i was out tonight or last night i should say, seeing
as the sun is on its way up.. and i met this guy who i had
my eye on in Hoxton bar and grill... so long and short of
it is the conversation we were having inside the club was
good, spark filled etc. And i refrain from kissing him and
it seems to work. He seems to want more the more i with
hold.. and we touch and etc whilst in this club but don’t
kiss. So outside he’s walking me to my bus stop. And by
this point im usually used to being asked ‘what the plan
is?’ in other words ‘who’s place are we heading back
to...?’ and he doesn’t, instead he walks me back to my
stop and we chat and he starts saying ‘im inclined to ask
you out...but with you saying some other time to my
proposal for a kiss, i don’t know... and then this is
where i screw up... i say something like.. “but then
again..” which is cool, but then there is silence...and
i’m afraid my bus will come. So as usual i feel the need
to speed things up a little. U know, give it a little
budge. And i do, and that’s when everything goes
completely pear shaped... what i should have said is
this “i’d like for you to take me out/ask me out/i’d like
that...” but oh no, i say... “this is the part where you
ask me what i’m doing this weekend...” and then he
says “..is it...” ok, what are you doing this weekend? And
i tell him say im free Saturday, brick lane Sunday for
brunch.. then i say and you and he’s like im seeing my
sister tomorrow and my grandmother from wales on Sunday,
so my weekend is mad...” then thats it. after that he says
nothing else about meeting again. Then here on im kinda
desperate for some thing to happen. Im afraid that i;ve
screwed up and so i want the comfort of a kiss (plus the
whole night i had admittedly been aching to kiss him) so i
go for it. and it’s bloody amazing and he’s lips are soooo
soft anyways. My point is that he was more interested when
i didn’t give anything away. Not even a kiss. I was scared
i’d leave him and then he wouldn’t call me back and i
would have not got to kiss him... but after we start
getting a little more physical he doesn’t mention
anything else about meeting up.
I should have kept it P.G. but i always do this. I get
scared that they wont like me enough to call again, or
that they’ll say that they will but then they won’t, and
so i take .whatever affection i can get, while i can get
it. its all about self confidence. Believing that to them
you’re worth calling. But now ive fucked up totally. He’s
deffo not gonna call again. Well i’ve just text him now.
Again, its due to my fear and insecurity that he wont
call. So i feel i have to initiate something in order to
get a reaction. And then if i don’t get a reaction, i
definitely wont hear from him again. So thats that. But i
do feel alot better now ive sent the txt. Like there can
be space for closure. I hate to not be in the driving seat
in things like this. Which might be probably why its never