The Laughter Inside My Mind
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2009-04-25 15:08:06 (UTC)

I feel it kicking in

I woke up feeling just sad today, i hate these dreary days,
i was thinking about my one friends who passed away in Feb..

We met back in 2001 on the net in a yahoo chatroom for BBW's
(Big Beautiful Women)..We met in person and she was one of
the greatest people i ever met, she was like my friends here
at home, we shared secrets, we didn't judge each other, she
knew me like i knew myself..then she got sick with cancer, i
got to visit with her two more times..the last time was in
Feb when her family called me and told me she just had a
week left to live, i dropped everything and went to spend
four days with her, and i recall the last conversation her
and i had..i wanted time alone with her..after all i knew
this would be my last day with my dear friend before she was
taken away...we laughed a little and i told her i was sorry
that we didn't get to spend more time together while she was
better..and then we laughed a little about how retarded we
were on line and some of the stupid things that we did, then
she said to me " clo, don't don't anyone what i am about to
say, but i don't think i'm going to make it through the
night!, i asked her if she was ready to go and she said no,
but she didn't think she wold make it, i told her not to
give up the fight and that she'd be ok, she then made me
promise to show my mom her picture, so that my mom would
know who she was and when it was my mom's time to go, that
her and jules could meet up..i promised and we said our
good-byes and i kissed her and left the room..she died on
Feb 16th, that was one of the saddest days of my life..i
didn't go to her wake, i don't think i could have handled
that, i wanted to remember her days alive..when i went up
there in Jan, she didn't know i was coming, and we hadn't
seen each other in 5 years, so when she saw me, she broke
down and cried and i hugged her ever so tight and she said,
i never thought i'd see you again...i miss her so
today when i was really thinking of her, it made me mad that
GOD took her away..and that he is taking my mom away too..
See my mother is fighting small cell lung cancer and after
two years; it has spread to her back, stomach and her leg,
there is only one type of chemo that they can try because
she has already had the rest, and if it doesn't work, the
doctor anticipates 9 months left, how can one deal or even
prepare for that? my mother and i never had much of a
relationship while i was growing up, but i can't envision
her not here..what will i do? people say that i will go on,
that i have to, but it's not fair..damn it..i need to go
back to my therapist because this shit is hitting me all at
once and i don't think i can handle it on my own.i talk to
my friends and shit, but they all have their own
lives/problems and they can't nurture mine all the time..
Is it wrong to be angry at GOD? is it greedy of me? i wonder
if i should go to church to talk/yell at him or can i really
do that in the comfort of my own home? i feel like i am
drowning today, like i can't keep my head above the water
and i don't want to drown..oh how i want this day to be
cheerful..i don't like to feel sad, it clouds my i that abnormal? i feel like i am on the
outside looking in at my own life in slow motion..fuck me i
didn't want to get this down again..i hate crying..i hate
appearing to be happy on the inside and really feel like i
am dying on the inside..oh hear my anger GOD and help me
find a way to deal with it all...hmm, Johnie just got up,
time to put on a mom face and go cook pancakes..i'll try to
write more later promises

Much Love,