All that is
I know now why i slept with..
I know now why i slept with ben. self protection.
emotional protection. from past experiences, its sad but
true, but the feeling that my idea or fantasy of a 'first
love' was not coming, or would not come in the form of
these 'one-offs' i have, grew stronger and stronger. I
didnt't want to loose my virginity to someone who i was
emotionally attached to and then only to get dumped soon
after. no. it would hurt too much. and from past
experiences that's what tends to happen in my case. even
when i havent done
anything but kiss with them. no calls texts nothing. so it
had to be done recklessly. recklessly, but consciously. i
knew what i was doing that night. i didnt hesitate once.
nothing was pressured. this is the first time im referring
to the ben episode as 'loose my virginity'. i dont like
the term virginity. I dont like using it and i especially
dont like using it in reference to myself. i'm not sure if
i ever saw myself as a 'virgin'. maybe thats why the
decision was surprisingly easy. it wasnt so much a decison
though it was more like a flow chart.i also know that in
my case, the inevitability of investing true emotions in
someone is that nothing will come of it. they won't stick
around. And it hurts me that i can ask the question 'why
would they?' because i don't know. although i knew at the
back of my mind that it would most likely turn out like
this and i had prepared myself for that possibility.
but then now if im in anything resembling a relationship,
sex won't be a big deal. no heavy weight, or emotional
investments will be attached to it because i've gotten all
of that over and done with. it will just be 'sex'.
not 'first time sex'. i dont know. so then there. self
protection? does that really justify loosing
your virginity on what one would call a one nighter?
one more reason as to why i slept with him is i think that
in the back of my mind even though i dont like to say it,
is he was very, very hot. probably one of the hottest so
far. and he was the kind of guy who i would always want to
get with, but never got to because the attraction wasn't
mutual. but in this case it was mutual. very mutual. so i
may have jumped at the chance to get with someone as hot
as him. i think i also thought i'd like to have sex with
this guy. especially as i worked to get him. oh, the
things i do..