O.

Constant: continuing without pause
Ad 2:
2009-04-03 19:11:41 (UTC)

tramp

Im starting to get that feeling of that I am one.
Ive only slept with one guy. Numerous times though and I
plan to not sleep around when hes gone.
If at all not until im in a serious relationship..even then
its unsure.
I feel like this was all to "get it out of my system"
and now wait..like I planned.
Personally the tramp thing isnt what I felt or still
exactly do, Melanie is making me feel that way.
Shes suppose to be my bestfriend and it was hard enough
letting her know, but now that she does I hoped she would
stick by me and understand..it seemed she did until
yesterday. She sent me a text saying "Im sorry but if you
guys do this again when he gets back and ARENT dating Im
going to hate you! Not even kidding ha and being your best
friend your NOT gonna do this again unless its a committed
relationship ha good guy bestfriend or not im sorry"
I couldnt even reply. That hurt.
I know sleeping with eric isnt the best thing I could of
done, but I dont and never will regret it. Yes he is a good
guy yes he is my bestfriend those were factors in it but I
did it because I wanted to, and I felt if I were to loose
it to anyone it had to be someone I cared about, not a
relationship were it all seems peachy until sex and then he
screws me over. Dont even kid, thats how most relationships
end.
I just felt so hurt reading that text, ya she ment good
intentions shes looking out for me, but even with
the "ha"'s in it..it wasnt good enough.
"Im going to hate you!"
I cant even process in my mind to hate someone and for my
BESTFRIEND to say that...I dont even know.
How could that even cross her mind?!
Ive been through a hard time with her, rachel, terry,
rachelle all of them..and its all worked out..but now shes
saying this to me..
maybe rachel was right..awhile back I had problems with
melanie and i talked to her about it and she straight out
said "sometimes friendships, as much as you love them, have
to have an end sooner or later"
I dont want to loose her but its getting harder. I love
trevor and her but the more shes with him the more she is
him. and thats NOT my bestfriend. Eric and I have talked
about it, ryann and I have and my mom and I. We all have
seen a change in her and kind of sick of it.
Im not going to say I cant be friends with you as long as
you are with him because Im not stupid they WILL get
married..but if she keeps this up..I cant be as good of
friends with her. and the more I see it the better its
looking. She has caused problems in my life, not herself
but the affect she has on me has caused me to be someone Im
not at times. I give partial reasoning to loosing my
virginity on her as well. I felt left out. and it pushed me
more to wanting it.
I dont know, but as bad as this may sound. Now that eric is
leaving, I want to become pure again with God. I know I was
stupid and let go of God to case my worldly things and now
that its convieniet I go running back. But I am. Sometimes
its what you have to do, even if it looks bad on your part.
God is always waiting and doesnt care when you come
back..as long as you do. In a sense even though my sins
have been resting in erics arms he has shown me that. We
talk about God a lot, even though he is mormon, I believe
in his words a lot. Were on the same page most of the time.
and Ive even considered converting. BUT I feel christianity
is the truth..so I am being the scared little kitten and
not wanting to change from that. But Im tired of making it
a religion. Its my faith. and these next two years I want
to grow so deeply in love with God all over again. and be
able to hold my ground when eric comes back. I love him to
death and that will never change..but were friends, simple
as that.


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