EssentialSista

My Aphrodisiac
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2009-03-17 05:02:08 (UTC)

Lost

I would have entitled the entry, "Driving with no
destination in mind" but it's more like life has come to a
screeching halt. Plans for grad school fell through. Well,
I have one more application out there and I have yet to hear
back. So, clearly there is this big cloud of doubt that is
lingering over my head regarding that. It took me years to
give into applying to MFA programs, and when I do, I get
shot down.

My initial reaction to declination into the program had me
in a brief tantrum. I cried all of five minutes, took a
walk and then "got over it". But the reality? The reality
is that I haven't the slightest of what I want to do next.

I don't know where life is taking me. I go to work
everyday. Stay late most times, come home, may go for a
walk or workout, become glued to the internet, have a glass
of wine, smoke two cloves and go to bed and repeat it all
over again. Effing boring! Where the hell did the
excitement of life go? The random travels, romance (I only
have dreamed of that part), meeting cool folks, dancing to
my own rhythm, etc. If there is anything that I don't want
to do is look back on my life with a stream of Shoulda',
Coulda', Woulda's. That is definitely tragic.

I haven't been in a relationship in literally 3 years, I
haven't dated fa' real since...shit, uh...my last semester
of TSU. What, 2007? And he was crazy so I don't even know
if I should count that. I try dating sites and there's no
hope, going out and there is even less hope, old friends =
no hope. I mean, can a sista get shown some love every once
in a while? Is there something that is just that keenly
wrong with me? If so, what? It's not that I'm trying to
seek validation from anyone. It's just the desire for
companionship. Everybody needs love.

I just don't know anymore. Where is my zest for life?
Where is my niche? My soulmate? Passion? ME?

Anyhow, if you see any of it running around, let me know.
Cuz I surely feel like I've lost myself.

...I'm just blowin' in da' wind....


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