Torrance the Vamp

The Vamp's Mind
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2009-02-23 04:59:27 (UTC)

Protection

As we drove home friday, singing happily, it was dark.

On 169 where there's that random bridge there suddenly
appeared a cat.

It had been hit by a car.

I jerked the car to the side to avoid hitting it again
while me and my sister inhaled the largest breath of our
lives.

It was black and white, lying on it's side. Twitching or
trying to get up I wasn't sure, it's tail flailed wildly.

Dead silence.

"OMG" my sister says finally.

We observe someone pulling over.

"It's ok Claudia," I lie to her, "People are pulling over
to help it."

I look in my rear view mirror as I say this and observe
the still pulled over car and another car has just pulled
into it's driveway near the bridge.

"You sure?" my sister asks.

"Yes," I lie, "He'll be ok."

My sister remains silent for the rest of the ride as I go
back to singing along after a little while of silence.

The next day we drive past the bridge again.

I say, "See Claudia, he's not there anymore."

"They probably moved his dead body," she replies.

"No they took him to a vet, he's fine."

"No, yesterday the traffic didn't stop" (which is true)

So she concludes the cat has died.

Though I see that she is right the cat is probably dead my
attempts to keep her positive and not have this on her
mind has failed.

I still remember the duckling incident.

I still remember the german shepard story.

It still makes me want to cry.

My sister was too stubborn to be protected.

Was I wrong to try?

We are no longer children this is true. We should be able
to handle life's hard truths. Accept them and move on.
It's a dog eat dog world.

"Go outside and be a kid" I said to Evan, "It's what we
are anyway, absorb the vitamin D."

But I suppose we aren't anymore.

I'm not anymore.

I don't take that role anymore either.

I'm the protector.

And yet I want to "play" outside.

I want to build-a-bear.

I want to build forts and play with legos and play robots
and play games and not do my responsibilities and sleep
and live.

I'll never talk all smart/sophisticated like, I'll never
look the part, I'll never act the part.

I'll be me.

But I want to dream.

I want to sleep.

I want to cuddle.

I want you.

I want to cry.

I want to be loved and hugged and kissed and touched and
be told everything's going to be ok.

I want to be protected and supported.

I don't want to be alone.


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