Nick's Journal
2009-02-17 22:10:43 (UTC)

Days like today...

Tuesdays fucking suck anyhow. It's the only day of the week
where both Juli and I HAVE to be out of the house by 8.
This inevitably turns into a mad dash to take the dog for a
walk, fix his food, feed the rat and give him his medicine,
finish up all class preparations and eat breakfast/brush
teeth in the few morning hours we have. Usually we aren't
in bed until midnight any given night due to all the work we
have to finish for school anyhow.

This morning started out with my bleary eyes noticing
something unusual in the heating vent. It appeared as
though there were a laser coming out of it. I noticed the
red light was giving off an inordinate amount of heat and,
when Juli turned off the heat I noticed it recede. I don't
know what it is (and will undoubtedly find out for sure
quite soon) but I believe shit was about to burn down.

From that I went to class. UCC sucks anyhow, but what sucks
more than UCC is your crazed Advanced Real Estate partner
waiting for you in front of the classroom. My partner is
insane. Our project isn't due for another 2 months and he
already wants it all done. BEcause of him I spent a
beautiful President's Day inside drafting a 37 page ground
lease for his review. Why did I succumb to his crazed
pressures? because these same crazed students will go
behind your back to complain to the teacher if you don't
(yes it's true).

What was crazy was that this guy WASN'T EVEN IN MY UCC
CLASS!!! which means that he stalked me (god only knows how)
to wait for me in front of me. he caught me and insisted we
meet to discuss earlier than we were already to meet that
day (currently 6 pm before our class that evening).
"can you meet at noon?"
"why not?"
"because i have to go home and walk my dog."
he stared at me incredulously
"are you serious?"
i didn't like the confrontational turn this was taking and
decided to extricate myslf as soon as possible.
"yeah, we're meeting on thursday i can't do today cos i have
to work late." a lie but fuck this guy.
his eyes bulged.
"what? we have to meet soon to discuss!" but then he
conceded in anger, "fine. but definitely thursday then."

and then after 3 hours of class i had made the mistake of
meeting my career "advisor". he was obviously overbooked
and dear god was he confrontational.
his "advice" was.
"look you can't just expect jobs to come to you if you
i was clenching my teeth so tightly during this meeting that
i got a headache...i was about to punch him in teh face.

so then i came home and of course had one more problem to
deal with. my medical bills. i thought that my payment
plan would incorporate ALL MEDICAL BILLS that would come
from that source. big fucking mistake.
i was told i was 7 months delinquent on my account.
the lady was so confrontational it was unbelievable (my
guess is that she was getting a lot of people on her case
who couldn't pay). here is a snippet of what she said
before i lost it on her:
"look, we can't be responsible for your inability to keep
track of your bills."
my response was:
"i was told that my bills would fall into the payment plan,
why do you have to be such a FUCKING BITCH?!!"
to which she promptly hung up on me.

although it was a nice release of pent up frustration i felt
stuipd and childish the second i had done it. i had to call
her back obviously to sort out my payment plan now. it was
just too much. and as i was calling back i noticed htat my
dog (who had been insufferable up until i had let him out)
was very animated outside.
i ran out to find that he had destroyed one of the packages
left outside by the UPS man.
my mistake completely for letting him out before taking them
in. but jesus. that was just too much. i managed to take
what was left of the package (air filters for our air
filtration system) out of his mouth and couldn't even bring
myself to scold him. i just walked away (which was probably
punishment enough for him.)

i called the medical center back and thankfully got someone
else on the line. still insanely confrontational but i kept
my cool. finally wrapping that up i sat outside on my bench
and just watched my dog.

my head was throbbing. three confrontational encounters and
the day wasn't even half done!

sigh. the recession sucks. i can't find a job. i have so
much school debt hanging over my head like damocles sword.
sigh. it's days like today that i thank god i have this
online journal.

at least i can vent on it. i can write on it while
listening to allman brothers.

and in a way i don't even feel badly for myself. i mean i
feel badly for the people i tried to help during my
bankruptcy clnic. i feel badly for the peple who have lost
th eir homes and jobs. it just sucks. although i am just
dejected that i can't get a job with my degree i can only
imagine how horrible it must be if you're laid off from a
job when you have kids and a mortgage. that has to be
unbelievable. i can't compare to that.

my standard of living is already fucking low. i don't have
far to fall. but those who have a lot i just feel badly for
them. these are trying times. but now i just feel bad cos
i am trying to feel better about myself but putting myself
up on others misery.

i don't know. shit just sucks now. i'm trying my best to
go "above and beyond the call" but it is so fucking hard
when i'm barely keeping my head above water with all of the
added shit i deal with.

all i can really do is take a walk with my dog now and think
things over in my head. try to make the best of what i do
and try my best to go "above and beyond the call." i guess
working hard and doing really well in law school is just not

as my good friend ryguy always says, "don't forget where you
came from but don't let it cloud what you think you still
have to do to get where you're going." in other words,
you're not entitled to shit. work hard for it and hope you
get that opportunity.

which of course makes me happy to read malcolm gladwell. he
really lays it out in "outliers". he notes the insanity of
ivy leagues and how they "differentiate" between candidates.
all you have to be is "smart enough". i kjnow i'm i just need the opportunity to make an effect.
sad thing is that in these times you have to create those
opportunities...kind of leaves you at square one.

but this is only one day. there are many more to come. for
now it's time to walk my dog and just enjoy the simple fact
that i can walk my dog.