Mimi

All that is
Ad 2:
2009-02-14 14:42:13 (UTC)

pam you're a fucking idiot

Rite, the other day, i was at the library at school when i
randomly received a call from "jessica". jessica was
claiming to be Ben's girlfriend. ben as in ben adams
farrell, the dude i first had sex with.

she didnt sound too happy either. i asked hello? who is
this and she said " is this amaka?" and i said yes, and
she said this is jessica. as if she expected me to know
who 'jessica' was.. then she said "its jessica, ben's
girlfriend..." and at that point i thought "oh crap". then
i said i dont know who ben is, and i dont know who you
are.." (obviouslt the former of these claims wasnt true)
then she hung up... then she rang again with the same "its
jessica" - tone was if i knew her and had done her wrong
(which by this moment i had begin to suspect that i had..)
then she asked "why have you been texting him saying that
you're pregnant?" then i froze. i had no idea what to say
at that moment. i begin to think back - i definately
hadnt texted ben to say such a thing. i had joked about it
with pam like shall i start bombarding him with texts
saying im pregnant and so he cant escape me that easily...
but then i hadnet ever sent that text..or had i? did i
absent mindedly write a text then save it and then
accidently send it somehow on a different day, without
knowing..? it was possible. i thought shit. the girl rang
again and this time she was more unpleasant. she said "
are you being rude" when i answered her more sharply, and
then she said "bitch" and hung up. i thought this is gonna
get nasty. i rang pam as she was the only one who knew
about ben and was also the only one i had made that joke
to, and i recall her saying that i should give her his
number so that she could prank him and he'll never know
etc. well pam is not the most discreet of jokers or lyers
or any of those variations, so i wondered it must be her
who had let something slip. unless ben himself had gone to
his girl friend and said something stupid...which was
highly unlikely, so there i was. i rang pam and she
sounded normal and i asked her straight away what she had
said to ben or something and she claimed and feigned
ignorance. and well. she was like "are you crying?"
becuase i clearly sounded distressed. so i was left
puzzled confused, but secretly intrigued. excited - ben's
girlfriend was calling me, which meant that ben had still
thought of me and i had not completely dropped off his
radar, and i still had some kind of validity in his mind.
and that his girlfriend also viewed me as a threat?? i
found that secretly appealing. it was dangerous, our
secret was out. i had knowingly slept with another girl's
boyfriend, and we had been found out. we. i was his
partner in crime. someone else knew of our getting
together, which gave it more validity than it had had when
all in the know were just me and him and pam. i was the
other girl. how thrilling.

then i was outside and the girl rang again this time more
apologetically, saying something along the lines of " its
just that girls keep texting him and its ur number that
keeps coming up and i've been ringing girls all day i just
wanna find out whats going on and what he's playing at. at
that point i felt slightl happy that ben was not being
honest with his so-called girl friend. then she hung up
and then. pam rang and was like "maybe he told her" and i
was like "why would he tell his girl friend that?" then
she said i gotta go now.." then she hung up...
so i was on my way to boots when the same 'unknown number'
rang me and said hello? and it was pams voice, and then
she wouldnt speak and i was like "if this is you pam,
would you talk!?!" then she burst out laughing..

it was her all along.

I could not believe it. it wasnt her voice, so she had
gotten one of her friends to call me up. i had believed it
was ben's girl friend. i had wantedt to believe so and
enjoyed it. i liked it connotations that it brought about
in my mind. i know i had said to pam that i was over
ben,superficially maybe yes. but truly and honestly, how
can you (or someone as emotionally driven and sentimental
as myself, be completely over someone with whom i lost my
virginity to?)

and she should have known that. despite what i had said to
her. she should have been more careful about the topic. i
mean i had my first time on what was basically a one night
stand. i dont regret it, but its definately not something
i want being made light of, or worse a prank of. it was
insensitive and just a really nasty joke for her
satisfaction. i told her those things in confidence and
she goes and tells someone who i dont even know, my
business and they make a prank out of it.

its like she's missing a sensitivity chip or something.
has no idea when its not a joke anymore. i haven't spoken
to her since and according to elemchi "i should get over
it" and she "stiil finds it funny" and "won't apologize
anymore because the more i keep silent, then the less
sorry she feels"...

well if she still finds it funny and feels less sorry as
time goes, then she still doesn't understand why im
pissed, and frankly doesnt care why. according to her im
just being touchy. if thats the case she can fuck off.

i just walked home after that. cried like a baby as i
walked. slightly embarrasing. thing is i dont know exactly
what was so upsetting. it wasnt that pam would make it
into a joke, not that. that made me so angry still does,
but i wasnt crying cos of that. i think it opened a wound
that i was trying to supress. i honestly had just tried to
dowmplay the whole ben experience, as i know my potential
for depression and that if i let myself feel the sharp
edge of pity then there would be no end to it. and that
day i felt a bit of that. i was forced to face the fact
that i wasnt 'over it' the fact that i had lost my
virginity on a one night stand, and worst of all, that the
possibility and the small glimmer of hope that i still
existed in ben's mind, was squashed. it wasn't as if i
didnt know that i wasnt over him, i mean i did. but i had
done a good job of trying to supress it, but then i was
forced to face the truth quite brutally. it was like i
couldnt escape it. i had let myself be open to the
possibility of a reunion or SOMETHING with ben and then it
had been taken away from me. it was a joke. god i felt so
dumb. and to think that i was about to call ben and aske
him why his girlfried was ringing me and asking me why i
was telling her i was pregnant? what a fucking looney i
would have looked.

and another confession is this. when i took the pregnancy
test a week ago, and it came up as negative, obviously i
was relieved, but i was also strangely wistful. kind of
like "oh, okay.." like i wanted something with which to
remember ben... i know it sounds absurd, but thats what i
wanted. its awoken me to new realms. the thought of
carrying the child of your lover, or the person you love
is so exciting. that you're both bringing life into the
world together - what will they look like? which of your
features will they hold? i remember immediately after we
had sex without using protection, ben asked me "so do you
definately want to be an architect?" it was a random
question to ask considering the moment, but i
answered "yea, why?" and he said "just making sure you
dont want to become a mum in about a month..." it caught
me off guard.. and i felt slightly empty after that
comment. but i kind of laughed and answered "no i
definately wanna be an architect" and he said "good, coz
i'm not quite ready for little ones yet.." with the
mention of "little ones", it sounds stupid and probably
psychotic, but i got a rush. like at that moment it could
have been a possibility. that we could have a baby, me and
him. and that he's also thought of that.. even though he
said he's not ready.. like when i picture an image of me
and him walking around with him having a baby wrap swung
over his shoulder, bohemian style, i get butterflies maybe
even turned on. yep, i do find paternal instinct sexy.
incredibly sexy. that might explain a lot about me in
fact. so when the tests were negative, i was left feeling
empty i guess. like there was nothing that came of this
significant event. its still a turn on to think about.
i hate the internet and face book. it makes everything so
complicated. things that were once complicated enough as
they were now have other layers of complications. you
secretly long to know more about someone even if that
knowledge is superficial, you want that. but with that
knowledge comes anxiety and more questions, and it all
fuels your insecurity.


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