All that is
Ad 2:
2009-02-14 12:47:00 (UTC)

fuck me

rite, its the 14th of february, saturday. which means its
valentines day. the most depressing day out of the whole
yr for those who boy/girl-friendless. or just plain
lonely. so rite, through my uni, i got this speed dating
trip thing to go to paris (!!) for free aswell. but lo and
behold, i missed the fucking train. kit friend of ual was
the group leader and he did make it clear that everybody
should be there at 8 am. i woke up at 7.59.. so there. im
to blame. but the thing is rite, im starting to wonder if
i subconciously get in the way of such things like this. i
mean the same think happened with venice. its like i cant
imagine myself actually being there, and therefore, i
subconciously sabotage it. like i swear to god i did not
hear my alarm. even though i set two. one for 6.15 and one
for 6.00am. (but then again i did go to bed at 1 am..) but
really its strange, because i couldnt imagine myself going
to paris or venice (partly because through my daddy's eyes
it seems impossible, and i'm pretty certain that alot of
the times i cut myself short or dont live to my full
potential because i still kind of seek his approval,
before i feel like i can do something or make something
happen. i see things through his eyes, and i fucking hate
it. like how the hell did i not hear my fuckng alarm. its
like because of him, i wasnt even excited about the trip.
most people would be estatic but no, not me. i even looked
on it as a kind of chore. another thing is that well its a
speed dating thing and to be honest nobody would want a
speed date with me right? because of my face, and that
also is why i saw it as a chore.. i mean maybe it happened
for a reason like god made it so i wouldnt go, to protect
me from what might inevitably be a hurtful/humiliating
experience... i mean like such things but i wouldnt want
to go on a speed dating thing when i dont look my best and
frankly, i dont. and i'd be on a train back from paris,
still alone, the way i came. so maybe its supposed to be.
but i can only speculate, coz then again, who knows? so
here i am, alone in my room on valentines day, typing
away. whatever. it gives me solace. in a way im relieved.
i means i dont have to show my face. and its that bad. i
mean realistically who would look at me and be like yeh i
wanna date her... i had a massive whitehead by my mouth
(!!) this morning when i woke up. i tried to get rid of it
but the son of bitch wasn't going anywhere. not today at
least. so there i've missed another trip to go to some
iconic city that everybody dreams of going! i missed my
trip to venice for the same reasons also. my face. that
day it was in a terrible condition. it was peeling and
what not, and i just couldnt see how i was going to spend
a weekend with my classmates, with my face like that. so i
missed it. there. i really believe that i missed it
because deep down i really didnt want to go. i couldnt not
picture myself going, or on a flight to venice. like in my
daddy's eyes that's just impossible right?

so i went and had my blood test done yesterday, and the
results should come back by wednesday. and then it should
get sent o the dermatologist before saturday. and after i
get the ok from her, i can start my course of roaccutane.
supposed to be the miracle drug. so who knows in four
months all of this anguish could be something of the past?
but then again, my pessimism rears its head and i think -
" really, i cannot see myself being 'acne free'. its not
gonna happen... because i cant see that happening. my luck
is not that generous. and so. we'll see.

so things that i must get done:

send fashio styling to noriko

got material part of memorial project done

get a job!!!

practice isonometric drawing and technical drawing.

send email to paul architect person

do democracy essay!!!!

but hopefully, this is just a bad period in my life. maybe
the best is yet to come? in four months this could all be
a thing of the past, and who knows after that?
everybody says that i'm making that fact that i have spots
take over my life (pam is saying so) but really they have
no idea. none what so ever. enter my shoes, and they might
kill themselves. really. because i go through deep bouts
of depression, from which bounce out of quickly, but
always return to. i should get medals just for turning up
at uni. and having everybody so close to my face. i hate
mirrors. fucking hate them. so i dont go into shops that
often, since its filled with them. shoe stores especially.
i hate daylight! my blinds are always closed, and i only
ever feel comfortable in dim rooms, bars etc. i pull
better at night time, is no wonder. ha. i hate people
getting close to me. i wont sit terribly close to someone
in case they turn sideways and look at me. i hate people
looking at me in general. its horirble because you can
literally see their eyes moving around your face. and you
cant stop it. their eyes are just darting around.
generally i feel repulsive. its horrible. like my skin is
probably the cleanest thing ever, but it just feels dirty.
i'm becoming obsessed with cleanliness. when something is
not clean and it touches my face i freak out. i keep my
hands off my face, and when i go to sleep, i wipe my hands
first. i have become totally obsessive. and yes its taking
over my life, nothing else comes first. i mean i could
have probably caught my train today had it not been for
the imperative, and necessary extra 15mins spent on my
face. its such a mission. but i cant help it. and
honestly, if it were somebody else in my shoes, im sure
they would have chucked themselves under a bus by now. i
mean that. i mean i see people with bad skin, but they are
mainly boys. and i everybody feels differently and a bad
skin condition affects everybody badly, i will argue that
it is by far worse for girls than for boys. beauty in
girls is defined by good skin - i mean most people dont
realise this maybe becuase they don't have to and are
fortunate enough to have good skin, but the foundation of
a girls beauty starts with skin. really. you can be the
most stunning girl with perfect features but if your skin
is a mess, then it over powers your beauty. its like
having a beautifully deacorated room, but having a dirty
carpet, or unclean walls. they beauty of the interior
decor is concealed. so there. my sins have finally caught
up to me - i received an email from the school saying ive
missed over 50% of classes this term. thats shocking no?
but there thats the reason why. its easier sometimes to
stay in that face the world. but i have to go and explain
myself, and honestly, what do i say. i was thinking of
saying to amanda something along the lines of "i get
really depressed sometimes..." then she would ask why and
what would i say then? i don't like to admit to people
that my skin is the main issue, becaus it seems silly at
times. and they'll begin to notice it more perhaps. it's
like when someone is giving a speech, if they just go rite
out and do it, even if they screw up, you dont notice
much, but if they first of all tell you that they
are "very nervous", you end up looking for signs of their
nervousness and when they shake or stutter, it kind of
satisfies the expected. im not sure if that makes sense.
so i dont know what to say to them. i think ill speak to
amanda and she'll see that something is wrong anyways
because of my body language or some sort... after all did
study psychology.. but i dont know if they'll be
sypathetic. and i dont know if i want them to be.

its worse because i'm not overly ugly. i take pride in my
looks and so for someone who does, to have something like
this going on its like double it. its like worse because
from a far people check me out, but then when they get
close, their eyes suddenly drop.. and i've seen that
happening. and yes, it is worse than not being looked at
at all... at night time i tend to be checked out more, as
people cant see too clearly my face.. so that alone is
testimony. though i do wonder if my shallowness sometimes
clouds my views. like maybe i'm not giving people a
chance. im assuming that they'll see me the same way that
i would see someone who had what i have on my face.
because if im being honest, i find spotty skin rather
repulsive. and i kind of assume everybody else will too.

if by next yr, things dont look up and im still like this,
then thats it. i may well throw myself underneath a moving
train. or OD. seriously. the only thing keeping me from
loosing my sanity completely is hope. hopefulness for the
possibilty of something wonderful to come my way. and
thank god for hope. or i would have offed myself by now.
but how long can one wait?

i also cannot see myself having a boyfriend and being in
a "relationship" like other chicks. i really cannot
imagine that. again, through my daddy's eyes. and the
question is, will i subconciously stop that from
happening? i wonder what vibe people get from me. guys
especially. am i subconciously warding them off without
knowing? i read this thing the other day in you magazine.
was one of those quizzes that if you answer "yes" to most
of the questions asked, then you are so and so. and
apparantly i'm afraid of commitment. now i dont see how
that would be true because commitment is what i would love
to have. it explained that if you constantly fall for or
lean towards guys who clearly show no sign of commiting to
you e.g. guys who are already attached, who are 'players'
who obviously have other girls on the sidelines, then you
have a problem with commitment. so you skirt around your
issue of commitment by only going for guys who you know
might not or wont want to commit to you so you dont have
to do the same. and this opened my eyes. like its true
alot of the guys i've fallen for are or have been players,
or one offs who i've known deep down for sure, only want
to get into my pants. and i've chased them (briefly) and
to no avail.. and then i've let it go. have i done this
deliberately? and then there have been other guys who have
wanted to see me again, but whom i've just ignored or
refused or whatever. for example, gareth, victor,
uberti .... and. when someone shows genuine interest in
me, i tend to project my view of myself onto them i think.
and its not a positive view to be honest. and i think that
because they like me, they cant have too much going for
them.. its true. sad, but true. and i dont know how to fix
that. and also how can i continue to see someone? with my
face, it would be too much maintanance. which is probably
why i only go for guys who i can see for like one night
only, and never again... wow.

I did win this olympic seating competition thing which
means me and my group will be contracted to work over the
summer on designing the seats for the staduims. plus we
get paid and when i graduate, i'll have a possibility of a
job somewhere. plus references. plus experience!! so
there. alls not completely pear shaped. there's something
else to live for. at least till the summer.
it was weird the night they called us out "...the winner
is the heartbeat - group 3" ... oh my god! it was
unbelievable. im so happy. except when i told my daddy, he
didnt sound too excited. just "congratulations" and
then "will you get paid?" and then "how many people in
your group?" i said 5 (its 6 but i didnt want to make it
look like the amount of work i had to do was limited so my
credit is not so due..?) then he asked "how many boys and
how many girls?" as if that mattered!! like shouldn't the
first question be what is your design? i answered "half
and half" by now i was a bit annoyed and defensive - and i
dont kno why, its not like i was doing anything bad... and
then he said "there are 5 people in the group how many of
each?" as if that was important!! then i said 3 girls and
two guys then he said "where are they all from?" and i was
like some are asians, "some are british..." then he
said "you're not speaking confidently, dont't you know the
peopple in your group?" why should he care? so that he can
get an idea of the chances there are of me getting with
someone..? that just put a dampener on my day then. and
after that i couldnt get back to sleep. he really knows
how to fuck things up. i dont like speaking to him about
anything. even when its good news because he has a way of
making things seem bad. his questions aren't from a place
of interest. they come from a place of suspicion and
distrust. fucker. its like i'll be desiging for the
olympic stadium and there was no show of excitement. oh

c'est la vie