An inconcluded life
2009-02-08 21:02:51 (UTC)

7 months

I have not been here in almost a year and so much has
happened. Sometimes I wish time would not go by so fast.
But it does, and then we die.

I'm 7 months pregnant with our first child. A daughter. I
can't wait to see her. The thing is, we are not married.
We were never married. I attempted to apply the principles
of The Secret and pretend to have a fantastic life. That
life that I have always dreamt of but now know I will never
have. I got pregnant by accident. He was always very
careful to make sure this never happened, but it did and
when the stick turned blue, all I said was I'm keeping it.
Despite some attempts of people talking me into not having
it, amongst those people, him, it is perhaps the last
opportunity in my life and I am not going to give that up.

Sometimes I have the hope that perhaps he will change his
mind and things will be they way I have always dreamed.
Other times, reality hits me so hard that I don't know what
to do.

Today is one of those days. I feel a piece of me is dying
very slowly and I can't cope. I don't want to feel like
this because I know my daughter can feel my pain, but I
don't know what else to do. I know that the life that's
ahead of me is full of pain and disappointment, and I wish I
could get it over with now.

I just posed a simple question to the father of my child,
"would you give up your parental rights to get off the hook
from child support?" His answer was not what I expected. I
don't know why I have such high expectations of him if he
always has proved to be such an insensitive monster. He
asked me what I thought was best. My reply was that it was
best if he gave up the parental rights. That way he would
not disappoint the child as much as he has disappointed me.
Selfish? I don't think so. All he has shown these past
seven months is that he does not care and that all this has
been one great big drag and that it would have been better
if it had never happened. In these past seven months he has
only felt the baby moving twice, and this was because I
literally took his hand and put it on my belly. I wanted to
make him feel part of the process. I wanted to engage him
as much as possible. But it proved to be useless. All he
said was "how can you sleep with all that going on in
there"? There was no sign of tenderness or of anything. Am
I expecting too much? Is the fact that the baby was not
planned such a terrible thing?

His last message read:
"OK, I will do what you think is best. I'm not going to
allow this child to have complications at this stage in its
life. Organize the papers and I will sign. From now on I
don't want to see you socially but I hope we can have a
professional relationship. When the baby is born you will
go home ASAP - it is best if I do not see the baby. and I
will arrange things so I will be going when you return. IF
the child tries to contact me later I will be very noble and
never say anything but good things about you, that I
promise because it would not be good for him or her so you
can trust me on this. I'm sorry if I'm not what you wanted
or expected, but I've tried to be honest with you since the
beginning. I think you will be a great mum and that is why
I'm going to do this. Just make sure it will be ok and I
will be happy with that."

So what type of a message is this when I'm 7 months
pregnant? Did I ask for it? Perhaps you who are reading
this now might be thinking "well yeah bitch, you asked for
it!" But that is not the way things were. I was trying to
give him a wake up call. Hello??? Your child is on the way
and you have missed the past seven months of it growing
inside me!!! He does not fucking care. What am I supposed
to do now? I just want to avoid him and not see him any
more. But I work with him and I have to see him every day
of my life whilst we are both there! I am so tired and fed
up that I don't know what else to do. I feel like I'm
having a nervous breakdown and that I won't be able to go
on. I just want to get this over with.

Looking back at all these months and how things have been
with him, I have no good memories. I have nothing to hold
on to. All I have is his family who has been so nice and
supportive, but I don't know if this is what my daughter
needs. I don't want her to grow up with the same
disappointments I had to grow up with and live with until
the day of my father's death. What am I supposed to tell
her when he slips out the fact that she just "happened"
unlike other kids who happen under normal circumstances,
with a mom and a dad and a great family?

I feel like I can't continue any more. And of all the
disappointments I have had in my life, I think this one has
been the worst one. I've had a difficult life. I've had to
deal with many horrible situations, but it's only been about
me and my ego. Now, even though she is not born yet, I feel
that she is also being hurt by all this and I can't do
anything to stop it. I feel empty handed and impotent
because nothing I do will ever change the way he is and the
way he treats us and the way he has treated me in the past.