My Very Own Black Hole

College Years and then some
2009-02-03 03:55:28 (UTC)

When I was six...

So I had to write an essay for my Child Abuse and Family Violence in Society
course. I felt is necessary to put it in my diary, since it hit pretty close to
home, and has helped me be who I am today. Here it is:


There are students who take classes to complete the General Education
requirements. There are students who want to learn about subjects of
interest, just for fun. There are even some students who take classes because
they think they will be “easy A’s”. There are some students who take a course
in hopes of understanding in depth that topic, just for pure enrichment. I
would be considered a student of the last one mentioned. I am twenty-two
years old, and have a history of child abuse, of a sort, that will not let me
forget. I have expectations of this class to help me understand the different
points of view, from the abuser to the abused, the neglected, the beat, the
forgotten, the children with no voices, and the environment these children
reside. I want to understand how an environment plays a role for the children
in family situations. Looking into the history of child and family violence, I
want to learn how the economy, location, ethnicity, and class ranking plays a
role in family violence. I hope to gain enough information to continue in
working with children of preschool age. I have a goal to be able to somewhat
detect if a child is being abused, and to know exactly what to do in that
situation. I want to be able to be that voice for children who might be too
afraid to speak about it. I want to help children overcome, as I have done.
At the age of six, I had the unfortunate experience of being sexually
molested by a neighborhood boy twice my age. He led me to an abandoned
barn on a hill, and told me we were going to play a game of House, just
‘make-believe’. The boy explained the rules to me, and how ‘dads’ touched
the ‘moms’, and how mom’s had to do what the dad’s said. He explained this
game was a secretive one, and that no one else could play, or know about it.
It was rules to the game I have never heard before, but not having many girls
to play with my own age, felt special that this older boy wanted to play with
me. This happened quite a few times. Living on a private street populated by
many children, primarily boys, few around my own age, many older, I
confided in a girl who was a grade older. She had told me that the boy was
playing the same ‘game’ with her. At the age of six, I did not understand how
serious these actions were. One day after playing with the boy, I came home
to my parents sitting in the living room, with very upset faces. I remember
the way my mother looked, her eyes red, drenched in fury perhaps, tear
stained cheeks, and her glasses smudgy with a water collection where they
rested on her face. My father sat there on the couch, pressing his lips
together as he often did when he was really distraught. He kept his head
down, with a fixed stair at the carpet, listening to my mother ask me
questions about how and where the incident happened. Apparently, the older
girl I confided in told her mother, who in turn, called my mother to inform
her. My mother being a preschool teacher and neighborhood babysitter
couldn't understand how I had let him do it. It was strange seeing my mom
upset, as she was often a very cheery person. I remember being sent to my
room, and hearing my mother slam the front door and march down the street
to the boys house. He lived six houses down the street, and heard her
shouting angrily when the boys father opened the door. My father and I still,
to this day do not discuss what happened, although we remain in very close
in communication. Soon after the incident, I began having vivid nightmares of
aliens coming to take me on their space ship. This occurred for months, and I
recall seeing a therapist for quite some time as I grew older. I have always
associated the dreams to the incident, although, I am not sure how they are
related.

This incident affected my relationships with the men, and even more so,
myself. I became very self conscious at an early age, and when I reached
puberty, had very low self esteem. I hope to gain from this class more
understanding of my past. I want to learn about the predator, and what
causes these behaviors at such a young age for both males and females. I’d
like to learn about the victims, and what are ways of coping and growing from
experiences that are related to child abuse and family violence. It is barbaric
and unnecessary. Some victims are effected more long term. Others deal with
constant exposure all there lives. No one deserves to be treated in a
physically or emotionally abusive way. I hope to be a light in helping people
help themselves.





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