The Microwave and the Internet
i swear to god i didn't sign up for a lecture on the slow
decline of our morality when i added my ucc class to my
schedule. nevertheless, the conceited, retarded law
students in my class which is supposed on the law of sales
and secured transactions managed to digress into the
derogation of our "everyday decencies" and how it
necessitated a rigid interpretation of the UCC.
i hate any generalized statement that our morality is in a
decline (that's a fuck you to you mr. jimmy carter, jesus
christ, stop writing those books!). on a whole i think
we're doing alright. for every book that lynn truss writes
about our decline i'd like to take the opportunity to point
out at least one way in which we have lifted ourselves above
the horrible conditions we used to subject people to. women
are no longer treated as property and neither are blacks.
on a whole i'd say raping and pillaging is down and equal
opportunity has gone up.
of course let's not confuse common human decency with acting
like a plain jackass. i blame the decline in common
civility on two things: the microwave and the internet.
The Microwave: are we not a civilization of instant
gratification? shit. today i pulled something out of the
freezer. it was some ribs and some baked beans. now i
could have thrown that bitch into the oven but it would have
taken me 40 minutes...fuck that. after 3 and a half minutes
in the microwave i was too impatient to wait the additional
one minute to let it cool down and promptly burnt the shit
out of myself.
how does this translate into a lack of civilty? well,
people expect shit to happen yesterday for them. if they
want something done and it's not done in a few seconds shit
goes down. the business world is the best example of this.
i have gotten a complex contract emailed to me at 2 pm and
chided for not having returned it by 4. waht the fuck?
calm the fuck down.
people act like asses when they are out and about too.
everyone is hurrying every damn where, and why? what the
fuck is everybody doing that's so damn important any
damn-way? i have a job, go to law school, have a puppy that
drives me batshit crazy, have to find a job, have to sign
up for the bar, and have the usual chores, yet i manage to
saunter. people will brush past you and push past you like
it's the shit to do.
The Internet: it has allowed those with no social skills to
essentially avoid human contact. so what happens when a
basic need for sustenance drives them to the local grocery
store or fast food joint? they lose their shit. what's
more, they act like complete assholes.
i've had people slam into my shoulder with no problem. i
had a 50 year old woman slam into my shoulder and
subsequently push my shopping cart out of the way like
pacman jones slams hookers into dance floors. i swear to
god people have no more decency.
but these two innovations aren't the entirety of the
equation. to get the true understanding of our decline we
must factor in one more element. i like to call this factor
the "HAP". HAP stands for high ass-kicking probability. it
is simply the probability of someone stomping you out if
you cross them.
i grew up in teh south. they have a HAP down there that is
off the charts. i'd put it at 70%. that means that, if you
talk shit to someone there is a 70% that you're gonna lose
some teeth over it.
guy i worked with two summers ago put it best. he worked as
a bouncer for a bar at LSU. he said taht the college kids
were no problem, the problem was the summer when the "good
ole boys" came home. they kicked the shit out of people
when there was a drunken altercation.
bottom line is, you're not slamming into someone's shoulder
and pushing their cart out of the way down south for fear
that someone will literally break their foot off up in your
on the other hand. where i live now there is a LAP (low
ass-kicking probability). i'd say the LAP is at 2.5%. that
means that there is a 97.5% chance that you'll get away with
acting like a jackass to someone.
and that's how things work out here. people will bass their
music and stick their chin out defiantly out at you when you
ask them to please turn it down. they'll push past you in
line. they'll push your cart if its in their way. that's
how shit is.
i myself plan on raising the LAP to a HAP around here. i
wonder how far i have to go to make someone think twice? i
don't want to get an assault charge, but i swear to god one
more pugnacious piss-ant of a college punk pushing his way
past me to get his vegan pizza is gonna cause me to lose my
composure up out this bitch.