All that is
Ad 2:
2009-01-26 06:42:17 (UTC)


went to the shunt on friday nite (23rd/01/09) An eventful
turn out id say. not exactly how id planned, but something
of the like. only more. things planned - i had been
planning to pull, and i did. however the extent of which
i 'pulled' was somewhat unplanned. even though i knew from
the very second that i would sleep with him. after all was
that not the reason i asked that we 'leave'. then again
the shunt is a place of complete unpredictability. i met
camilla robinson's model brother guy robinson, and did
what i do best, which was feign ignorance of his
modelling. as if i didnt know. i quite surprised i
recognised him myself tho. and he was very lovely. and
lovely looking obviously, though i think that his model
shots over-do him justice.. i didnt feel much charisma
there. tho i'd gladly do him. but he didnt have the
charisma that i'd imagined that he would, all those times
i'd looked him up... haha

so back to my pull. his name is ben. ben adams farrell.
and he looked a complete adonis. and the short of it is we
ended up making out big time, at the shunt, then having a
bit of a romp back at his place. well, several romps in
fact. so there. my first. done and dusted just like that:

virginity taken.

the strange thing is i always thought that id wait and do
it with someone with whom i shared a mutual love. but to
be honest that just doesnt seem on the cards for me. at
least not for a good while. a relationship? not now, no.
random encounters are possible, but not a relationship.
and i knew that well. i had sorted that out in my head,
and had come to terms with it. which i guess, is the
reason i so easily and willingly had my first time sex
with a guy i had known only 2 hours beforehand. and i dont
regret it. i'd do it again (and again) but the sad thing
about it is that i suspect that the only reason i had sex
with him was because i was afraid that i might not have
another chance to.. which i think is just absurd because i
have my whole life ahead of me. but the ever-hanging
question is when? when will that be? and with someone so
handsome and im suspecting again, close to someone who
would only desire me in my fantasies, i said why not? well
not why not, i was very willing. i knew what i was going
home with him for and i didnt ponder over it or worry
about it even before hand. i just let the night happen as
it would. and i liked it. except of course, with me being
me, something with so much emotional baggage as a first
sexual experience in my opinion, does not just dissolve
into the motions of other everyday activities. and of
course not. i knew this too, which was maybe why i didnt
ponder over the fact that i would have sex with a mere
stranger. good-looking as he may be but a stranger
nontheless. after having sex for the first time, you
expect something, some bond, no? and this is what i wanted
of course, even though i wouldnt admit it then. i wouldnt
call it naivety because i knew i would start to think like
this. and now, a day and a few hours later, i find myself
becoming obsessed with this guy and the whole event. i
keep playing and replaying it in my head. its mad. the
irony is that i said to him - "im gonna pay for this -
something bad always follows something good.."
and it has come to be... So i really do want him. I'm a
really emotional person and i've always known that. i've
hyper-sensitive and it has its good and bad points.
although i sometimes feel slightly cursed by way that the
bad points tend to outweigh the good. i over-emotionalise
things, maybe things that people would turn a blind eye
to. and maybe more than before, in this situation ive done
so. when i do something i love, or more specifically when
i give myself to someone even physically, my heart tends
to go into it too. wether i like it or not, i invest some
emotion into it. maybe more than i would like, or like to
admit openly. but its true. and i wish i could do
somethings objectively. maybe i'd get more things done
that way. and as much as i'm trying to play it safe and
treat it like past 'encounters' and not dwell on the fact
that on friday night/morning i lost my virginity to this
guy, i can sense what feels like the beginnings of what
will be some emotional turmoil for me. i can feel it. it
will cause me to think differently, behave in a way that
will surprise me and others. turning a bit loose perhaps.
before, even if a guy was terribly fit i would not sleep
with him. what changed? well i had sex is what changed, is
the obvious answer. i dont want to regret anything, but i
afraid that il end up doing so. for one, he hasnt called,
although he said 'call me when ur in bristol...' before we
went are separate ways that morning, and maybe im being
ridiculous, but in the morning, when we had breakfast, he
didnt pay for me!! i mean like surely its the least that
you can do for som1 who's allowed u to have sex with her.
and then there was no physical touching when we were
walking around, which all adds up and makes me think that
maybe he wanted to begin to sever ties. like not do
anything that may lead me to believe that there was
potential for a relationship there. i dont know. and
everytime i brought up the topic of "so would you like to
meet again?" his answers weren't yes's or no's they just
obscure like "i'm in bristol for the next four weeks..and
im not back in 4 weeks" "..yeah just give me a call to
come out or whatever.." again, not actually what i was
asking. i brought up this topic on like 3 separte
occasions and each time he gave answers like these. no
certainty, just obscurity.
i think he keeps people at arms length. i mean i only
spent a few hours with the guy, but from something as
intimate as sex i think that in a few hours one can learn
the same amount about someone as they would if they spent
weeks together. and there was a definite wall there. no
tenderness, or sensitivity, or want for emotional or
physical closeness past what was inevitable during and
after sex. there were bits of what he was saying that
didnt seem to connect. agian so much obscurity. im not
saying i think he was lying about things because i dont
(maybe except for the time when some girl rang him in the
morning and i heard the name pip once or so, and then
after i think i was in the coffee shop when i asked if
that was his sister who called and he replied yes,
something about her forgetting an umbrella, and totally
of the conversation he had while i was there. at the time
i was relieved to hear it was his sister becuase that is
what i wanted to hear of course, but only later did i
think so you call your sister a slag do? and discuss her
sexual encounters with her too? it was this chick named
pip i take it.) and that his mates had 'come over from
australia to see him' but then why the hell was he going
to bristol?
he's not the faithful type either. saying he had a 'chich
he was seeing' in bristol, and the sleeping with me,
then.... god. it's just complicated.

so anyway, as per usual, i'll be the one to do the
orchestrating if i want anything to come out of this, and
if i want to prove to myself and save my emotional well-
being that i didnt loose my virginity in vain, or on a one
night stand. and really this is not how i had envisioned
loosing my virginity would be like. i had envisioned being
in a secure relationship with someone amazing...but that's
too good to be true in my own little world isnt it. and
what you envision is not always what is inevitable. and
this way was so inevitable and suited to me wasnt it?
initiating, giving, chasing, obsessing...and getting none
of it back. how typical, i mean really how else did i
expect it to be?

i'm not feeling so raw yet, because i havent let myself.
and because of hope. hope that this will lead some place.
i havent fully acknowledge the presence of any emotional
wound yet, becaue of hope. and thank god for hope, too or
my oh my would i be a mess. bruised to the core and
feeling used.

attaching oceans of meaning to a few hours of what was
merely motions for somebody else, nothing more.

but the sad and inevitable truth is, i probably will. but
i hope not.