All that is
Ad 2:
2009-01-19 03:11:03 (UTC)


ok, where do i start. i havent written anything in months
despite several reminders.......

my life as of now is... how should i put it... well,
meaningless. just beginning to realise some not so
wonderful facts about myself. rude awakening would be an
understatement. how long can one be in denial for? ive
been in denial for so long its almost hilarious. like
really at times ill just burst out laughing. but then the
laughter soon turn to tears. and rightly so too. because
its funny, but its also quite tragic. and theres only so
much one can laugh at or pretend to laugh at before it
becomes blatant that what you're doing is concealing your
sorrow or pain or whatever with humour. i guess i've done
that always. rite from school. i'd rather find the funnies
in an awkward or bad situation, than address the real
issues. but you cant do that forever. pretend that things
dont bother you. i don't know its just that by crying
about something that someone has done to you, to me that's
kind of a sign that they've won. im not talking about
anyone here in particular. just in general. where am i
going with this? basically im really unhappy, and being so
is making me think of certian things.

first realisation is, I not sure i can say that i have
friends. like real friends, separte individuals, those
that arent related to you in some way. heck i have several
acquaintances. shit loads. we go out etc. but thats it.
its like we wouldnt we wouldnt work in any other setting.
other than the party scene, where alcohol and money, and
and music is involved to cloud your judgement. where its
easy to pretend to be som1 else. we go out, have a blast,
but thats it. they dont contact me during the week or
whatever or i dont do them, well i would but its cos they
dont...they dont pop round i dont know if its because i
live on the 7th floor and so no1 goes there. but still i
have the feeling that even if i lived on the 5th floor
with charlie and that lot, i would still the in the same
position. my real friends, as in those that i can call
anytime, not to ask or say anything in particular, but
just because i feel like it, and then just hang on the
phone, not saying anyhting, i can only count 3 people (or
mabe 3 and a half... if its possible) 1 would be elemchi,
but she's my sister and she's 4 yr younger than me, so
thats not really counting as friend, second would be pam,
but she agian is my cousin so she's related and third
would be melissa who i've known since like junior school.
even my secondary school mates dont count...lol then again
i cant really count them as mates seeing as in the last
two yrs of school i didnt have them. i lost my friends
even before i left school. in yr 11. i also think i lost
my social skills or sense of fun at that time too. i used
to be so popular and just talkative or whatever. thought
i'm not exactly sure how you can loose your social skills.
i can understand not having any in the first place, but
not just loosing them like that. loose em how? where did
they go? was it when i stopped being mates with harrie?
shit i really havent got a clue. im just so puzzled as to
how and why other people can easily get on with other
girls and make friends, and i cant...is it me or them is
what i want to know. like we had a fire alarm the other
nite and everyone was outside. i saw these people just
chatting away with eachother, and its weird like i dont do
that anymore. like i remember when i used to be like that,
and i dont anymore, im watching them and wondering what
the hell they have to say to eachother, and why they'd
want to listen. im actually wondering what they could be
laughing and talking about. i feel like a martian. like
whenever i have a conversation with some1 it takes so much
effort like i'm not really interested in them but im just
being polite kinda thing.. like nothin they have to say
interests me. so maybe its me finding them boring. but
then they seem to like eachother. or am i a thrillseeker?
like these girls are friends because they've gotten to
know eachother, not becuase they find eachother funny or
anything, but me if i dont have some kind of draw, i dont
really wanna hang out. so maybe its because they're
boring. but thats the easy way out i think. Now again, i m
jsut making excuses. they're this and they're that. but
what about me. why is it that they talk to me and then not
want to get to know me better? (except for freshers week
when everyone was being superficially nice to every1
becuase of the excitement of being a student in london or
whatever.) what am i doing wrong? do i give out negative
vibes? they say that when some1 seems popular and
surrounded by people, others wanna know them, but thats
not me. i think thats definately true to an extent tho.
when some1 seems like they are popular with every1 u wanna
get to know them u wnna talk to them u want their
attention. and at the moment thats not me. im not miss
popular at them mo so maybe thats why. even i think like
that. - when some1 is surrounded by people, i become
intrigued, regardless of how they may look or whatever.
its like im actually getting used to being on my own all
the god damn time, sad as it may be. my self esteem is so
low, and thats another realisation. i'm so concious about
everything. i used to pride myself on being self confident
and outgiong but now i think even that might have just
been pride. my skin is largely due to that though. My acne
has flared up since like october onwards. and i've been
suffering literally. no one knows because i try to play it
down, because i dont want pity from unwelcomed sympathy
giver, and its just embarrasing. (i'll quote my daddy -
follow us so that they can see your face) and this was
said out loud. so humiliating. because i have pride. and
that hurts. its one thing to have a deformity or an
unsightliness and keep that to yurself, but its another to
let people know that it keeps you up at night. its not
cool. for example if im walking down the tube station with
half my face bare as i was the other day after my laser
consultation, and i walk straight and purposefully then
no1 will look much or stare for more than a second. but if
i walk with my head down, tryin to cover my face, you'll
feel the stares more. and this works for me. this is how i
cope. even tho sometimes i wont look people in the eye for
more than a few seconds. i wont even let anyone get close
to my face, because i know how it looks. its like you can
see someones eye roaming aroud your face and you know what
they are looking at and its unnerving. only after dark is
it ok to le t some people get close. its sad. that i only
feel comfortable being close to others in the dark. beauty
comes from within they say. and i believe that too, but
theres only so much that one can show from within during
the first few seconds of a meeting or getting to know
some1 and it has to be something pretty damn striking for
somebody to look past the unpleasantness without. im not
sure i have that. i used to thnk i did tho. like i used to
think that when som1 met me, they'd want to get to know me
better like if i were a boy i thnk id want to get to know
me. like you get people who say their ideal man would be a
male version of themselves. thats true in my case. and i
thnk thats whats so frustrating - like why dont you want
to get to know me??? so now im starting to thnk maybe i
dont have that. but fuck them. just because they cant see
my inner beauty lol. haha i wish that was the only case.
the fact that i cant close to others physically is
affecting me. like i dont even have a boyfriend. and it
just makes me wonder. like people who are less pretty than
myself can, and then theres me. they obvious question is
what why dont guys like me? thats the obvious question.
but i'm starting to think differently - i dont think its
becuase they dont like me, i think them problem lies on my
part. i think i send off signals that literally say stay
away. dont look at me or dont come near. even if i think
that person is hot. beacause thats what im thinking. i
dont want them to look at me becuase of whats on my face.
its so frustrating. and realistically speaking, i cant be
with anyone like this. i wear makeup to cover up my face
so that i can look tolerable in public, and thats doable.
but how can you be in an intimate relationship with all
these hangups? you can't wear makeup 24/7. its going to
have to come off at some point and then who ever it is
willl see who they're dealing with. i suspect i had a look
into that reality one time a few months ago when i got
with elton. i had stayed at his and in the dark i was the
sex siren that i am lol and then in the morning, we
started going at it again and we were kissing, and he got
on top of me, and then we were just like rolling around
(he's vision is still clouded i take it at this point) and
he looks at my face and all of a sudden he stops moving
and just stares for like 2 seconds more than he should
have done and at that moment something happens. i kinda
see something in his eyes that says surprise. or if i
could put it into words, it'll be "what the.." later on, i
realised my makeup had weared off a little over night. and
as it was, that was the end of me and him. he didnt
contact me and when i contacted him (i know i tried to
restrain myself) he didnt respond. and back then my face
wasnt as bad as it is now. so imagine what i could (or the
person) could be in for. maybe thats why i like older guys
(or think i like older guys) because they tend to be able
to see past those kinda things. and maybe i just use the i
like older guys line as an excuse because guys my own age
dont tend to come to me or wouldnt be able to see past the
stuff 'without'... but that said i think i genuinely like
older men. maybe the fact ive just mentioned, and the fact
that they tend to look at me more has a part to play, but
a good looking older guy is wayyyyy sexier than a good
looking younger guy. i'd have the former any day! or call
it the the 'daddy was never around syndrome' hell maybe
its even a bit of that, but the fact is, i do like em.

so back to the point, i couldn't be in a relationship, not
now, not until my face is cleared up. or there'll just be
so much hassle and secrecy. but can i wait that long.
honestly, i've never been that bothered about not having a
boyfriend, like i was 16, 17, 18 and yeah i would have
liked to have that, but when it didnt come at those times,
i accepted that, and it was easy to accept due to the
circumstances eg 16 - 18 i was living at home, with the
monster so i had not freedom. so that wass ok. frustrating
but managable. then from 18 - 19 it was even more
frustrating, still managable tho, since i had my
first 'enconters' with guys - even though they'd never
tell. i good like that. feigning charisma and sexual
confidence. so i could put up with that. plus i had the
excuse of living with the cow fiona and not being able to
bring home any friends let alone random guys. but now im
19, turning 20 this summer, and i live in student halls.
there are no more excuses. nothing to to wait for anymore,
so i'm forced to face the facts. I c

then theres the dan snow dilema. like recently ive started
to thnk of him again, thanks to pam, and i've known his
facebook for ages now but recently (agian thanks to pam)
ive been flirting with the idea of adding him on facebook.
but then there's reality again. what if he doesnt reply
me, and then my suspicions and fears are confirmed? or
what if something happens and then we meet and he sees my
face!! or i look fatter? again like pam said (and im only
just beginning to realise), im so self concious! like last
time i really would have gone home with him but i didnt
because i was scared i guess. of showing my body and being
close etc. and more significantly, that if i slept with
him he wouldnt see me again. and there id be - virginity
taken, heart broken. so what im really doing is protecting
myself to be honest. i'll im afraid that after sleeping
with some1 ill be really emotionally attached to them,
whereas they'll just see me as 'just another shag'. i dont
want to have to go through that. it'll hurt too much.
its something id like to share with some1 special. like
really, if the mood takes me over, i'd do it upon first
meeting, but i'd have to be
sure that this person wants to see me again and wants to
get to know me more. thats all i want. i dont even care if
there'll be a relationship or not. i stopped obsessing
about that so much. i just want to be or be made to feel
like a girl that guys want to do more than fuck, with. i
dont care if it goes anywhere long term or not all i want
is sincerity. just that. like really is that too much to
ask? because it's not that i think im ugly or whatever. i
cant look ugly, but hell i know i look beautiful too. but
whats the point in looking beautiful if no1 can appreciate
it. dont get me wrong, ive been told i look beautiful by
several guys and girls but it fades. and i wonder in what
way they mean, and for what reasons they say it. agian
sincerity. i also need for my mind to be complimented. i
know i have a beautiful mind but whats the point if no1
appreciates it? i know there are all these sayings of how
self confidence comes from within, not outwards, and its
true and in a sense its what gives me the strenght to face
everyday and face people, but sometimes -and its not good
but its true - you need to feel you are appreciated and
worth something in the eyes of others, to appreciated
yourself. thats the thing. but dan snow and elton and
every guy i've ever got with have like told me endlessly
that im 'smoking hot' 'beautiful' etc and its not that i
dont believe them, i think its just that im looking for
more than to be appreciated on a superficial level. then
theres the age thing. i was 18 and the time, he was 28
about to turn 29. dan never asked of my age and i never
asked of his, but i knew that we both knew that there
might have been a considerable age difference between us.
and i didnt question. and he didnt i gues that's another
thing holding me back from adding him. i mean i've always
been or acted (there two different things - being and
acting) older than my age. i dont know which term applies
to me. but he'll look on my fcbk page and see all these
people who are my friends and way younger than him then
he'll hold back. and i'll start wondering why. not having
answers kills me because my mind runs away with all these
crazy thoughts that may or may not be true.

so the other nite, as in friday nite i went out for the
first time in months and as one would imagine i was very
excited!! again hadnt been out in months due to the state
of my skin. when i go out i like to be looked at. i like
to flirt and i like to look my very best. with a breakout
like world war 1 on my face it was impossible and so for
the first time - and literally the first time in months, i
had an almost all clear day - my skin wasn't so bumpy. i
wish i could just go back to the days when all i had to
worry about was the scarring on my face. so we went out me
and thomas, and it was fun. i looked good. towards the end
of the night, we were at this french bar and this guy
comes up to me and whispers bellissima - which in italian
means 'you're beautiful' or you're pretty. and then me him
and thomas start talking. he was complimenting me like
theres something about you, your this etc, and he was
rather touchy feely which made me cautious because again
it was just on a superficial level. he didnt know me so
what made me so special. he wanted us to meet up like that
same morning after i came home from our nite out. but i
knew why and it wasn't what i wanted so i said some other
time. he's also a lot older too - a bit older than dan.
anyways, whatever. we'll see. but i do this thing where if
some1 likes me (and i think i did this with dan and some
others), the fact that they like me makes them loose some
appeal in my eyes. and i think when i do this, i'm just
projecting my opinion of myself onto them. gosh it
certainly says alot of how i see myself - "if you like me
i dont like you..?" wow. that's why i always fall for guys
who dont look twice at me. like as soon as i find out they
like me, i find something i dont like about them or i
start to avoid them (if its a friend). its like them
liking me makes me almost disgusted in some cases.

maybe all this problem is coming from a long absence from
church. maybe i just need to pray more.. haha


there's this guy in my class. jeff grunfeld. about 26
years old. absolutely gorgeous. other might totally
disagree but not me. i have a huge crush on him like i
cant stop looking at him even when i try to keep my eyes
off, they always end of around the area of the room he's
in. its getting to be a real distraction in class. he's
got ginger hair thats curly, he's bi-lingual, he's half
irish and half german but is spanish by birth so he speaks
spanish. he also understands french and does photography.

yeah, and he's also married and has a baby boy.. erk.

its odd because when i first saw him, i noticed his ginger
hair and he was skinny and pale. and i thought hmmm. then
i thought not so great. i didnt look twice at him. even
during the first few weeks at school. i'm not even sure
when began looking at him more, but i think it was when i
saw his wedding ring. i never really noticed it - i mean
saw it but i didnt wonder. but then i saw it again like
more prominently and i heard him taliking to louis and i
heard louis mention 'your wife' and then i was interested.
god isnt that strange?? i amaze myself. and the funny
thing is, some1 else would look at him and think he was a
minger. thomas thinks he's gross, and i know what thomas
means. and i'm aware of that its not like i cant see why
anyone wouldnt fancy him. he's really hippyish, like more
bohemian than hippy. think viggo mortensen in perfect
murder, only with ginger locks. haha. he looks sort of
pale, almost ill, but not british pale, a sort of tanned
pale. like when you maybe mix blue, yellow, white and a
bit of red acrylic paint together to make this light, cool
beige tone. he looks something similar a gnome or one of
those festive creatures... but im so attracted to him.
would it still be the same if he wasnt married? its also
because of the working for affection thing. i made him
laugh the other day like really laugh and he stood close
to me and looked me right in the eyes smiling, then we
started talking "how were your holidays.......etc" it
made me feel really good that i said something impressive.
i think i chase that. trying to impress. sometimes with
him i try too often and he doesnt notice, or he does and
he gives a funny look, and it ruins my day, like i feel
really down after that, but then at other times its
genuine and it feels like such a high.

i dunno why everyone i tend to really want is attached. i
guess it goes back to the whole with of wanting to know
people who are poupular or who other like. and i guess if
some1 wants to spend the rest of their lives with a
person, it gives that person a certain appeal, no? and
also it means that they wont like you, which in turn makes
u like them like i said before. its almost as if i feel
like i should work for people's affection. if its given to
me on a plate, i dont want it. but if i have to work to
earn it, then its good. like this new guy i just met, when
hew called me today i wasnt even that psyched. i didnt get
a 'buzz'. is that ok? shouldnt i be like swoonig? i guess
its coz he picked me. i didnt pick him. it probably
explains why i was so hot for elton - like i've never felt
the so turned on by any guy ive got with like the way i
was with elton. with him i practically talked to him
first. i orchestrated our get together and well, when we
got together it was fucking great. heated. but even with
this fact, its sad in a way - that i cant feel that kind
of excitement with some1 who comes to me. like with dan.
when he came to me i wasnt that psyched. but now i want
him and i'll bet if i got with him again, i'd be so hot
for him. i dont know where alll this stems from. certainly
comes from somewhere though. i think i have an idea.
childhood, adolescence etc. but again, whatever.

if i were to take my life i wonder how many people would
turn up. lol my daddy would probaby chase most of them
out. i wonder who would show up though. at daves funeral
it was packed. such a tragedy. but such a sight too.
testimony to the volume of the lives of people he touched.
people who felt his presence in their lives.