taking heed

slightly exaggerated
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2009-01-17 11:26:52 (UTC)

Wind chill warning for Windsor, Essex, Chatham-Kent, Derrick

Oh dear, another reference to the cold outside and the
cold within. From the top, it can be said that this is a
different kind of cold than the one experienced through
the hot days of summer '08. There is less despair, less
hope of imminent destruction, less absolute chaos on the
most basic of levels.

The highlight of my week this week was going to the
University of Windsor bookstore with Veronica. She went to
exchange three books for another as per a switch in her
degree clinching philosophy class. At first, I was having
balance issues and all I could think about was losing
weight, but then the nostalgia of setting took hold.
Seeing the bright young minds purchasing over-priced tomes
by bright old minds and the upstart cashiers willfully
engaging in the exchange of money for knowledge, I was
brought back to my Carleton days. Oh those Carleton days.
I keep thinking about those days and romancing about how
meaningful they were. All of those strange and amazing
learnings, like-minded friends and aquaintances,
independence, acceptance. My Carleton days are held in
such high esteem.

The cold I feel now is a bitter one that leaves the ears
tingling after a five minute walk to the car from a warm
locale. Higher learning is a distant memory that has been
replaced by the incessant jabber of the television. The
television has nothing good to say, but it's always on and
I'm starting to identify with commercials! BLAGH. But it
goes deeper.

These are things I should probably save for the "shrink"
I'm slated to meet with in the coming days, but, I want to
get some things off my chest in the meantime. I'm having
an identity crisis (no surprise there) Period, new
heading. I feel that no one really listens to me/cuts me
off because of my speaking style (though I don't seem to
have much to say (because I'm mostly thinking about
physical shit when in public)). To go along with that, I'm
of the mind that my non-existent self confidence inhibits
me from speaking how I want to. Or am I just so negative
that people don't want to hear me out? REGARDLESS, it
still fucking bothers me.

I wish Vee and I talked more (about important things).
Like when we were at the Howard diner with Kathy. But you
can't just turn off the tv and say "Ok, let's talk about
important things now."

I guess what it comes down to is that I just don't really
feel legitimately appreciated by anyone right now. The
zing of that is somewhat diminshed by the fact that I
realize I haven't really offered up too much for anyone
else either lately.

I'm tired now.

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