Topsy Kretts

Breathing in the same sequence
2009-01-08 21:55:50 (UTC)

Waitress

being grateful and appreciative of even the most mundane
thing that one has keeps a person happy and renders a
feeling of security..of being fortunate.

I can't say (don't even want to think) that i am
ungrateful..that would make me a bad person.
Unappreciative..maybe..perhaps that is the problem i have.


Children..i don't believe children knows how to appreciate
anything..that is why toy business is such a hit.
When did i first experienced to appreciate anything?
Once when i almost had everything i never had..i appreciated
everything i got..and because i got it all from using my
looks to make men offer me/pay me money, for the first few
years, i felt empowered but it made me become a ruthless
person inside. I believed that everything i got, i got it
all by myself, because i am pretty...i was grateful to God
for giving me the tool i needed to have a better life, but
at the back of my mind, i doubted if i should even thank God,
why? because somehow i knew that bad things can't come from
God. I didn't/ would never thank the devil for anything
anyway..so.. deep inside, i really wasn't sure if i should
be thankful at all. This realization grew inside me more and
more each passing day, until it blew out of proportion..that
even the "appreciation" faded away
slowly..steadily..then..BAM! it's gone. I began to realize
my fears, i felt unspeakable remorse, i felt dirty,
pathetic and very very unhappy so much so that i wanted to
end my life.

Someone came and tried to help me get up..i think for a
moment there I "appreciated" the hand..but it turned out
Not.I had a whole different agenda, it wasn't appreciation
i felt for the person,, it was more of desperation. So, it
was like "WTF?!" after another.

Then..God intervened, this time i know it's HIM alright. But
perhaps since He knows what makes me bad and what makes me
not..He gives me only what i really need..just enough not to
make me go crazy again.

With this that He gives..He keeps me restrained..like a wild
dog with a muzzle and a leash. I can't complain. I think
it's awesome, a stroke of Genius if I may say so.

I knew I appreciated God (i mean i really appreciate God now
more than i ever did before) after all that has happened..I
have never felt so grateful and thankful to God.

But still...why is it never enough?

I saw "Waitress" last night, best movie to date! i somehow
related to her and her life story, the mistakes she made
for marrying the man she married, the poverty, the self
pity, the torment of feeling trapped, the feeling of having
to escape and changing her life but not knowing how or where
to go, the loneliness, the having to do it all on your own
way because you are all alone in your struggle, the love
affair with a man she knew she can never have...and even if
she can, she knew she mustn't. Like me, she's quite a
special woman at heart..I guess the only REAL difference is
the fact that she has a "good" gift, she's a genius in
making pies...i wish i had been gifted with something more
than just a golden heart and a face...*sighs*..maybe then
i'd have a happy ending like her too.




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