The Apple

Fresh Words
Ad 2:
2009-01-05 10:50:33 (UTC)

1-5-09 Limbo

Right now I'm a senior in college and fresh out of a
relationship. I can't determine if that relationship was
healthy or unhealthy, but sometimes it seems that relative
to most girls I meet: unhealthy. A lot of women complain
about how dire the straights are in terms of finding men who
have their heads on straight. This is going to sound
arrogant and perhaps quite jumbled, given that I have a
million thoughts happening at once and haven't slept in some
time. But my complaint, I guess, is that there are too few
women that I can truly relate to. Like truly. Either I'm
very attracted to them and my growth is stagnated by their
lack of ability to want the best for me or to see the
(series) of big picture(s), or I'm just not at all
attracted to them.
I'm not talking about hooking up cause God knows
that I'd settle there for just above anything with a vagina.
But I'm also not necessarily talking about just
relationships. I'm talking about women that I want to be
around period. I'm young and perhaps I don't even realize
how immature my own request might be. God knows I'm not
looking for a relationship right now. Or maybe I am. It just
brings me discomfort to know that all the women I've gotten
to know at this point in my life are not REALLY worth my
energy. It makes me look back on the past and focus on those
who stood out even just a little, as if my standards have
conformed themselves to what I have experienced. Maybe I ask
too much. I certainly think I do ask a bit too much, but
also think I should, for experience has taught me that it's
naive to assume it possible to mesh two incompatible puzzle
pieces out of desperation. In my experience, people don't

Looking back at what I just wrote, wow. I do feel as if I'm
the victim of a very late case of teenage angst and that
some warm vagina might spruce things up a bit. Even now I'm
extremely tempted to send Akilah some flowers even though I
know she is thinking of settling down with someone else. I
don't even know why. I might think that she's more mature,
compatible, and family oriented than she really is, but I
cannot distinguish between whether this is accurate or if my
mind just embellishes these characteristics because she was
my first love in just about every possible way. I worry like
hell that she would cheat on me. I've compared every girl
I'm interested in to her in hopes that they'd surpass the
emotional intensity I experienced in such a short time but
with little avail. Akilah for me is that proverbial first
high, the one that can never be experienced again. Christ.
I also wonder at great length whether or not the
female clientèle I've just scrutinized might say the exact
same thing about me after having experienced who I really am
at length. I know my sh*t stinks and I know it for a fact.
All I ask is that somewhere out there, there's a girl who is
humble, self-aware, a THINKER and listener, and adaptable.
And attractive. Though this sentence may to some level
contradict the one preceding it, I think I pack substantial
weight into each of these categories, and that I should
therefore scope out someone who does the same. Because I'm
convinced that people can grow from you, but not necessarily
grow with you. None of these hoes to date are REALLY worth
my time.

A girl I'm interested in has to be attractive to me.
It certainly helps if others think she is attractive as
well, but this is not necessary and creates turmoil in any
kind of excess.

Maybe this will all change in graduate school and my
aforementioned teenage angst is really undergrad angst. Or
liberal arts college angst, perhaps? I really can't tell if
LAC people are way more immature than university people or
way more mature. To speak generally, both are extremely
true. (Again, generally,)LAC people are so socially immature
and very experientially immature. Most have lived in a
series of small private bubbles, free of the pervasive
injustices of the evil in the world. And on the other hand I
feel that university girls lack the deep intellectual
exploratory passion that I crave and find so irresistible.
And once I discover the girl who is both
intellectually curious and socially mature, I expect a
certain capacity to understand my existence as an individual
who NEVER fits neatly into a category, who is, by existing,
perpetually anti-categorical. I don't want someone to be
satisfied not knowing just knowing that I work. The question
of how I work and why I work is much more important and
there has to be a tremendous amount of curiosity there, even
at the beginning. I don't want to be able to get away with
deceiving someone I'm interested in.
And then once that's in the bag, it's essential that I
do not detect a sense of utter reliance on me. I am
certainly down to get serious, but when my fervent desire to
impact the world in some way becomes hindered and not
supplemented by a woman, I have to keep it moving.
This might all sound a little demanding, but the
amount of drive I would put into a woman who exhibits even
most of said characteristics to a satisfactory level is
unlikely to be duplicated by anyone. For this reason I
struggle with determining at what point I should feel
satisfied with a woman's totality towards my own personal
growth and development. I'll keep my chin up, though.