Special Kids, Fuck ups, and Dead Cats
all three of the above combined today to keep me two hours
past what i meant to stay at work on the last day of this
year of our lord 2008. you see a strange mixing of two
completely incompatible mentalities takes place on the last
day of the calendar year. on the one hand the top people
(ceo, cfo, etc.) want to get as many "costs" booked on this
day as possible so that they put those in the "past."
however, all the peons (myself duly included) want nothing
more than to get the fuck out of the office already and have
already mentally checked out.
apparently, in an effort to make their desire to get out be
shown to the top brass people (all women coincidentally)
brought their kids in today. i swear to god the place was
like a fucking daycare. the point of course bieng that
nothing is more insufferable than a child at work. except
for a retarded child at work. now let me be clear, i have
IMMENSE respect for parents who have retarded children. i
mean i can't think of any thing more taxing than having a
child with whom you can't adequately communicate. but at
the same time, you shouldn't bring that child to work.
especially when that child decides to bug the only legal
intern in the legal department who has exactly 5 contracts
all of which have to get out that day and who wants to get
home as soon as possible to keep his dog from shitting all
there i was reviewing a horribly written contract with the
pressure of a CFO breathing down my neck to "get it done,"
when all of a suddent i heard a clatter behind me. i
swiveled around to find a boy that looked almost identical
to the little kid in jerry maguire. the kid stared at me
and all of a sudden started screeching. and i mean loud.
then he batted a stapler and some tape off of a nearby desk
while running around screaming what i think was the phrase
"i want a purple dinosaur."
it didn't take me long to figure out that the child was
special. well instead of taking him back into her office,
his mother introduced me (and made great pains to make known
to me that her child was retarded) and left him there.
i turned my back and in about 5 mins i heard a loud
shattering noise along with wailing. i turned around again
and saw that the child at pulled a white dry-eraseboard off
of the cubicle's wall next to me and was now underneath that
dry eraseboard, screaming bloody murder. i quickly
extricated him from his predicament only to have him pound
me in my legs (narrowly missing my left testicle) with his
tiny fists of fury, all the hwile screaming like a beach
whale. the mother, who incredibly, merely sauntered over at
the sound of her child screaming once again, took one loook
and cooed, "awww, do you have a new friend?"
so with this child making airplane noises and in a feverish
attempt to get out by noon i finished up my final agreement
and sent it to other side to accept the changes. an hour
later i got a phone call,
"yeah, the agreement you have isn't current, i'm sorry i
messed up and sent you the wrong one."
my jaw dropped. 3 hours of legal work all gone. but what
was worse i was about to drop this news and the propsect of
not finsihing this by the end of the year to our CFO.
every time i enter the cfo's office he looks like he had
just polished off an 8-ball. his eyes are wide, he's
constantly in motion and he's always at the point where he
almost seems to be yelling at all times. so i dropped the
news to him and his jaw instantly clenched. he dialed their
number with shaking hands and within 2 seconds was raining
the pain so hard on the other side i swear to god i heard
everyone on our floor shit their collective pants.
15 minutes later, and a little bit disconcertingly i might
add, i was told that the agreement i had was "fine." not
one to argue i quickly had the cfo sign and had one last
obstacle to get home to my dog. shannon. shannon is in
charge of the front desk and mail. she also has about 5,000
cats and everything on her desk, including her pencil holder
is cat related. as i got to her desk i noticed that her
normal girth which resulted in a puffy face was heaving up
and down and her puffy face was distinctly puffier (and
red). shannon had been crying.
i awkwardly moved up to her and stumbled something along the
"i need to send this certified."
it's so awkward in those sitautions...what do i do? do i
ask her what's wrong? i decided keeping my mouth shut was
the best way to go, and right as sobbing shannon was moving
towards the mail meter another coworker (also a rather large
and apparently cat-indulgent lady) wailed at her,
"i'm so sorry about mittens!"
and the two were wailing next to the mail meter. i rounded
hte corner as they were breaking their embrace only to
realize that, unbelievably, shannon's boombox (which she
kept on at a reaosnably low volume at her desk) was playing
"everybody hurts" by rem.
you couldn't make this shit up.
13 excruciating minutes later i had my piece of mail. thank
god i am home and with my awesome dog...now its time for a
nice long walk!